Wounded Healers: Azriel x Gwyn

After Ramiel

"That's good, Gwyn. Lower your elbow slightly."

Gwyn followed Cassian's instruction, focused on getting her fighting stance just right. After Gwyn and Emerie competed in the Illyrian Blood Rite and achieved Carynthian status; they threw themselves into their training twice as hard. Though Ramiel was no walk in the park, Valkyrie standards were far loftier to attain.

The last few months of Gwyn's life had been a whirlwind of action and development. She had fell in love with training and created life-long bonds with Nesta and Emerie - her Valkyrie sisters. Life had finally felt worth living. And she was happy. But...

Gwyn chanced a glance at Cassian who nodded in approval of her minor adjustment to her position. Working closely with Cassian these past moths had strengthened her not only physically, and therefore by extension mentally; but also emotionally. She had feared men for so long after her trauma. She feared their proximity to her, their attention. She never thought she'd be able to withstand even looking into a man's eyes again after what she had suffered. But now she stared into Cassian's warm hazel eyes and willed her heart to continue beating at a normal pace.

He was Nesta's mate. She felt disgusted with herself anytime she felt her thoughts drift towards Cassian. Like the way strands of his long hair would get glued with sweat to his his temples after training. Or the way the tattoos on his biceps moved while he flexed during certain exercises. Or the way he made her feel safe around men in a way she thought she could never feel again. She couldn't help it while reading her smutty romance novels when she pictured the male love interest as Cassian, and herself as the object of his desire. 

Nesta was a found-sister to her. Nesta was the one that encouraged Gwyn to come to training, and Gwyn owed all of her current contentment to Nesta for that simple fact. And it tore Gwyn apart with guilt every time she caught herself daydreaming about Cassian romantically. It tore her apart equally when she watched Cassian and Nesta make love with their eyes every time they made mere eye contact. 

Something out of the corner of Gwyn's eye snapped her out of her reverie and she startled. Azriel had came closer to her to pick up a piece of equipment that lay nearby, and if he noticed her jump slightly, he ignored it. Gwyn took a steadying breath as she prepared for the cool down. Gwyn found that at the times when she needed the breathing exercises to calm her mind the most, they were always the hardest to manage. Breathe in for six...ignore their flirtation...Breathe out for six...I'll never have what they have with another person...Breathe in for six...I'm a horrible person. There's something wrong with me...Breathe out for six...Even if Nesta wasn't his mate, he wouldn't look at you.

Her inner monologue wouldn't shut up. But she pushed through anyway, attempting to release every nightmarish thought that traipsed through her mind. 

When the cool down ended, Gwyn made to bid her friends goodbye. 

"Want to come to the House of Wind for dinner tonight?" Nesta offered.

Gwyn paused, not wanting to hurt Nesta's feelings. She had extended the same invitation twice before and declined each time. All because she was afraid that Cassian would be there, as it was his home too after Feyre and Rhysand generously gifted the place to the couple. 

"Yes, I'd like that very much." Ah, damn Gwyn thought. She couldn't think of a valid reason to say no this time, and knew Nesta wouldn't stop offering until she said yes. She genuinely enjoyed Cassian's company as well - that was precisely why she wanted to stay as far away from him as possible. If she already longed for him based on the interactions they've had during training, it would only get worse as she enjoyed his company in more informal environments. 

"Good. Az will winnow you and Emerie in at eight. Bring me that new book you told me about yesterday." Nesta waved as she grabbed Cassian's hand and they left. Presumably to fuck each other senseless until they had to be presentable for dinner at eight. 

Gwyn threw herself into her library work harder than ever. She was practically an indentured servant to Merrill, who was more than happy to oblige her with more work. It kept her sufficiently distracted from her thoughts, and when she got home she was usually too tired to do or think anything that would make her feel unbearably guilty. Like touching herself while thinking of her best friend's mate for release.

She returned to her room when the day's work was done to bathe and clothe herself. The only special adornment to her appearance that she added was her favorite necklace that had been gifted to her anonymously last Solstice. Just as she arrived at the library, Az appeared to winnow her in. 

"Hi, Azriel."

"Gwyn," he nodded genteelly. 

Azriel was a man of few words and much mystery. Azriel's patient, gentle nature made Gwyn feel safe enough to talk with him as she would any of her girl friends. Perhaps because of Cassian's influence, she felt just as safe around Azriel and Rhysand. But particularly Azriel. It had been harder to look him in the eyes as she had learned to get comfortable doing with Cassian because it had been Azriel who had intervened that night when she experienced her greatest trauma. He had seen her in the worst moment of her life, and that was a strange thing to share with someone. But she had slowly grown used to him, and she knew his small smiles were meaningful offerings meant to reassure her that he was a safe person to be around. He would never make her relive that night. Slowly but surely, their dynamic had blossomed into one of occasional friendly banter. 

"You'll be staying for dinner also, right?" Gwyn asked, the question more of a demand.

There was a faint look of amusement of Az's face he said, "I suppose I'll have to now. I'm afraid of what you may do to me if I refuse - your punches have improved threefold."

"Very clever of you," Gwyn smirked as she made her way into his arms to winnow.

The truth was, Az was more than happy to escape dinner at the River Estate. He spotted Elain earlier wearing the beautiful white dress he liked best on her, and knew that he wouldn't be able to keep his eyes off of her at dinner. So he accepted Nesta's dinner invitation as a welcome alternative to having to consciously focus on not focusing on Elain all night. 

Gwyn blinked, confused for a moment as they winnowed directly into the House of Wind. "Is Emerie already here?"

"Would you believe she wiggled out of coming here for dinner? Something about having to take inventory at her store." Nesta said by way of greeting.

Oh, Mother save me Gwyn mentally pleaded. At least Az was here. She absent-mindedly fiddled with her necklace to release her nervous energy, as she tended to do when she felt anxious. Azriel watched her, noting the necklace and smiled to himself. 

The necklace truly does suit her, he thought, admiring his own taste in delicate jewelry.