in another lifetime // tomokazu

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we will end it where we started.  

among the rocky cliffs below the kamisato estate, with the smell of ocean permeating the air. here, years ago, we met for the first time. you asked me who i was. i thought i told you the truth when i said. 

"i'm me."

i was wrong. 

without you, i don't think there is any "me" anymore. 

but we will end it where we started. we were so young back then. so free. so stupid. the world had yet to teach us its ways, but we didn't have to know. years ago we said hello among the rocky cliffs below the kamisato estate, with the smell of ocean permeating the air. today, the cliffs are the same. the ocean didn't dry. the air is still filled with the distant sound of your voice. but today, i'm here to say goodbye. 

and you won't reply. 

you never said goodbye. 

of all the things i couldn't forgive you, this one should be the worst. because last time we met you told me you'd be back. instead, you challenged your own death.

i often wonder, my friend, what expression was on your face? was it awe and admiration or fear when you acknowledged your defeat? you knew the price. we both knew it. sometimes i can't help but think you were just too full of yourself, thinking you of all people should take a stance. other times i wonder how long you fought before she silenced you forever.

i do not want to remember the stream of blood dripping from your half-open lips, nor how limp your body felt when i caught you. but you don't know. you don't. you were already deprived of heartbeat and ability to hear my scream. you broke the path we were meant to walk together, letting them bury our dreams along with you.

here, where it started. 

here, where it will end.

my friend, i held you dying in my arms and couldn't do anything. maybe if i came a little faster... maybe if i stopped you that night... maybe instead of letting you go i should have held your hand tighter and pulled you closer until you forgot you were supposed to leave. maybe if i kissed you that night and spoke the words i couldn't before, you'd change your mind...

i ran holding the last bit of you in my hand, letting it burn away, letting the flames consume the sound of my anguished cries. i knew... of all things that the world spared, i must never let your hope that burnt so brightly become buried among the ice cold statue of a god.

this hope, your hope, became mine to shelter until the very end. 

when the vision subdued for years shone once again... would you believe me if i said in that moment i almost expected to turn around and see you right behind me? you do not want to know the excruciating pain when i realised you weren't there. 

the thunder incinerates body and bone - in nourishing the earth may they both find rest. 

my friend... forgive me the tears i spill on the soil that holds your remains underneath. it's been so long since we were this close. i know that five feet underground your body lays lulled to perennial sleep. for all the nights you spent restless and awake, i hope you can finally find the rest you deserve.

we will end it where we started. 

among the rocky cliffs below the kamisato estate, with the smell of ocean permeating the air and setting the silence on fire. here, years ago, we met for the first time. you asked me who i was. i thought i told you the truth when i said.

"i'm me."

i was wrong.

without you, there is no me. 

i will leave it here. the piece of you that in the end... was the one who withstood the musou no hitotachi. you did it. in the end, you did it. 

my friend... forgive me the tears i spill on the soil that holds your remains underneath. i should have told you to stay. i should have told you exactly what you meant to me before you became a memory.

here, before the roads meant to stay untravelled, i'm saying my goodbye. in another lifetime, we will go there together. in another lifetime, i will not hesitate.

in this one, i am a lonely wanderer again.

but in another one, i will stay. join me when the autumn leaves fall among the rocky cliffs below the kamisato estate, with the smell of ocean permeating the air. i will wait. i will not be late.

goodbye, my love. 

may your soul find rest.