Sometimes I do wonder if you really love me or not, everyday I get hints from you as if you are trying to say something to me.
Please tell me what real is and how you really feel about me.
Because I am confused with everything happening around me and with us. You tell me a lot of things that I don't like and when I do that with you, you get mad.
For example:
-You say we're just friends and get mad at me when I say the same thing.
-You tell me you don't love and suddenly act like you do.
-You want to build a future with me, but feels like you're not happy with what we have.
-Want me to help you with buying stuff for when we move out.
-You say you're just playing with me and when I say that you get mad.
I have no problem with building a future with you or buying important things for when we move out. That is literally what I've always wanted and have been searching for in a guy.
But you've made me feel like I'm not worth anything and that made me lose feelings for you that at some point I don't really care anymore.
I literally got so use to being hurt and broken so many times.
I got to hear so many things that I've never imagined hearing, cried myself to sleep and was there for myself when I needed someone, especially you really bad.
I know you also go through a lot, feel a lot and that you also need someone to be there for you. But for that you need to talk to me, you want me to be your best friend, then please talk to me. I don't care what's it about, I'll always be there to listen to you, no matter how busy I am or what I'm doing.
People always say "communication is key".
I never want to make you feel like you're alone in this big wide world, I know you always tell me you don't need anyone and that you can do everything on your own.
But:
-I want to be there for you if you want to talk,
-I want to be there for you if you're feeling down,
-I want to help you in any way possible,
And to be honest I don't care what I get in return.
I'm so heartbroken that my feelings don't even matter anymore and really don't want to get disappointed, so that's why I just keep my feelings hidden.
And it is also possible that I may die soon, I just don't know when but before I die I just want to help you with everything that I can.
Maybe just like how you're in my life to help me improve it, exactly like that I'm here to help you with becoming your old self again.
But in helping you becoming your old self, I'm losing the old me or the person I use to be. I'm not how I use to be, I've changed completely.
I've become suicidal, starting to overthink, got anxiety, trust issues and I'm also losing feelings and mostly get mad at the stupidest things that I automatically go silent.
But my thing is, I never show that I'm mad or that I'm sitting with something. Not that I don't want to talk about it, I just don't want to get judged by people.
I don't even tell you about most things that you do or make me feel or harsh things that you say.
You have no idea how I feel when you tell me things, especially when we're in public and you come with the most painful things ever.
You're suppose to be your girlfriend's number one supporter, no matter what she's doing or how bad she's at it.
Especially when you're in public and she's trying her best with something, you always need to help her and be her supporter or even join her in her stupidity.
But making fun of her and that also saying it out loud is really painful, especially in public because you're making everyone hear what you think and feel about her.
And because of that it's going to be easy for people to annoy her and also tell her things because her own boyfriend don't support her and hype her up.
And that may break her spirit and feeling because she won't do nothing anymore or going to continue with what she was doing because her only support that she wanted made a joke out of her,no matter how many other people supported or hyped her up.
