Pillow thoughts

I picture you.

I picture you.

My body is tensing up
My mind is spiralling
All I feel is panic and ache
Pain where I should feel love
Tears are swelling
I'm disassociating
I want to be somewhere else
I'm questioning everything
It's too much

But then I picture you

You pop into my head
And my thoughts and heart latch onto you
It's just a wisp of an image
And I can't describe what I see
But my body relaxes and the reel of pleasure swirls through me
This is where I want to be

My eyes are closed
My body is with you
It's your lips on mine
It's your body hovering over mine
It's you inside of me
It's you with me
Not him
And I want this

I can get through it if I picture you

But it's all over too soon
Because now he's moving off me
He's asking how it was
Remnants of what we did land in the bin
Thoughts of you vanish
Humiliation surges
And the toilet seat is digging into my sore thighs
Whilst tears build in my eyes
They fall silently
With a lip quivering in shame

As I wipe away proof of his "love"
I always wonder, "how is this my life?"
But the thought that quickly follows is
"How can you he not know?"
I picture you

***