We flipped over the 2 tests at the same time.
Positive.
Positive.
My heart feels like it's pumping too much blood, I can feel my ears turn red as I freeze. The possibilities of the near future run through my brain:
Rafe hugging me telling me everything will be alright, wiping the tears off my face and assuring me that everything will work out in the end.
That didn't happen.
Instead, his shaky breath turned into louder huffs and puffs, his hands gripped his own hair as he cursed loudly, leaving the bathroom. My ears started to ring, and I had to keep reminding myself that this is reality. It wasn't a dream. This was really happening.
"Rafe-" I started to say.
"Oh my God"
"Rafe just calm down-"
"Oh my GOD!"
I followed him into my room, preparing myself for the worst...
which happened.
He left the next day.
• • •
1 year later
I mimicked the face of the little human in front of me, opening my mouth as the small spoon with applesauce made it's way into her mouth.
"Mmm," I say along with her, admiring her crystal blue eyes in joy, followed by a wave of sorrow when I realize who she got them from.
It's been over a year, and no word from Maya's father has been said. I tell myself everyday that I don't need him, that my daughter is enough for me, yet I spend each night wondering if he'll ever come home. I still get flashbacks from when he claimed he'll "get his shit together first."
My thoughts are interrupted by the clapping sounding from the high chair, requesting more food as her pigtails bounce with her head.
Just as I go to spoon another portion, the doorbell rings, startling me so I drop the plastic bowl right onto the white tile floors, splattering the food.
Of course to my daughter, this is the most hilarious thing since the new Cocomelon episode, her giggles filling up the kitchen.
I sigh, silently cursing as I whip a towel over my shoulder, walking briskly to the door, muttering, "this better be good, I spilled some applesauce over this..."
My words are cut off my shock as I open the door to reveal a single man.
Maya claps in the background at the sight of her father.
• • •
I get that same feeling I felt last year. The blood rushing to my ears, my heart beat becoming the only thing I can hear, my breathing stopped.
He looks the same. Gorgeous blue eyes, sharp features, blonde hair framing his face, his tall stature towering before me.
He uncomfortably shifts in his position, trying to search for my eye contact. "Y/n-"
"No."
"Just let me explain, please."
Part of me wanted to shut the door in his face and pretend I didn't know him, to leave him in the past where he belongs.
The other half wants nothing more than to have what I had with him before all this. To just melt into his arms and forget about every worry I ever had. To tell him I missed him so much and don't want him to leave ever again. Because he gave me the best thing that ever happened to me.
They met in the middle.
• • •
Rafe was seated on the couch across from me, his legs tense as if it was illegal for him to relax.
"Rehab."
...
"what?"
"I went to rehab," he continued, looking to me.
Rehab? Why rehab? He'd only have to go there if he was...
"I was hooked on a lot of sh- ... stupid stuff," he corrects himself after his eyes dart to the entrance to the kitchen.
"I-I couldn't be there for you, you know that. Especially while pregnant-"
"You could've told me."
"But-" he tried to say as a rebuttal.
"Rafe you left me!" I say raising my voice.
His eyes pool with guilt and hurt.
"I know. I know it was stupid. I was so stupid but you were pregnant y/n. I wasn't ready for a kid, not like that-"
"Neither was I. But I- I thought that if I at least had you it would be easier but you didn't even give me that option," I continue, my voice starting to break as he clearly fights back tears.
"Y/n, listen to me," he leans forward in his seat, his voice remaining rather quiet. "There's no taking back what I did, I know that. But trust me I hated every minute I was away from you and I came back as soon as they let me ok?-"
"Wait wait wait.. what do you mean when they let you. What were you trapped or something?" I ask, confused.
"Felt like it," he says quickly.
"L-look I have the thing," he fishes through his jacket pocket, "the thing they gave me, here," he tries handing me a small yellow slip.
I simply read it from his outstretched arm:
Discharge: 7/18/21. 0:08:56 A.M.
This morning.
Suddenly I hear whimpers and small cries from the kitchen. Yep. Maya's fussy hour is approaching.
I look up at Rafe, who clears his throat, stuffing the paper back into his pocket.
Without a word I tend to my daughter, picking her up and rubbing her back in attempts to calm her. My mind flickers to the man waiting on the couch, then back to the baby in my hands.
• • •
"What's her name?"
"Maya."
He looks down at the baby in his arm, his tear falling onto her cheek as he quickly wipes it off, whispering "sorry" as if she'll understand, almost making me laugh.
I wonder what is going through his mind right now. Is the pain balanced by the joy? Does one over power the other? Do those memories of his trips to the cut still haunt him?
Instead of on a separate seat, he sits right next to me on the cushion of the couch, his arm pressed against mine, our thighs touching.
He sniffles, softly smiling at the cooing baby in his lap. His lip slightly trembles, trying to hold himself together as he looks into her identical blue eyes.
She looks at him with that classic confused baby look, but she doesn't cry or even whimper, just clinging onto his finger.
I realize he can't keep up with the several tears falling down his cheeks. My hand reaches for his head, using my thumb to wipe the wetness pooling around his eyelid.
A tear of my own falls as I finally allow myself to rest my head on his shoulder, and close my eyes shut. He froze a bit, maybe in surprise, but relaxed seconds after, leaning his head on mine. I carefully linked my arm in his, laying my other one over Rafe's which held Maya securely. I held them both so tight, as if my little family was gonna disappear any second.
I don't know why I did this, but it felt like second nature. Like I was listening to my body, not my brain.
Ok listen. This is ALL OVER THE PLACE AND LITERALLY MAKES NO SENSE AS TO WHY WE TOOK HIM BACK but I wanted a happy ending anyway lol. Should I make a pt. 2?
-MJ
