Depression: A Downward Spiral

Part 1: All Beginnings Have An End

Once there was a bang.
That bang gave us life as we know it.
And with that bang came great things.
And with those great came terrible things.
From the ashes a new world arises.

Greed and corruption fill mighty figures.
The great become nothing as fire reigns.
Liars fill the streets and bastards fill the sky.
People litter the streets like a plague.
Wars rage and destroy the earth day by day.

Soldiers fill the streets in foreign countries.
Gunfire and explosions rock the world.
Tanks crawl a wretched landscape.
Jets leave streams of pollution skyward.
Eventually the world collapses around me.
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I wake up in a cold sweat having a panic attack. I reach to my bedside table and grab my inhaler. Three puffs and I'm okay for now. I sigh knowing I forgot to take my meds last night. I get up and walk to the bathroom to go piss.

After washing my hands I go to the kitchen and fill a glass halfway full of water. I get my medicine container, take the pills, and chug the rest of my water. I then walk to the fridge and not finding much, I eat a little yogurt. I walk back to my room and lay back down to watch the TV. Just I finally start to relax depression kicks in full force.

Feeling tears come to my eyes I get one of my knives and cut on my forearms. I wish I could just perish and fade away as all the horrid thoughts slice into me. It's like a curse, having depression. I decide to crank some FFDP and cut deeper to ease the pain. I feel like a monster as the past keeps on catching up with me.

All the lying, the stealing, the bullying, and the beatings. All of these I've inflicted and received and I deserve all of it. I'm a vile being that deserves nothing but pain, suffering, and anguish. I want to be put down in a hole and rot away. It's hard to continue when every single day is a constant struggle. It's never enough I'll never be anything worthwhile.

I'm just so fucked up and I'm never going to change. I wish all could be forgiven and forgotten but instead old scars are opened. Of all the things I lost I miss my mind the most. I feel so alone even with people right next to me. It feels terrible like my head is being ripped apart.

Finally the flood of thoughts stop and I sit there looking at my arms. I find they're bloodier than usual. I see my phone light up and see I got a text message from my therapist. I tell her everything is going well and put my phone away. I sigh as I get up to go wrap my arms.

I go to the bathroom cabinets and get some rubbing alcohol and some wrap bandages. I then go to the sink and pour the alcohol over my cuts. After that I pat the wounds with a very soft hand towel. Blood oozes onto the towel and I chunk it to the dirty towel basket. Finally I wrap my arms in the wrap bandages and go back to my room.