Healing

My Happiness

I had found someone who had genuinely made me happy- you know the feeling. I didn't- not until I met him anyways. You know calling someone your happiness and referring to them as such is too much to put onto one person.

Of course, people come and go- and he went. Of course so did that feeling.

It had made me resentful, I thought that I deserved to be happy and this person made me feel that way so why couldn't I be with this person; it's a childish way to think- I know.

And over the years, he has come and gone, taking that feeling with him. He would show up for short amounts of time bringing me small doses of that feeling, but it wasn't enough. It never felt like enough, because as someone who had rarely felt that feeling once you have it you'll always crave it and I would've done anything to get it. And of course my desire for more always pushed him away. And while he was away I searched, I searched for that feeling in other people but the feeling they gave me never came close to the one I had with him. God how I've longed for that feeling.

Once again, he returned, but it wasn't really him and I waited for that feeling, but it too never came. And with time I've come to realize the no one person outside of myself should be responsible for my happiness. I should've never given him that responsibility- he was far too young and I shouldn't have relied on him for that feeling. And I shouldn't have blamed him when he left; just because he carried my happiness didn't mean that I carried his and that's okay.

He will leave again and it won't hurt as bad. I just hope that we can both find that feeling we're longing for within ourselves.