the girl with demons

Ice

Kill them.
Kill them.
They are coming for you.
They will find you.
I woke up in dark room. Walls weren't painted. Room was empty. Just metal doors. I tried to open them but the were closed. Suddenly I heard something behind me. I turned around but there wasn't wall anymore. A window. More something like glass wall and behind it another room. Bigger than mine but also grey. Two heave ropes were tied to the ceiling. There was blood on the floor. Door to that room opened and two guards came in. They were holding body. He was without shirt. I would recognize this body everywhere. It was Bucky. He was half conscious. They tied ropes to his hand. Third guard came in. He was holding a rope and a rifle. In that moment I realize what he was going to do.
-No... You can't... NO! PLEASE NO!! LEAVE HIM ALONE!! I WILL DO EVERYTHING YOU WANT... just don't hurt him... please
They didn't hear me. I started hit the wall but they didn't even turn around. I fell on the floor. I leaned my head against the wall. I was looking as guard hit him first, second, third time. Blood was dripping from his wounds to the floor and I couldn't help him. I heard his every scream. Suddenly the guard stopped. He left the rope and took a rifle. He put it to Bucky's head. He pulled the trigger and I heard loud noise.
I didn't scream anymore. Tears and sweet run down my cheeks. I sat on my bed cross-legged wondering if what I saw really happened when Bucky was at Hydra. I wasn't sad. I wasn't in pain anymore. I was angry. I looked at lamp standing at dresser. It crashed into the wall at the far end of the room with loud bang. Shards glass lay on the floor. I got out of bed amd took sharpest one. I wanted to stab it right into my heart.
-It's already broken.
I rolled up my hoodie sleeve. I was looking at my wrist full of scars.
-One more won't hurt... right?
I hammered glass into my skin and slowly moved it down. Blood began to trickle down my wrist, staining my white pj.
But it didn't hurt.
It didn't help
I felt exactly the same.
I heard my door open but I didn't even turned around. I didn't care who was standing there cuz I was fucked up anyway.
-You promised me you won't do it, doll. After what happened last time.
-When you were at Hydra... Did they tortured you?... I mean with rope or knives or whip?
-No... no. Where did this question come from?

~~~
My face was smeared with dirt and blood. I looked up at Rumlow begging him to stop. He was emotionless. My arms were tied up by heavy rope attached to the ceiling.
-Come on... it's just for my fun, princess
-W-well it's not fun for me
He stood behind me and grabbed my neck
-I would kill you with pleasure... but I won't have my toy anymore
-I AM NOT YOUR TOY!
-Oh you are... you don't remember last night. In and out, in and out... best sex I ever have
-The only one
He stabbed the knife into my skin. I clenched my teeth and closed my eyes as if it would ease the pain. He slit my back all they way to kidneys
-Why are you doing this?! - I said still through clenched teeth's breathing heavily and fast.
-For fun princess - he stabbed knife in second place on my back
~~~

-You had a nightmare right?
-The worst ever
-What did they did to you?
-The same but they didn't do it to me... but to you
He looked at me worried and then sat down next to me. He was without shirt so I looked at his back. They were clean and smooth unlike me.
-We should get you clean up - he helped me stand up and we went to he bathroom. He was just about to leave
-You can stay
-Are you sure?
I nodded my head. He helped me took of my hoodie. For a moment he stood motionless. He looked at my blood-soaked dressing on right side of my stomach . I saw pain in his eyes when he realized. He slowly took it off.
-W-why... Why didn't you tell me?
-Cuz I knew you're going to blame yourself for that... it doesn't hurt anymore or it doesn't bleed so it's not a problem
-No Madelaine it is a problem because I know it hurt and it DOES bleed... A LOT
-I-I'm sorry
-You don't need to be sorry... just don't heal anyone else
He took of rest of my clothes. I stepped into the shower and sat on the floor. James turned on the water. It was hot but that's how I liked it.
-Is it okay?
I nodded my head. He started to clean every inch of my body gently but thoroughly. Hot water was running down my skin.
Kill him.
They are coming for you.
I ignored voices in my head. Bucky sat next to me. He was only in shorts.
-I-I'm s-sorry
-You have nothing to be sorry about, doll... You want me to clean your back too?
I slightly nodded my head and slowly got up. I turned around and I felt his eyes on every scar I had.
-I'm sorry I wasn't there... I should have been with you after their death. I should have support you. Maybe Hydra would never got you
I knew this scars weren't from last month I spend there but  four years I spend there when everyone thought I ran away.
-If would not change anything
He looked at my confuse
-You are not telling me something Madelaine... I want you to be honest with me, doll
-Someday
-I can't help you when I don't know what's happening... - I stayed silent so he gave up - I will be back in the minute - he left me alone. My wound were still bleeding.
Bucky came back with his t-shirt and first aid kit. He turned off the water and helped me stand up. He wrapped towel around me and wiped me body. He helped my put my underwear and then his t-shirt. He knew I always feel safe when I'm wearing it.He picked me up and put me in the bed. He sat next to me and took my wrist in his hands. It looked so small in his hands. His right hand was warm and soft but left was just cold metal. He put some disinfectant on gauze and cleaned my wound. Then he gently wrapped bandage on it
-Don't do that, please... You know how it ended last time, doll
-Yea... I found out I killed my baby
He sighed
-I can't loose you too, doll
In that moment I wanted to tell him so bad. The whole truth. About kidnapping, about Hydra, about my feelings... and about my condition. The last one hurt the most. He said that he can't loose me. But that's how it is going to end.
I will die.
I don't have many left.
Many years.
Many months.
Many days.
Many hours.
Or even many seconds.
It hurt so bad that I couldn't breath.
I couldn't think about anything else.
I only thought about death.