1996: The Beginning of the End

1: Before and After

Eloise:

I'm okay. Whatever that word means anymore. I am what I am and nothing can change that. I think I'm just existing. A vessel that eats, talks and breathes like a normal human but it is completely and utterly empty inside. That's me. I looked tired, I knew that without even looking in the mirror. I knew because I didn't sleep. I knew by the way Lia dragged her eyes over my face every morning or by the way George offered me a sad smile as he slid the cafetiere over the kitchen counter every morning. "you know I'm not going to explode right?" I said glaring at the two of them as they watched me carefully pulling my school trunk for the room they had made up for me in their apartment in London.

"I told you you're hovering" George looked at Lia who was trying to pretend she wasn't watching me anxiously,

"oh shut up you, you're not much better" she said without much bite.

"I'm okay guys"

"we know" George said, "don't we Lee" he raised his eyebrows at Lia walking to help me with my trunk.

"you'll write won't you?"

"merlin's beard Lia" I chuckled, "it's Hogwarts not Hungry". I looked at my bags and my trunk and everything all gathered together. There was a knock on the door but I barely registered it.

"Eloise, you okay?" George asked as Lia opened the door and her mother, Hestia Jones breezed through the door.

"yeah" the word caught in my throat.

"give us a minute?" George said to Lia. I heard the door open and close. I didn't need to be coddled, I didn't need George to tell me that everything was okay. "it's okay, it's going to be okay", never mind, he was going to anyway.

"It's whatever" I swallowed. I looked up at him with a grim smile, "let's go". George looked me up and down. I wore comfortable black boots and dark jeans, a grey sweater and a tired expression.

"she'd be proud of you" he said with a small smile, "she was always so proud of you"

"yeah, well she's gone" I snapped, "there's no one left to be proud of me anymore". I felt bad snapping. George and Lia had taken me in after it happened. They never asked any question or intruded. They had just been there, but now I had to go back. I had to go back to Hogwarts and for the first time that would train would pull out and Mum wouldn't be on the platform to watch me go. She wouldn't send letters. She wouldn't visit me in Hogsmeade. She wouldn't be there to be proud of me. She was gone and for the first time in my life I was completely, utterly and terribly alone.

The platform was busy. Full of students and parents and professors moving and pushing trollies and reuniting with friends. I hugged both George and Lia. Hestia gave me a wink and a smile, but I could see the sadness behind her eyes. Mum and her were friends, good friends. Her eyes were full of guilt and anger and sadness. I spotted Molly Weasley arriving with what looked to be every person I knew. Ron, Ginny, Hermione, Harry, even Mr. Weasley and Fred bringing up the rear. My throat closed up slightly. I knew what would come, pity and apologies and more pity. Lia looked at me, understanding, "go get your seat, I'll make your excuses". I could've kissed her as her and George walked towards the gang. George's eyes lingering on me for a small while longer. Worry. I caught my reflection in the door of the train as I hoped on board. My normally bright hazel eyes were dull and tried. My skin was pale and I looked sad. My slumped shoulders and declined head a shadow of my former confident deminer. I was a shadow of the girl I was before. I guess that's what my life was then. Before Mum and after her. I could see Molly looking for me and Lia speaking to her. She had tried, they had all tried to help, but I didn't want help. I just wanted to be alone. I walked down the carriages watching students slide into seats and in and out of compartments until the train began to move and a cacophony of noise erupted as students leaned out of windows calling their goodbyes. I kept walking, I had no one to wave at, no one to miss me.

My letter had asked that I drop in to the staff compartments before taking my seat for the journey to meet the new potions teacher, which seemed odd to me considering I wasn't taking N.E.W.T level potions and had never displayed any talents in the area. I knocked on the door of the compartment labelled STAFF D and the unfamiliar voice called from within to enter. An older man with thinning hair and large belly sat in the compartment across from Blaise Zabini. "ah" the man said looking up and adjusting his glasses onto his round nose, "Eloise Vance, my you have grown up"

"good morning professor" I said tentively, still unsure as to who on earth this man was.

"I was just telling young Zabini here that I taught his parents, just as I did yours, I hear you show great promise in Defence Against the Dark Arts, as well as transfiguration". My cheeks reddened, even Balise who was normally everything you imagined a cocky prick to act like seemed embarrassed for me.

"why thank you" I swallowed, "what can I do for you professor?"

"I tend to choose a group of students Ms. Vance, a few of my favourites, those who show great promise and I guide them throughout the year and we throw a few gatherings, isn't that right Blaise"

"it's an honour, Professor Slughorn my father speaks highly of you" Blaise cleared his throat,

"if you don't mind Professor, I need to talk to someone" swallowed, that was lie. I had no one to talk to, I just couldn't stand the linger stare of this man who knew far more about me than I knew about him.

"oh, of course, you may both leave and I will see you at the school" but before Blaise could stand from his seat, Professor Slughorn turned to me.

"I'm so terribly sorry to hear about your mother, Ms. Vance, she was incredibly talented. A quick wit on that one" too soon, it was too soon for reminiscing, too soon to speak to people I didn't know about a woman who I knew better than them. I nodded, mumbling my thanks before rushing out the door. I rushed down the carriage, I brushed past a someone knocking their shoulder, not even stopping to say sorry. Everything felt heavy, everything felt wrong and sad and backwards. I was just existing and the world was turning around me and I was watching it pass me by. A world that was everything before and after was nothing.