Hakuouki: Change of Fate

Men Don't Make Excuses

**Author's Note** Hello all! Apologies for not updating in a while. My personal laptop gave out in late May and I wasn't able to replace it until August. Now that I'm back up and running chapters should hopefully come MUCH faster!

Saito POV

Winter had long since settled over the capital, turning the vibrant trees into frozen skeletons. The new year was less than forty-eight hours away, and the compound was lively with activity. It would seem that all the rumors of war and extra patrol shifts couldn't dampen the soldier's excitement of a fresh start and all the festivities that came with it.
Despite all the buzzing elsewhere, the captain's dining hall was quieter that afternoon. With Souji' feeling under the weather' and Harada out on duty, the room was missing its usual liveliness. Saito didn't mind the change; it allowed him to memorize the compound and his comrades, for soon he would be leaving this place...
"Elena," Kondou called for her as she passed through the room. "Will you not be joining us for lunch again today?"
Elena held up an onigiri she was snacking on and gave a halfhearted smile that didn't reach her eyes. "I was planning on making duck soup tonight since it's been so cold, and Heisuke caught all those ducks the other day. I have a lot of prep work to do this afternoon, so-"
"About that..." Heisuke cut in. "Remember how I said I'd go to the market and get you the ingredients you needed? Well, there was this situation. An unfortunate accident, really...."
"What kind of 'unfortunate accident,'" Hijikata growled.
Heiskue rubbed at the back of his head and mumbled something unintelligible. "Had you been there, I'm sure you would have done the same thing too, you see-"
Nagakura took the lead for him. "Come on now, pipsqueak, remember what Harada said about making up excuses! Some ronin were harassing a shop owner and master forerunner here," he punched Heisuke in the arm, nearly toppling his friend over. "Destroyed half the place when he tried to subdue them."
Hijikata's eyes bulged. "You weren't even on patrol!"
"I know that, but-" Heisuke tried to defend himself.
"Had you waited for someone in uniform to show up, the situation probably wouldn't have escalated to that point. The damages to the shop are coming out of your pay."
"Hijikata-"
"Commander," there was a knock at the shoji. One of the soldiers on duty at the front gate slid it back and entered. "There is a gentleman by the name of Jin Hirai to see you. He says he has a grievance he wishes to discuss."
"I'm sure he does." Kondou sighed as he laid his chopsticks down on his half-eaten lunch tray. He motioned for Heisuke to follow. "Anything further you wish to discuss can be dealt with in my chambers."
Hijikata turned his attention to Elena. His eyes scanned her once over, taking in even the smallest of details. It had been a little over two weeks since the incident at Sumi, and she hadn't been the same since. Everyone assumed it was because of her issues with the ronin, but he and  Saito knew better... 
* * * *
"I noticed her presence too late," Saito reported to Hijikata on the night of the incident. "She overheard me telling Itou I would join his ranks. Elena believes me to be a traitor and deserter."
Hijikata nodded. "Did you handle it?"
Saito's mind flashed back to the dim hallways of Sumi. Elena's eyes expertly assessed his position and spotted a weakness. He had taught her well and forgotten his own good sense in the process. She had made him careless. Saito never meant to grab her that hard. Still, the situation was complicated, and Elena was fighting with her full force. Itou was plotting against the entire Shinsengumi; he couldn't let Elena run off and jeopardize the mission.
He tried to rationalize and told himself Elena could handle the pain. After dinner, she trained with him the same as any other soldier on the compound. She never allowed anyone to take extra care or pull their strikes when sparing because she was a woman. None of these truths made him feel any better.
"Elena has given me a month to 'report' to you that I am leaving the Shinsengumi. She gave me her word she would not tell any of the other captains about my departure, and I trust she will keep to her word...But, I believe we should inform her of our plans anyway."
"No, the more people who know of our plans, the more likely the secret is to get out."
"Elena wouldn't betray the Shinsengumi-"
"I'm not saying she would intentionally," Hijikata had chosen his words carefully. "Perhaps it would be different if Elena was a better liar. We just can't risk her actions giving away the truth. As it stands right now, she's hiding behind Yamazaki and Harada's reports of the evening; most likely so she doesn't raise suspicion telling her abridged version."
Saito gave a single, resigned nod. Hijikata was right.
"Elena is more or less one of us. She trains, draws her sword, and even goes into battle from time to time. Have some faith in her; she's proved herself to be stronger than we'll ever be able to give her credit for. One day, when the truth comes to light, she will understand why the events played out the way they did. Until that day comes, I am afraid you have a long and lonesome job ahead of you, but please endure it. We are all counting on you whether we know it now or not."
"My heart and loyalty belong to the Shinsengumi. Even if I must play the part of a traitor and go away for some time, my home and where I truly belong will not change."
"I will be waiting for your safe return; ensure you make it back to us."
* * * *
"Seeing as we have no supplies now, I would like you to go out to the market to buy some. Saito's unit is up next on patrol this afternoon; he can escort you."
Elena's teeth hooked onto her lower lip, and her hand crossed absentmindedly over the wrist that had recently recovered. "I'm busy this afternoon."
"Doing what? Your previous plan was to cook with ingredients we don't have."
"Harada was going to help me learn a few new Hōzōin-ryū techniques today."
"Harada is working checkpoints this afternoon."
"I have notes to transcribe too..."
"The notes you turned into me last week?"
"I just don't want to go, okay!" She finally snapped.
Hijikata was pushing Elena on purpose. He didn't like that Elena's behavior had changed so dramatically since the night at the inn. He especially didn't like that she now wouldn't leave headquarters period and had pulled herself away from the other captains in an attempt to avoid Saito. When Elena had faced down ronin and Kazama at the Ikedaya and lost, she was scared, yes, but that fear drove her to become a better swordsman. She demanded Saito train her more and continued pursuing her goal of going on patrol. It was only a matter of time before the other captains realized something bigger had changed and put the clues together.
Hijikata had tasked Saito with trying to smooth things over with Elena. The first part of that job was getting her to interact with him. A task that was proving to be easier in theory, hence Hijikata stepping in.
"I don't mind going to the market if Elena is still...shaken by the ronin from Sumi." Inoue volunteered.
Elena's eyes widened to the size of the onigiri in her palm, and her eyebrows shot to her hairline. She had apparently been so busy avoiding Saito she hadn't yet heard the assumptions of the other captains had made about her strange behavior. She opened her mouth, undoubtedly ready to protest, but then her eyes slipped over to Saito, and her mouth snapped back shut. For the briefest of moments, Saito could have sworn that he saw her eyes turn a greenish-gold hue, but they were back to blue before he could be sure.
"Inoue is right. I was shaken by what happened at Sumi," Elena said, dropping her head in an attempt to conceal her irritated facial expression. "Ronin got the best of me, and I'm not ready to go back out on the streets just yet."
Elena had caught onto the tells that gave her away when she was lying and had curbed the habit. Saito had learned the tricks she used to mask the behaviors. For example, she slowed her speech to keep her voice even. Her posture would become rigid to keep herself from nodding in agreement with the lie. She had gotten better; it just wasn't quite enough.
Hijikata wasn't buying her story either. He didn't challenge her, though. Instead, he shook his head and said, "The best way to get over fear is to get back out there. You can't let one unpleasant experience keep you locked inside forever."
"Says the man who kept me locked inside for over two years thanks to one unpleasant experience," Elena muttered under her breath.
The entire room heard her, but Hijikata graciously ignored the dig. "I'm not asking your permission, Elena. You're going to the market this afternoon with the third division. That's an order."
"Don't sweat it, Elena; this will be nothing like Sumi." Nagakura tried to reassure her. "Saito will be by your side the entire trip; he won't let anyone lay a hand on you this time."
Elena made a strange face between anger, hurt, and what Saito could only assume was supposed to be an attempted smile. She nodded a few times and backed herself towards the door before spinning on her heel and excusing herself from the room.
"Damn," Nagakura blew a large puff of air from his cheeks. "She's taking what happened with those ronin pretty hard."
"While I'll admit Elena's resilience has always impressed me, at the end of the day, she is still a civilian woman. We should have never sent her in there to do a soldier's job," Inoue said.
* * * *
Thanks to Hijikata's orders, Elena showed up on time at the front gate. She didn't bother disguising herself as a man today- her being a female hadn't been a secret for a long time now- but she did choose to slide her sword into her obi. Saito wasn't sure what to make of this small defiance. Did she think he would pick a fight with her or make her stay back because she wasn't 'properly dressed'? Saito chose not to play into whatever she was trying to accomplish, and they set off.
As always, when he had Elena with him, Saito took up the rear of the formation. He kept her several steps back from the squad in hopes that she would strike up a conversation; she could berate him for all he cared so long as it meant her finally speaking to him. This effort was in vain. He could have been a tree on route to the market for all the attention she paid him.
As they reached the town, they passed the checkpoint Harada was working. Saito could tell before they approached that something wasn't quite right. He was standing between a civilian and one of the Bakufu soldiers, his hand raised in a gesture to ward the soldier off. The Bakufu representative's hand tightened on his hilt, and he raised his voice. Elena quickened her pace, breaking formation, so she had an unobstructed view of the confrontation.
"You cannot simply write someone off as innocent. Look at this cart of exports! He must be thoroughly checked," the soldier told Harada.
"His papers were legitimate; we have no reason to search his things. The exports are clearly gifts for his family!"
"If you don't have the backbone to do the job, stand aside." The soldier motioned for two of his men to come forward and ransack the civilian's cart. "Cut through everything!"
"Hey! Wait a minute!" Harada yelled.
The Bakufu soldier picked up a doll from the man's cart and sliced it open from neck to navel. Elena shoved her hand into her mouth to stifle her cry of dismay. Her eyes looked to Harada to stop him, but Yuuto held him back and murmured something in his ear. The civilian dropped to his knees and wept; he didn't have the money to replace the ruined gifts for his children, nor would the Bakufu reimburse him. Saito motioned for his men to head out on their rounds then coaxed a reluctant Elena away from the dismal scene.
"Bastards!" Elena murmured when they were out of earshot.
"There are a large number of people attempting to smuggle secret messages past the borders of Kyoto. The Bakufu are trying to do their job and inspect each person passing through."
Saito didn't know if his words would put Elena at ease at all, but he hoped some kind of explanation would help her understand. To his surprise, Elena responded to him.
"Inspecting a man's property and destroying it is not the same thing."
"I agree with your sentiment. That being said, it is hard for justice to prevail right now. Things are just too unstable. Sometimes the only way to keep everyone safe is to treat everyone like a criminal."
"Is that what Itou taught you?" She said his name as though it were something stuck to the bottom of her shoe.
"Since you've brought it up, I've wanted to speak with you about that night," Saito deflected and took his opening. "I hurt you and wish to make an apology."
Elena gave a bitter, jaded laugh. "Fine, we'll have this conversation. How do you think you hurt me, Saito?"
He stopped walking. 'How did he think he hurt her?' Had she sustained more injuries than just her wrist?!
"I...did I bruise something else?"
"No, the bruising was the least of my worries. That heals in two weeks. You damaged my reputation, Saito. I know that I got in over my head at Sumi, and Yamazaki had to step in to help me, but I was also unarmed and fighting two men who were bigger than me. I fought back, though, scared as hell, I fought back. By the time I got to you, I had faced down I don't know how many ronin and Kazama, but no one in the Shinsengumi will ever recognize that. All they saw was that I came home banged up and upset, and what assumption do you think they all made?
"Do you think they guessed I was upset because I was betrayed and physically harmed by someone I cared about? Of course not! They assumed it was Kazama or the ronin, and I had to let them believe it to protect you and your lies! You watched me fight for years to be seen as capable. I just got to a point where the people around me don't make ignorant comments or treat me like glass, and in a single night, you've ruined it all! It will take me months, if not years, to undo that kind of damage, and for what? Look me in the eyes, Saito, and tell me it's all worth it."
"I didn't think-"
"No, you clearly didn't; that's the shittiest part... I honestly thought you were different and that you understood me. You recognized my intellect and strength. You worked with me to help me hone some of those skills. But in the end, when it really came down to it, you didn't think twice about the consequences I would have to face to protect you. You have the privilege and luxury of never having to worry about these issues. Even in a time when people struggle to accept someone different from them, you can still find someone willing to give you a chance all because you have the correct package between your legs."
Her words were vulgar, but there was no longer any malice behind them. Now when she spoke, her voice was quiet and even-toned. Her eyes searched his for some kind of an explanation that he couldn't give her right now. Saito's mind flashed back to Hijikata's words, 'I am afraid you have a long and lonesome job ahead of you ...'  This was a lie; another soul was hurting and shouldering the burden with him.
"I'm so sorry, Elena," Saito scrambled for the right words to say to her. "It was never my intention-"
"Save your apologies and excuses; they won't help you now. Only the truth will."