The beginning of Kerr/Mewis

7.

"Where have you been?" Mackenzie burst through the door of Sam's room completely unannounced.
Sam got up from her bed in an instant.
"Ahh right here?" She said in a panic.

"Exactly," Kenzie ran her hands through her hair, "not at the meeting, or at lunch with the team, or in the common rooms, or even packing for the freaking olympics. Just here."

"What? Wait-"
"Sam, I love you, I really do, but you're terrifying me."
Sam's eyes widened, "how? What are you talking about?"
"Where has our captain been? Where have YOU been? Even when you're standing right in front of me you're only half here."
Mackenzie paced the room, stress twirling the ends of her brown hair. Sam didn't know what to do, suddenly becoming very aware of her hands and inspecting them like her life depended on them.
A long drawn out silence hung in the air.
Finally Sam broke it.

"Mac, I don't know what else to do." She couldn't look at her friend, her teammate. She didn't even know what else to say.
"Be a better captain. Be a better friend. Put in the effort you're putting into Kristie, into us. Your team."
Sam went cold, this was about Kristie?

"You told me to message her."
"I told you to start a public flirtation to piss off your ex and make you feel better. I didn't expect," Mackenzie threw her hands in the air, "this. I didn't expect this to happen."
"I'm practicing more, running more. Hell, I even had an ice bath the other day. I'm trying, Mac. I'm trying to balance it all. There's a lot of pressure and Kristie has been the best part of my day usually."

"We, your team, should be the best part of your day. Half of us have girlfriends too, but we are still showing up at practice."
"So am I."
"No. I've seen you practice with half yourself, the rest stuck up in Kristie-island. I see how antisocial you've become. Always in your room sleeping because you stayed up to talk to Kristie, or messaging Kristie during the day. It's always her."
"Mac-"
"No, Sam. Listen. When is it going to be us? The team? When are we going to matter more than a girl you've never even met? I can tell, the team can tell, everyone has been talking about it. You're not HERE, you don't care anymore. Because right now, nothing feels the same. You're so distant. Closed off. We don't feel like the same family we once were. Over a girl, really?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't real-"
"It's been weeks!" Mac voice cracked with emotion and she let lose a small sob she tried to cover up. "I want my best friend back for fuck sake."

Sam didn't get a chance to respond or chase after Mac because in an instant, she was gone, Sam's own door slamming in her face.

It left Sam to think, a lot. Had she really done all the things Mac accused her of? She had been distant, yes, but so much so that Mac felt like she no longer had a place at her side? And how hadn't she realised how much it had effected her and the team too?

Oh god, Sam went cold. Am I a bad captain? Are we going to lose? Are we going to choke and fuck it all up because it all came crashing down in the final stages, all because of me? She thought.

Her heart started beating faster while she felt a small tremor run through her like a current. I need to train more, Sam thought, and be there more for my team. I've let so many people down with my selfishness. Right? Because that's what I've been. Selfish. Mac was right. Over a fucking girl? I was throwing months and years worth of hard work away for a GIRL?

Sam's breathing came quicker now, more urgent. She felt a tightness in her chest that she couldn't explain. Perhaps it was the guilt suddenly becoming more apparent. She didn't mind, she welcomed it - after all, she deserved it right? This was all her fault.
Mackenzie was right.

She was half here, half thinking about Kristie.
She was was present and yet not. She was training, but not wholeheartedly, and not with the same spirit as before. It was like she'd given up already without even realising it.
No, Sam thought, it was like soccer had been the number one priority for so long, it was second nature, but now Kristie sat pretty at the top of the list and suddenly soccer was merely routine. Kristie was the drive - the excitement while soccer, the olympics, even the team and everything else felt like she was just going through the motions with it all.

How in the hell did she not notice?

Pull yourself together, Sam tried to will herself. But it was no use. Her thoughts started to repeat themselves now. She felt her chest tighten until it was hard to breathe and her palms became sweaty. She tried to lean back, but her body was frozen in place.

I deserve this. Sam said over and over.
I deserve this. I deserve this. I deserve this.

She couldn't remember when the tears started falling, she just knew she couldn't make them stop. They came as fast as a storm and fell just as heavy and sudden. She kept rubbing her sweaty palms on her legs, trying to dry them off. But the skin there was also wet with sweat, and now tears.

She didn't realise how loud she was being until there was a face before her. It was Hayley, that's all Sam could tell, she couldn't make out much more than that. Sam had drowned the room out, her head being too loud and full of the phrase, I deserve this, I deserve this, I deserve this.

Hayley pulled a blanket around her shoulders and tried to get her to take a sip of her water bottle but Sam refused. She was too out of breath and shaken up.

Sam wasn't sure how long it lasted, or when it stopped. But slowly the world came back into focus and Hayley's voice finally cut through the voice in her head. She could focus her eyes again, and although she still felt frozen in place, she was no longer sweating or shaking uncontrollably.

She met Hayley's eyes and blinked back to the present.
"What-t just happened?" She tried to say, but it came out slurred and broken. Hayley understood anyway.
"I think you had a panic attack."
Sam shook her head, "no..." she trailed off. "No, I haven't had one of those in years."
"I'm sorry, but I think you're not okay Sam." Hayley tried to comfort her by bringing her in for a hug, but she pulled away. Hayley dropped her arms and lent away, embarrassed.

Sam's phone started to go off and Hayley looked at the caller ID.
"Awh, it's Kristie calling on FaceTime. Want me to pick up?"
"No." Sam said immediately. "No. I'm going for a run."
"But you'll tire yourself out."
"Tell Kristie I'm not here if she calls again." Sam stood and pulled a hoodie over her head. She opened her door and looked around for her runners before deciding she didn't care if she ran barefoot and walked out.
"Sam-" Hayley called after her, opening the door as well and following her but Sam had already run off, calling back to Hayley something about needing fresh air to cool off.