SCRIPTURIENT REVIEWS | OPEN

❄ EVERMORE | CASSIE ❄

Reviewed by: FmEver
Book Title: Evermore
Author's Name: -gcldrush-

Cover: 5/10
It’s a nice cover but doesn’t work for this story. You need a couple and not just a girl. You can try some darker colors too. 

Title: 7/10
The title is catchy and meaningful but I think it doesn’t fully capture the story’s plot. 

Blurb/Description: 7/10
The blurb, despite its short length, is interesting and well written. I don’t like the final question as it’s not interesting enough.

Creativity and originality: 5/10
Fanfictions cannot be very original because the world-building, the main idea and some (if not most) of the characters belong to the original author.

Plot and Flow: 13/20
I was intrigued when I first saw the diary-like entries, but this can do more harm than good to your story. Using dates to tell your story might lead you to write every single thing that happens.

For example, in chapter 3, nothing happened during the transfiguration class and yet you “wasted” a small paragraph for this.

The same thing happens in the next entry “September 2, 1977, Hogwarts”.

It’s important to know what you need to include and what doesn’t offer anything to the story.

I suggest showing more the magic and spells they do or make them have some trouble with forbidden spells, etc…

Also, while the harry potter world is full of characters and I’m sure you can create many more, it’s better to slowly introduce the characters and not use too many new characters at once.

The flow was okay, but, as I will mention later, you have made a few mistakes that hinder the flow of your story.

Character Development: 5/10
I didn't notice any character development. The majority of your characters don't have different personalities. While I admire your use of the facial expressions, this isn't enough to show their emotions. You need more descriptions and definitely more body language. Show their feelings and don't just focus on their words. Find their interests and what drives them crazy, test them in difficult situations and make them angry or sad to show their true personality.

Writing style, grammar, spellings, etc.: 5/10
The first two chapters have a very poetic style and you continue to write in an old-fashioned way. I understand that this might be your style but you still need to learn a lot about showing emotions, creating multi-dimensional characters and adding depth to the words and expressions of your characters.

I noticed that you use a lot of the dialogue tag "said". It's simple and effective, but it tends to be boring. In real life, people whisper or shout and sometimes they explain, they get angry or they try to defend themselves. There are a lot of dialogue tags that perfectly work for that purpose and can make your story more interesting and vivid. Also, dialogue tags shouldn’t start with a capital letter and remember to use a comma and not a full stop before them.

E.g. “Hello,” he said.

A comma is, also, needed when addressing someone (it looks like you sometimes forget this rule) and put a space after a comma and a full stop.

It shouldn't be "September,2,1977" but "September, 2, 1977".

Every comma and space has a reason to exist. By the way, the most correct form is "September 2, 1977".

I noticed a few grammatical mistakes that you can only fix with an editor or an editing app.

One example is a sentence in chapter 1: “Satisfied with the letter, she went over to the stand where both her family owl she had gotten stayed.” This sentence doesn’t make sense and it looks as if you have used more words than you need.

Another grammatical issue you should check is the extensive use of the passive voice. It shouldn't be "Clementine was sat" but "she sat" or "was sitting". You don't have to use passive voice in every description because it makes the story less vivid and it hinders its flow.

Last but not least, check some very long sentences. For example, the first sentence in chapter 1 is an entire paragraph. Use smaller sentences and focus on what’s important.

Don’t over-analyze situations.

Genre relevance: 10/10
This is a true harry potter fanfiction.

Reader enjoyment and Communication with the readers: 7/10
It looks like most of your readers enjoyed your story, but mainly because it’s a harry potter fanfiction. I like that you interacted with a few of them, but since you have a lot of fans, maybe you could answer more to them.

Overall: 64/100
I like the couple you are trying to create and how could I not be excited to read a story from the harry potter world? I believe your story can improve a lot if you fix the grammar, add descriptions and make your characters more realistic.

Good luck!