puppy love ━━ misc

i hate being an introvert

hi im having an identity crisis and i want to reinvent myself because i fucking hate being an introvert and im not at all the jealous type hoWever i am so jealous of more extroverted people

like i simply do not have an open energy. i am very closed off and idk where that comes from whether its my body language or just my energy in general but i hate it

its very unlikely that ill be the talkative one in a group gathering or something and yet i cant shut my mouth when im comfortable around you ( and the problem is that it'll take forever for me to warm up to a person )

its like i constantly avoid conversations with people because i am SO BAD at small talk. i want to go straight to deep convos and clicking with the other person but i cant be bothered to initiate conversations
like ?? Does this make sense

i just feel so awkward with small talk
and whats even worse is that im self conscious that the other person will also think im awkward

and what i hate more about my introvert self is that it leads to an introverted life.
like im always in my bubble and only occasionally step out of my comfort zone

and the sad part is that i love stepping out of my comfort zone!! i love interacting with people and channeling my extroversion but i just feel like i dont have many opportunities to do that

and ive had those opportunities before and i took them!! but its so rare for their to be an opportunity

i love and cherish my peace but my day to day routine is so bland but idk what to do to spice it up a little
and im starting university this week hence the identity crisis

ranting abt this is so embarrassing but i dont think anyone will read this so its fine shshdh
if you are reading this however,, help