Evening Star: Edward's Story

Chapter Twenty: Decisions, Decisions

Here's Chapter 20! It was tough to write--so much angst!! One reader on Fan Fiction.net commented that Edward keeps repeating himself, and yes, he does. He just thinks too much sometimes, but that's why we love him!

Please keep voting, liking, and commenting!!! And welcome to all the new fans!!

Love you all,

Cassandra

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Chapter Twenty: Decisions, Decisions

Usually the nights I held Bella sped by...mornings always came far too early, and I would leave her bed at sunrise on school days (or later during summer vacation) with the utmost reluctance. I would hold her in my arms, searing her scent, her warmth, her miraculous love into my perfect memory to relive throughout the day. Each night passed so quickly in a haze of absolute contentment. Never was I bored, restless, or anxious; I was completely happy.

But this night in a strange hotel room and with much I was forced to think about-this night was passing slowly, each moment feeling like an hour.

I tried to convince myself that this slow passage of time tonight was a good thing. I had so many aspects of our relationship to ponder, then decide the best course to protect Bella. I wasn't thinking about my own happiness in the least; rather, I burned with the need to insure her safety and perfect my self-control.

Bella nestled against me in her sleep, burrowing her head into my chest, her small hand fisting my shirt. I held her closer for a moment, but with her warmth suffusing my icy body, I found it extremely difficult to concentrate.

It certainly didn't help that Alice had rebelled at packing Bella's holey t-shirt and sweatpants for a romantic evening away, for the silky gown that Alice had provided in lieu of Bella's usual sleep attire was certainly not helping my concentration, especially as I remembered Bella blushing bright red when she emerged from the bathroom in the matching knee-length deep blue silk robe and slip-like gown, the latter trimmed with blue lace that dipped in a low "v" between her breasts. The color was perfect, causing her fair skin to glow in the dimly-lit room.

I had gulped at this vision, frozen in place, mentally cursing and cheering Alice at the same time. I'm sure I looked absolutely ridiculous with my eyes popping out of my head, wishing bizarrely that tonight was our wedding night and that I had the right to possess her at this very moment, but Bella had only smiled knowingly before allowing me to tuck her into bed. I breathed a little easier once she was beneath the covers, but having her curled around me right now was ruining any chance of concentrating on anything but trying not to surrender my already-battered control. More than anything, I wanted to follow the curve of the blue lace with my fingers where it dipped low on her chest-I wanted to touch her as I desired and never stop.

Knowing that I had much to mull over this night, I was quite aware that any thought (or at least the kind of thinking I needed to do) was impossible while wrapped in Bella's arms. All-too-conscious of her silky warmth against me despite the sheet and blanket separating us, I began to ease my body away from hers with the utmost care. Making infinitesimal movements, I slipped Bella off my chest and slowly pried my now-wrinkled shirt from her fisted grasp. It took nearly half an hour for me to edge myself out of the large hotel bed without waking her. But I knew that if I were to think through all aspects of our relationship, I would need to do so away from Bella's sweet influence, her scent, her warmth, her unconscious beauty, and far, far from that revealing gown!

As I crept to the doorway of the bedroom, I stopped to look back over my shoulder at Bella. She lay deeply asleep, curled on her side facing where I had been laying, her bare arm outstretched as if she were holding my body to hers. The blue spaghetti straps of her gown were temptingly visible above the bed covers, and I averted my eyes so that I could vacate the room without accosting her. As I moved from the bed, I pushed a strong sense of emptiness from me; I knew that I had to think, and I had think alone.