Precious [h.s.]

Chapter 36

Do you want my blood do you want my tears
What do you want?
What do you want from me?

“It’s gonna be okay,” I tell Nadine as she drives towards the hospital. She suggested that I could meet her mum, so I instantly agreed. It feels like a big step for her so I couldn't say no. It means a lot to her and it means a lot to me. I'm happy that she is comfortable enough with me to also share the bad parts of her life.

"You don't know that." She stares at the road, both of her hands on the wheel. There is no look on her face - she seems emotionless. 

"I promise you it's gonna be okay." I put my hand on her thigh, trying to comfort and assure her that I'm here for her. 

"I'm scared," she finally says and drops one hand from the wheel intertwining it with mine. She relaxed her face, and her eyebrows furrowed. She tried to maintain a facade but failed. And I'm glad about it.

She's been a little cold with me today - distant, so I'm relieved that she's being herself again.

"Scared? Of what?"

"Yeah. I just visited her not long ago. I told you about that." She looks at me and continues, "So seeing her again it's weird. I usually just try to forget that she's there because it's too much for me to handle sometimes, so seeing her again now, knowing well enough that I'm trying to emotionally distance myself from her, makes me feel like such a bad daughter. How can I try to erase her existence like that, when all her life she tried to make mine a little better?"

"Don't say that. If you were a bad daughter, you wouldn't have cared that much. It's like a defense mechanism. You act like it's not real so when you realize it actually is, you're overwhelmed by emotions."

"I know, I know. It's just that occasionally I think that maybe I should let her go, but it's like we're tied with an invisible string. I couldn't live in a world in which I know she wouldn't be part of. I've lost her a long time ago, so I can't let go of the only thing I have left from her," she says and her voice cracks. Her eyes are filled with tears, but she holds them in.

I know that I can't compare any of my experiences with what she's going through, so I choose to comfort her only by being next to her. Her hand is still holding mine, so I bring it to my lips and kiss it. When I see that the ring I gave her is still on her finger, I feel my chest warm up.

"You know, Harry," she starts speaking again, "when it's night and I can't sleep, I just stare at my ceiling, and those thoughts that I don't want at three in the morning appear. You know what I'm talking about," I know. I know it very well. "Imagines of my dad find their way in my mind. I don't know what I would do if I came face to face with him. I make scenarios in my head about what I would tell him, how I would confront him, even if I know that they would never come true. He's my darkest nightmare. I'm so scared of him and I haven't seen him in years. He might be dead. I don't know, but I hope so. I don't want him to go on with this life as nothing happened and leave me and my mother with wounds that will never heal." Her hand is gripping the wheel so hard, her knuckles white, while being back to her emotionless expression. "I hope he rots in hell. I'll go after him and make sure he does." She's interrupted by a honk from behind, a car overtaking us.