Searching for Happiness (Lauren Cimorelli x You)

Hurt

Y/N's POV

    After everything that went down last week, Lauren had managed to play it off to her fans as us just being excited and playing at the park. We posted the photos of the three of them that I took to their personal Instagrams and that seemed to dull the fire. Dani even posted a picture of Lisa dragging me excitedly as we were out shopping. Lauren never confirmed or denied anything between us, per se, they just gave them some truth of me being close with the sisters.

    Today has been a rough day since the moment I opened my eyes. I sigh as I look down to see Lauren still hasn't responded to any of my messages. I know she is busy working and I'm not upset with her for that, I just can't seem to shake off the feeling that comes every year on this day.

    This day is always the hardest for me and this year it's even harder to stay sober. All I want is to numb the pain, be so out of it I forget everything on my mind. Sitting on my bed staring at my old photo album, I decide I have to find a way to escape these thoughts.

   I get in my car and drive. It takes about fifteen minutes till I pull up at the house. Do I really want to do this? I'm scared. What will she think of me? I sigh as I try and control my tears. I have to do this. Making up my mind, I step out of my car onto the curb.  My hands start to shake as I make my way up to the front door and I take a deep breath as I knock. When the door opens, I drop my head in shame for even being here.

      "Y/N? What are you doing here?" Lynn asks surprised. "I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't hav-" I go to leave when she grabs my hand. "Stay. What's wrong, sweetie?" She asks with genuine concern.

    "I'm sorry. Laur is just busy at work and I didn't know what else to do." I quickly wipe away the tear that slipped out. "Come in. I'll make you some coffee. Or would you prefer a tea?" She asks as she leads me to the kitchen.

    "Coffee, please," I tell her as I take a look around the kitchen. I've been here plenty, but never without Lauren or Lisa. This feels weird. There is an awkward silence in the air as Lynn quickly makes me a cup. She sits across from me at the table as she slides it over to me. "What's got you so upset?" She asks with concern.

    "Today's the anniversary of my sister's..." I take a deep breath as I try to hold myself together. "her death. I was the one that found her. I-I blame myself... I should have saved her!" I start to bawl, burying my face in my hands.

    Lynn quickly moves around the table to sit beside me, pulling me into her arms to cry. "Sweetie, you were young, right? How were you supposed to know how to save her?" I continue to cry on her shoulder and she tries to comfort me.

    "Now, I don't know the circumstances behind what happened but... wasn't it an overdose? You can't control what choices someone makes." I roughly pull out of her arms and lay my head on the table. Of course, she only knows my father's version of events. I feel her hand softly lay in between my shoulder blades, I know she truly cares she is just misinformed.

    Slowly, I pick my head up off the table. I look over and I see her soft, motherly eyes staring intensely at me. "My father doesn't tell the whole truth. It wasn't just that, she wasn't an addict." I shook my head. "She took her own life... because of him."

    Lynn seems shooked by what I just admitted to her. "I'm so sorry, Y/N. I didn't know." Lynn says, squeezing my shoulder for comfort. We continue to talk for another three hours. I don't know why I felt I could trust her with all of it, but I did. My life was always hard to talk about but with her, I felt comfortable. Almost like I was talking about this to my own mother. Lynn made me feel safe enough to say it all, without judgment or the fear of not being believed.

    After we had talked, the boys got home and roped me into playing some basketball with them. It's getting close to dinner time so I figure I should go to excuse myself. Lynn already has a small army that still lived here to feed and I don't want to impose. I walk into the kitchen where she is prepping to cook. "Hey Lynn, I just want to thank you for today. I really needed that." She smiles at me as she continues to chop onions. "You're not trying to leave, are you? I just talk to Amy, she and the rest of the girls should be here soon. Stay for supper."

    "Umm, ok. Have you talked to Lauren by chance? I haven't gotten through to her all day." Lynn looks a little confused by what I said but just shook her head. "You know how Lauren gets when she focused on something. Don't worry about it, she will be here soon." I nod and head back outside to the patio with the boys. She never ignores me all day though. Not without letting me know she is busy. 

    We play two on two a while longer before I hear Lisa and Amy's loud voices carrying throughout the house. Turning to the door, I notice Lauren is leaning against the doorframe, watching us play with a sad smile. I almost didn't notice when Nick passed me the ball but luckily I caught it, shooting it quickly and making the basket. "YES!!!" Nick screams as he starts taunting his brothers. "That's game, we won!"

    I ignore the banter between them and walk over to Lauren. "Hey," I say quietly as I get to her. "Nice shot." She smiles at me. I can tell something is off but she still leans in to give me a quick kiss. "What were you doing all day?" I notice Lauren's eyes shoot down to the ground quickly before she looks back and grins at me.

    "Better question, what made you want to hang out with my mom and brothers all day?" She asks. She isn't one to avoid my questions so now I'm getting worried. I guess she can sense it because she takes my hand and leads me farther out in the backyard, away from everyone else. She sits in one of the chairs that are by the wall, pulling me down to sit in her lap.

    "Is everything ok?" Lauren asks wrapping her arms around my waist. "It just...wasn't a good day for me, but your mom really helped while you were busy," I say looking into her nervous eyes. "How come you never texted me back today? You always respond at some point. It confused me when you never did." I pull Lauren's hand from around my front and anxiously play with her fingers.

    "I'm sorry I didn't reply and I'm sorry I left you alone when you were having a bad day,  I didn't realize." She caresses my fingers back. "Christina and I spent all day with our lawyers." Lauren sighs. "We both received cease and desist orders today. One for me personally and the other for the band."

    "Wait, what? From who? For what?" I ramble, surprised. "Your father is trying to find a way to keep you off of our social media and out of videos." Lauren looks at me sadly. Quickly, I jump up out of her lap and start pacing in front of her. "Baby, don't get too worked up about it. The lawyers say it's just a scare tactic, that legally he can't do anything since you are an adult." She says as she stands up with me.

    I keep pacing, trying to get my anger under control. "Baby, plea-" I cut her off with an angry scream as I punch the brick wall in front of me. "I HATE HIM!" I yell as I go to swing again, only to be pulled backward into Lauren's arms.

      I struggle a little bit against her hold but Lauren holds me back tightly against her chest. "I hate him too but you can't hurt yourself over him." She whispers soothingly into my ear. I start to calm down against her and I notice Christina, Lisa, and Lynn heading our way. I guess they sent the boys inside as we are now the only ones in the yard.

    "Did he do this on purpose? Today of all days, just to hurt you more?" Lynn says angrily as they sit down in the chairs. "What do you mean?" Lauren asks as she looks at her mom confused then over my shoulder to see my face.

    I drop to my knees with a huff, sitting down properly before pulling them into my chest. I feel Lauren move to sit behind me, placing her legs on either side of me as she wraps her arm around my stomach to pull us closer. I don't answer her, I just stare at my bloody, swollen hand.

    "Y/N, talk to me," Lauren says as she takes my arm in her hand to inspect the damage. I barely hear Christina say she was going to get the first aid kit. Lauren rubs her thumb across my skin as she waits. "Today was the day Allison died." I sigh, leaning back father into her for comfort.