Short stories

Inching

Inching

VIDEO LOG # 389

*There were times I thought this video log would be the death of me. Having to continue something when there was no other person around to judge or make me. Now, it is the only thing that has given me a sense of ... um, I guess normalcy. Out in space there is no sound. There is no noise. Not even the stale static of human beings. Just my own breathing. My own life signs. I often wish there were more to this ship. But things are slowly...

The computer malfunctioned yesterday, and I lost all my pervious logs. All of them. No more going back and playing them just to hear something. Its only a matter of time before this little power left in the computers fail as well. The power of the ship was struck by the rock so all that is left was the lights and computers. The engine would never repair itself. My crew had abandoned ship during the first ten minutes, unknowing that I was knocked out in the engine room from the impact. I do not blame them...now. No use blaming someone I would never get to see again. Should I make up for the lost records? Tell my deepest thoughts once again? No.

Its cold out here. The generators will soon stop producing heat and my suit will be the only thing left keeping the space at bay. Is it cold down there? Are they playing in the snow like I have asked them to do while I was gone? How did his therapy go? Does he even remember me? Is Marcus doing his best? Should I have left? I hate this. The only voice I hear is my own! Not the ones I want to hear...

.....

AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

....

The lights flicker every hour now. I am just going to keep going until I can not continue, or the power shut off for the last time. I have run out of things to talk about within the first month of talking to myself. Solitaire doesn't work when the cards float around. I try typing on the computer but the only thing I describe is the life I wished I never left. The life I thought I had everything. My job, repairing ships in space, was a dream come true. Now, I want to burn this place down and return to that stupid job at a desk. I could always be there for him when I wanted.

I could sleep but I am too tired to rest. This tired feeling I have can only be cured by going home. Whenever home is now. I have not seen anything for months. Years? How long have I been out here? Just stagnant white dots. As far as the eye can see and more. Miles away from the ones I love.

My heart wants to hear the words he used to whisper to me late at night as I stared at the night sky hoping for a better future while my past still haunts me. "I love you" and "It's going to be okay" were the ones I needed the most right now. Yet, I left them when I had their hands in my own, squeezing like a lifeline. How did I not see it?! Those sad blue eyes as I waved bye to the ones I love...loved. How I miss someone to hold when hope beings to fade.

We all need that in our lives. Will they ever get to know what had happened to me? Will they really cry for my sake? I feel as though I do not know anything. What was the meaning of life if all I am doing is regretting saying yes to my dreams? Dreams are supposed to guide a person to their destiny, their way in life. Is mine to be alone without the family I made for myself. Is that what I was meant for?

Is there a way to out of this life before my dream kills me?

A deep pit of loathe and shame, with a bit of despair sprinkled inside like the splash of icing on a cake. Of course, I have already thought about how to off myself many times now. Even spoken to whoever is out there listening about some of the ways I can go home. The airlock. The heat pressure tubing. Even just waiting for the cold to get to me. I have chosen so many things to do instead of dying. Though, I am getting too tired to fight the urge.

(A small hissing sound)

Oh. Compression in the hull. Finally! Just remember to exhale. My fingers are cold as well...*

The computer log shows the man choking on air, blood slowly pouring out of his eyes. His body looked slightly swollen.

-----

Marcus never knew that the last time he met his lover would be the last time he would meet him. That fight about him leaving for his dreams seems so unimportant now. Those awful words that were passed between the two ate away at his insides. He still had to deal with his child as well. Aaron will be so upset about this. He may never recover, reverting to the beginning before his days of relaxing at their house. Going back to being scared and alone, feeling as though there is no one in the world that understands him.

Marcus wished that this man, whoever he was, had only said that he was never coming back. That way he never had to be a witness to the slow descend of his lover. The man in the video was not the man he fell in love with. His lover was confident. He was kind. Lucas loved Aaron with all his heart. Lucas made the best life for that boy. Now he has to finish going through life without the man who made him believe he was worthy of being alive. They were perfect. A family worth all the happiness in the world. Only to have all that taken from them.

Life will go on.