1996: The Beginning of the End

5: Letters and Loneliness

Eloise:

I wasn't enjoying my current form of a lifeless being inside a vessel. It was exhausting. But I was too lost to pull myself out, no map or set of directions was going to help me now, I think I was tired to even try. Nothing interested me. Even transfiguration was tiresome. I woke up in the morning, I tried to eat, I tried to study when all I really wanted to do was sleep. I just wanted to sleep. When you sleep nothing hurts. No one talks when you sleep or looks at you with pity. You don't have to exist when you sleep. Unless there's nightmares but I think my body is too damaged for nightmares now. I found it hard to get out of bed. Hermione had to drag me to breakfast most days and on weekends I spent my time alone, as far away from people as possible. Snape as DATDA Professor wasn't much fun, Harry had been a much better teacher when we had been part of the DA last year. We had learned more in a few hours than Snape had taught us in two months. I was bored. "are you coming tonight?" Hermione asked me at breakfast on Friday morning. Slug Club dinner. I shook my head,

"I've a Transfiguration essay to finish" I shrugged stirring my cereal a few times,

"we don't have one" she said curtly,

"what?"

"we don't have an essay, we only handed the last one in on Monday" Hermione clarified, "she hasn't given us another one"

"I'm not up for it, I was just trying to be nice about it"

"between you and Harry, you're both miserable" she muttered,

"I apologise Hermione, I'll take my misery elsewhere" I snapped at her grabbing my cloak and clambering out over the bench.

"Eloise I didn't mean it like that"

"just forget it" I grumbled walking away. To be fair to Hermione she had tried with me, she got me out of bed in the morning and reminded me about homework and at least attempted to keep me in the human world. It wasn't fair of me to snap at her but I just couldn't, I couldn't not feel like this. I didn't want to go to lessons so I just kept walking and walking. Past students heading to class, that one first year that was still getting lost. Past ghosts and teachers and out into the cold air. It was freezing for October and the rain had stopped for the first time in weeks. Frost coated the ground and the slippy stone steps of the owlery that I walked up. It wasn't until my foot hit the top step that I even realised I had walked there. I hadn't been up since school had started, I realised I hadn't sent a letter since term had begun, I had received them alright. Lia, Mrs. Weasley, George, even Fred from time to time. My hands didn't seem to want to write back. I looked out across the school ground and the duvet of white frost now coating the grass. I used to love this time of year. When it started to get dark and cold. No need to get excited for it now. Everything was dark and cold now. I glared at it, glared at the place that was meant to make all the bed dreams go away. Hating it for making everything feel worse rather than making it go away just like magic

"a bit late for the morning post" his voice made me jump so badly that I almost slipped on the steps.

"any reason why you're sneaking around up here?" I whirled on my heel to look at Theodore Nott who was leaning against the door of the owlery with an amused smirk plastered across his face.

"I've actually been waiting up here every morning in the hope that you'll appear just so I can scare you" he raised his eyebrows.

"hilarious" I rolled my eyes turning back to the grounds.

"don't you have class?"

"don't you?" I snapped back,

"woah there, don't get your knickers in a twist I was only trying to make conversation"

"they are not in a twist you insufferable idiot" I turned back around and walked smack into him. He had moved closer and suddenly I had walked straight into his chest. We stood awkwardly for less than a second that in reality felt like an hour. I shoved past him walking towards the door.

"you need to take a 'chill pill' is that what the muggles call it, maybe you should take a few"

"oh fuck off Theo" I sighed looking into the owlery.

"what? Not going to fight me without an audience?". He was insufferable, such a cocky bastard. I whirled on him feeling like my skin was on fire with rage.

"I don't need an audience to destroy you, don't tempt me" I spat, "unless you want me to pitch you over that set of stairs. We'll see how confident you are when you're falling fifty feet down". He smirked. He smirked at me! ugh I could kill him, I thought about it. But I was too tired, too tired to actually follow through on that threat.

"why are you up here?" he asked and then it hit me that I didn't actually know. I didn't know why I had walked up here. I had no reason to anymore.

"I don't know" I said blankly, "I have no one to send letters to anymore"

"are you always this.."

"what?"

"straight forward about stuff?" he asked very awkwardly.

"I wasn't" I cleared my throat, "I am now". He seemed to find that an okay answer for his very strange question. "what about you?"

"I guess I thought maybe someone might have written me and I missed it this morning, so I walked up here to check only to be disappointed twice" he gave me a mock salute with a slight nod before wandering back down the stairs leaving me in the cold once more.