cigarettes

3. one death can part soulmates

ah... school sucks.
those dumbasses were shooting glances at me the whole day, and only did I get away when classes ended. thank lord. I was so done with them, but I really tried to compose myself. today I should go meet Beatrix, and im thinking about telling her... about my past, once and for all.
she said that she can't help me at her fullest since she doesn't know what's bothering me. well, I only spoke about my parents a bit, but missed most of the important parts. I'm not the type to open up at all, so even if I've known her for an year, it's still not much.
I moved here around two years ago. I already knew English, and it was easy to speak it. well, living here is sure different... and I'm not sure if I enjoy it... I don't really know how to feel about this. but i don't really give a fuck at all.

on my way to beatrix, Coraline from maneskin started playing.
ah... fuck this shit... he sang me this... HE SANG ME THIS!! HE DID IT FOR ME! THIS EXACT SONG! I CANT LISTEN TO IT WITHOUT MY HEART BREAKING APART!
i felt like screaming. I was alone walking on some alley, and with my hands on my knees, I wanted to scream but my voice just cracked and I felt like crying. but I couldn't.
he said that this song represented me so well... and that he would be my castle from the song, protect me... why isn't he doing that... why didn't he do that...

the song goes...
"Coraline, as beautiful as the sun
She lost the fruit of her womb
She never knew love
But a father that isn’t father-like at all
Told her : “in the city there’s a castle with walls so strong that if you go live inside it nothing will ever hurt you again
Nothing will ever hurt you again." but in italian.

I hate this song. I hate it because it reminds me of him... and I love it because of the same reason... I have no idea how to feel about this song either... I am breaking apart slowly. I'll go to italy again this summer... I am trying so bad to just forget about what happened... but how could i forget him...

and, like that, I got to beatrix's office.

I open the door.

"the story I'm about to tell you happened almost two years ago. if you want to listen you can, if you don't then you dont have to. please choose." I say, taking a seat.

"u-um, hello, naenia... are you okay?"

"yeah, but im willing to tell you something very important and this is an unique chance, believe me."

"oh, okay... then... start..."

she opened her iPad, and I sighed. she's gonna write shit down again?
but, soon, a knocking sound can be heard. Beatrix gets up, then tells me she'll be back soon.
I look at the pillow on the couch. I take it, sinking my face in it until I couldn't breathe anymore. shit... shit... I wanna talk to him... I wanna call him right now... I wanna hold his hand... I wanna kiss his lips... I wanna sleep next to him and watch the starts at midnight together. but the only thing missing is... that he's not here anymore. who will answer my call, who will hold my hand, who will kiss my lips, who... he's not here anymore... I'm alone.
nobody. only me and my tears that can't fall... my weird feelings... my broken self... he just told me his last words on a paper... how... why...
I have many questions. and no one can answer them... I should've never spoken to him that day... I should've just minded my own business... and don't even make any friends... it would've been better... but now he's no longer here... I knew he would leave me... like everyone does... but it's not just that he left me, it's because of me... that he left... well, partially...
his mother knew about how close we are, and she told us that she's happy to see us happy... she knew about how we kissed on the rooftop, how he held my hand during winter and how we slept together at the beach, next to each other, hugging... she knew about everything. I was happy... at the time, I was happy. but, my disorder developed more at the age of 16 and i had my first outburst... on him.