Passing Thoughts of the intimate mind

Drowning in the war

From the first breathe of the day till my eyes shut closed for slumber I am at war with the demons. The demons that live inside me and the ones that live inside of you.

We live simultaneously but it's like our paths don't cross. You are so caught in your own battle you barely have time for me.

And I'm drowning here. Barely hanging on to my life jacket, being pushed under by these evil things that tear us apart.

No matter what I say it's like I'm on mute and you can't hear me.

It's like how you play a song or melody and rap your own lyrics on top of it. At least that's how it feels. Like I'm talking but nothing I say is actually getting into the fortress you put up.

So maybe I'm the problem.
Maybe I need to change something. So I try a little harder. I would do anything just to see you happy. Just to be the thing that brings you joy.... but I'm not. I don't. I'm not capable. I never will be.

I guess I'm worthless then. Just something put on for looks. A passing fad maybe. It's like I see you struggling to even love me. Like I see it pain you to show me affection. Unless it's of the sexual kind.

Then it's all hands on deck. But I'm tired baby. I'm tired of getting nothing for my everything. I'm tired of the empty promises of better or the excuses on why you can't.

None of this means you are wrong or right but it's time. It's time we stop pretending and start being real.

I'm still that little girl waiting on someone to love her the right way and you are incapable of loving any one the right way.

You say you needed to teach me lessons. To be tough for the world... but how does someone you love destroy you and then blame you for your naive ways? How can someone who truly loves you tear you apart and then say it was all in their master plan?

I don't know how you could be so cruel. How you could tear the skin off my bones with your words. How you could break the one thing I had that you gave me...

And you are losing me... not to another but to the waves. They are crashing down hard now and I don't know if I can keep swimming anymore. I'm tired. My eyes are heavy. Crying, bleeding, drowning, and everything is spinning now.

Got to breathe. Got to slow down my breaths because it feels like I can catch them. They flee one after the other and I'm running after them. I'm shaking now.

This is worse than death because death you only suffer once but this feels like an eternity of pain in order to love you. Why is it so hard? Why does it feel like this has taken more from me then given.

I know I'm ugly, overweight, opinionated, hurting all the time, tired. Stressed. But see I thought love was unconditional and kind and patient. I thought If I loved you harder and longer and stronger than anyone else could ever love you that it would fix the broken pieces and maybe you could love me the same way.

Now I sit here in a pool of what seems like my own blood but they are just tears. Salty wet goodness that flows like a river out of my very heavy eyes. And I wait for it to be over. Wait for the end of this miserable existence. Living for you was a lie I told myself because I needed validation. And I drowned in it. And you fed on it.

There is nothing left. There is no more to give. I'm tire now. If this sleep takes me away forever I can finally be at peace.

But tomorrow comes. It always does. And I have to keep living. Keep enduring. Keep dying a little more each day.

They say that a person who dies by their own hand yields death as glorious. My only peace is that I suffer in pain but get to die every day again in darkness until the torment starts all over.

To us my love.