29 Days

1 - Warmth of His Embrace

TW: Self-harm

I missed him. He was in front of me, but I missed him.

I am Jana, an only child. My father raised me all by himself since my mother passed away when I was younger.

I don't have a good relationship with my father. We barely talk or see each other since he's always busy with work. It's as if he's purposely avoiding me. Minsan na nga lang din kami magkasabay kumain.

You see, I am well-provided. I have everything that I need, especially the material things that I want, and yet, I can't help but still feel a void inside me.

I don't have my circle of friends. Well, I don't have the time to socialize. My father told me to focus on my studies and make sure that I maintain my ranking in class. Sinabi niya na kahit iyon na lang ang kapalit sa pagpapalaki niya sa akin.

Hanggang sa madali ko nang nagagawa lahat ng inuutos niya. Of course, who wouldn't?

He would hire private tutors and enroll me in summer classes. I did everything he asked me to do, kahit hindi iyon ang gusto ko.

I remember back in junior high, I tried joining organizations and other extracurricular activities. But when he saw my grades, he immediately pulled me out of the club and stopped me from joining again.

"I told you to focus on your studies, didn't I?! Anong nangyari rito sa grades mo?!" I could feel the tears running down my cheeks. "Sorry, pa. Gusto ko lang naman pong subukan na-"

"Ha! Tapos ngayon iiyak ka? Simula ngayon, dito ka na lang sa bahay. Walang lakwatsa after school, naiintindihan mo?!"

Alam kong wala na akong magagawa para makumbinsi siya, "O...Opo, pa."

"You're so useless."

As soon as he left, I fell to my knees and cried my heart out.

I simply want to experience a normal teenage life, is that too much to ask?

After what happened, he made sure to keep me busy with academics.

I started to hate it. I started to hate everything around me. Every night, I would cry myself to sleep and wish Mom was still here with us—with me. I kept asking myself if am I even important to him or if he even loves me.

Why did we change, Pa? Akala ko ba prinsesa mo ako? I still remember that whenever I used to cry, bibili ka ng ice cream para hindi na ako umiyak. Bawat linggo palagi tayong pumupunta sa parke at kumakain sa labas. Minsan pa'y bibilhan mo ako ng art materials dahil mahilig ako mag-drawing.

Hindi ba puwedeng katulad na lang ng dati, Pa?

"Pa, I'm sorry," I said as I cut my wrist with a blade. Blood's gushing out from the wound, did I cut it deep enough? My hand feels numb...

"Jana! Why didn't you attend classes today?!"

Ah, he's home.

"Jana, come down here!"

Pa, you can stop now.

"Is this your way of rebelling against me?!" I can faintly hear the door opening and footsteps coming closer.

You don't care about me anyway.

"Jana, you-!"

I felt arms wrapping around me, gentle but rashly lifting me.

"Manong, sa hospital. Pakibilisan."

I opened my eyes to look at him. Why does he look worried?

Was I wrong?

"Jana, what have you done?! Bakit-"

He was shaking so I reached for his face and caressed it.

"It's okay, Pa. You'll be fine without me now."

"Jana, ano bang sinasabi mo? Stay still."

"Manong, wala na bang ibibilis pa ito?! This is an emergency!"

"Y...Yes, sir."

I tapped his hand, he glanced at me for a second then looked away.

"Pa..." He's not facing me but I know, nakikinig siya. "Nakakapagod din pala." 

"I'm tired of always trying to please you." That's when he looked at me. "Of the things that you wanted me to do so that I won't disappoint you." I let out a breath, "Pa, I just wanted your attention. Did you know? I was envious of my friends and schoolmates because they got to feel cared for by their fathers. I only wanted you to make me feel like you love me—like a father cherishes their daughter."

Pain is visible in his eyes now.

"Princess, I do. Don't say that."

Princess... He called me princess.

"I..." His voice cracked. "I kept myself busy so I won't think of your mother. Because every time I see you, I kept missing her and it hurts me."

That's why you're rarely at home... But I hope you know I was hurting too.

"You look so much like her. I was worried if I could take care of you even without your mother." Tears fell from his eyes.

"You are a good father, and I might've failed to see that. You were afraid all this time, and I misunderstood you. Thank you for telling me." I smiled.

"Pa..." I feel so light. "Take care of yourself for me, hm?"

He tightened his hold on me.

"Of course, but you should be the one to take care of me." He tried to smile but failed.

"I'm sorry."

"No, It's fine. Just please... please hold on. We're almost there."

I feel my consciousness slipping away.

A small smile formed on my lips.

"I love you, Pa," I whispered.

"I love you, My princess."

She felt his hands envelop her.

I felt the warmth of his embrace,
and that... was all I ever wanted.

The End.