Big Girls Don't Cry

Weeping

The deaths of the twins changed my outlook on life. It took its toll on my momma too. She said she lost the four men in her life that meant the most to her - her father, her husband, and now her twin sons. She became depressed and shut out the world including me. I felt like I lost the most in this situation because I lost my momma too.
My mom started working the night shift because she hated being at our house at night. She said she couldn't take the silence. At sixteen I had to fend for myself. I was lonely and depressed too. During the day I was at school but at night I was home alone. I started gaining weight because all I would do was eat and sleep. I had no one to talk to. The few friends that I did have stopped calling, texting, or stopping by because I depressed them. They still had a life. My mom and I never really saw each other anymore and we when were home together we weren't even in the same room and we rarely talked.
On a few occasions when I did see her, I would go to my room and cry. She had aged so much over the past three months. At 51 she could still pass for 35. But now her once smooth skin showed signs of wrinkles and her long black hair was now streaked with silver. Her eyes no longer glowed. They were replaced with dullness. She never spoke about the twins. Never even mentioned their names. It was too painful for her. She couldn't understand how the thugs that killed her babies and four other teens had no respect for innocent life. Especially because one of the guys that went to prison for the murders was her nephew. He and his friends were aiming for two guys that robbed them the night before. They killed those two guys plus four more. He couldn't even look my momma in her face when he apologized to her in court. He took her slap and his life without parole sentence without saying one word. At thirty-two he would never be free again.
The deaths of the twins also destroyed my mom's relationship with her only sibling, my auntie Terri. Terrika Donaldson had a son and a daughter and a bad drug habit. She was my mom's younger sister. They had been close until Terri got pregnant at 15 and ran away. When she returned home a year later she had Tyrone and was pregnant with Tyrese. My grandparents accepted her back with open arms. But my mom had a hard time dealing with Terri abandoning her. They were never as close as they used to be but they were still sisters.
Once my mom found out it was her only nephew, Ty, who was responsible for murdering the twins, she went straight to her sister's apartment.
"You stupid bitch," my mom screamed as soon as my Aunt Terri opened the door. From there a fight ensued. It took both my cousin Rese, my aunt's boyfriend Rob, and myself to pull these women a part.
"All I had left in this fucked up world were my children," my mother sobbed, "and you took my boys away from me!"
"How the hell did I do that," Aunt Terri asked while struggling to to breathe.
"If you had raised your son! If you had been there for Tyrone instead of screwing every dick that came your way maybe he would have made something of himself. All he ever wanted was your love and attention. But you held the sins of his sorry ass daddy, whoever he may be, against him. You put Ty in the streets. Now he's killed my babies. You ain't never been shit, Terri. And you'll never be shit. And your whore ass daughter gonna be just like you!" my mother spat.
"Wait a minute Auntie Kiesha," Rese screamed. "I ain't no hoe!"
"You're whatever I say you are," my mom shouted. "You're 31 with six kids and five baby daddies. And you don't know which one gave your dumb ass HIV. You living with your sorry ass momma and both of y'all fucking Rob!"
Everyone who had come out of their apartments to see what the commotion was and film the action with their cell phones let out a collective gasp, including me.
"What the fuck," Aunt Terri asked as she look back and forth from her boyfriend to her daughter.
"I'm getting the fuck out of here," Rob screamed as he headed towards his truck. "Y'all bitches crazy!" He yelled this as he sped away.
"You stupid little bitch!" With these word Auntie Terri started her tirade. "You ungrateful ass whore! I took you and your bastard children in and you fuck my man?" With her last words Terri reached for Rese's neck and two gave the onlookers another show.
"Dumb hoe!" Rese shouted as she punched her mom, "He's RoRo's daddy! How long have I been living here? How old is RoRo?" The fight became more heated.
My mom grabbed me by the shoulder and pushed me towards our car. She shoved the keys in my hand and said, "Drive us home Jenesis!"
"Yes ma'am," I said and got in the driver's seat. Again, for the second time in two weeks, I heard sirens coming towards me. I drove away from the sound and towards home. I never heard from my aunt or cousin again.

*************************************************
School ended with my grades low and my spirit lower. I hoped that summer would give me a chance to spend some time with my mom. But her depression didn't allow it. While I was gaining weight my momma was losing it. I ate and she didn't. We both slept.
One morning I felt her standing in my doorway as I pretended to be sleep. She began to weep.
I sat up in my queen sized bed and asked, "Momma what's wrong?"
"Do you know what today is?"
I struggled to grasp what the date was. Then it hit me. I forgot my own birthday. I began to laugh and couldn't stop. My laughing was contagious because my mom joined. Minutes later when the tears stopped falling my mom joined me on my bed.
"We have to start living Jen. You're 17 years old today and you're...I mean we are living like two old bitties. I know I haven't been here for you. But I'm here now. You didn't go to prom, or to a movie, or nothing these past 6 months," she reminded me as she rocked me in her arms. I cried silently. "Baby," she said, "we have to do better. Look at us. I'm wasting away and you're..." She couldn't finish her sentence.
I stood up and looked in my dresser mirror. I looked like Precious. I was close to 300 pounds. The only thing I did to my limp and lifeless hair was put it in a bun or a ponytail. Tears began to fall down my face. I was always overweight, but this was ridiculous. "What can I do?" I asked my mother as she hugged me.
"First, WE," she emphasized, "can start living again. Let's exercise and eat right. And for starters today we treat ourselves to a girls' day out. We'll get our hair done, a medi and pedi, shop a little and go to your favorite restaurant, Pappadeux! How does that sound?"
Just in case my broad smile wasn't enough, I hugged my mom and told her, "Give me 45 minutes to get ready!"
"Come get me when you're ready, baby," she laughed.
"Yes ma'am," I said rushing to the bathroom.
The hot water running down my body felt good. I couldn't believe I forgot my own birthday. I guess I didn't have the twins there bursting in my room to remind me. Just thinking about them put a little cloud in my otherwise sunny day. I finished getting ready and knocked on my mom's bedroom door
"Ma are you ready?"
"Yes," she said stepping out of her room looking better than had in a long time! Her eyes had the a slight glow. I felt like I was getting my mom back.
The girls' day out rejuvenated my spirit. My mom and I started living again. We exercised, ate better, and talked more. We still didn't talk about the twins but at least we laughed more. My mom started to look like her youthful self again and I started to slim done a little.
I knew I would never be a skinny Minnie but I could live with big slim. That was GT nick name for me. He was my first boyfriend.