i watch your light eyes [j.b.b.]

part 1/1

Bucky feels it when he falls, the split-second when he steps too far out of the hole where a window used to be, and cannot step forward in time to stop it.

After a while, you get accustomed to it, he muses, as his stomach drops and his throat clogs, wind rushing through his hair. Bucky does not have a backup plan, does not know if Sam is near to catch him, does not know if this fall will kill him.

At that thought, his heart burns with something almost melancholy, something like wistfulness. Could this kill him?

Bucky does not want to die, exactly. He does not try to, at least. Well. Not anymore. After Steve left he just wanted to feel-

No. Bucky is not trying to die, did not head into this fight with any intent except to protect New Yorkers from the flying robots released by the villain of the month.

Would it be that terrible, he thinks, for it all to end here?

Might be nice to see Steve again, the dark greedy part of his brain thinks, and god, that was not the thought he needed right now, but he cannot help leaning into it, like a flower turning towards the sun. Steve Steve Steve Steve.

Bucky Barnes' oldest habit, he thinks dryly. Falling for Steve Rogers.

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Falling for him in Brooklyn, two boys hitting the dirt after Steve's sense of justice led them into another fight against kids twice their size.
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Falling for him in the Alps, snowflakes whipping past as he fell into ice and death.
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Falling for him on the Hellicarriers, as dual instincts screamed both kill and protect, echoing over each other, shaking him to his foundations.
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Falling for him on the battlefield, hands reaching out as he dissolved to ashes. The Blip, they call it now, like the name covers the feeling of your very being dissolving. Blip.
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His destiny, it seems, is to fall for Steve Rogers.

He cannot ponder the other ways he has fallen for him, the ways that feel as though his heart will beat out of his chest, the feelings that make him want to crush his mouth to Steve's when the light catches his hair or when Steve's fingers softly brush Bucky's skin when he applies a bandage.

Is there any harm, though, in thinking of those feelings one last time as you hurtle towards unforgiving concrete?

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Two boys in Brooklyn, getting patched up after a fight. Eyes as blue as Ma's kitchen apron, smears of blood around his mouth, smile as blinding as the sun. Red, white, and blue, even then. Bucky remembers the feeling cracking into his chest while Sarah Rogers cleans them up and scolds. Steve is his, and Bucky will follow him anywhere.

When he gets older, Bucky will be equal parts confused and selfishly glad no one else sees the radiance of tiny Steve Rogers. After Austria, when he sees Steve's new body and the adoration that surrounds him, he cannot help the pride, tinged with bitterness, that sweeps through him. Now everyone sees his Steve how Bucky always has. Not having to share Steve has made him poor at it. Bucky pines, Bucky dreams, and Bucky falls.
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A train heading through the mountains, Bucky's hand stretching far, even as he feels the bar give way beneath him. His eyes catching Steve's, taking the blue with him as his own screams swirled around him. There was not a lot of time to think then, not when he was so scared, the sensation of falling still new, and so he only had one full thought before he hit the snow-capped rocks below. He's still safe - I fell alone. Bucky's love for Steve engulfs him, settling in right next to the fear fear fear behind his ribs. Bucky does not have time to fully feel the satisfaction of Steve's safety before crushing pain wipes his mind into white. He has fallen, yes. But the timing of his fall kept Steve on that car, kept him from being further on the blowing door when the bar broke.

And he got to keep those blue eyes the whole way down.

A fair trade, Bucky might have thought, if he was still conscious.
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The Soldier does not know the man on the Hellicarriers. Or does he? Clashing images in his head confuse him, shake up the mission. Nothing should be able to loosen the mission's grip from his chest, but here he is, panting and fighting The Man With A Shield even as his chest burns and shakes. As they fall, The Man With A Shield keeps speaking to him - James Buchanan Barnes, end of the line. Their craft is hit, knocking Shield into the air, sending him towards the water. As their eyes lock, he is shaken. Isn't he the one who is supposed to be falling?

The Soldier makes a choice that would infuriate his handlers - he listens to the echoes in his brain, and the pounding in his chest. He dives.
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Something is wrong. Something is wrong inside, a burning itchy feeling like ants are marching under his skin. Bucky recognizes the feeling of being unmade. Before he goes, he wants - he wants -

"Steve?"

Steve turns, confusion etched across his features. Bucky feels lighter, the ants receding. Maybe, Bucky thinks, if I take a piece of Steve with me every time, I will keep making it out alive. He feels even lighter now, but realizes it is because his limbs are going. Before he can see Steve's confusion turn to horror, Bucky falls.
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Now Bucky is falling again, one hundred miles an hour out of an office building that had been swarmed by flying robots. Does it count as falling for Steve still, if Bucky thinks about him the entire way down?

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Gloved hands snatch Bucky from the air, less than ten feet above the ground.

"Barnes!" barks Sam. "You have to tell me when you need a lift. I'm taking you to Widow, she is finishing up her quadrant and I want to finish this so we can all go home."

Home, Bucky thinks, chest twinging. Home.

"Bucky! Are you good to fight?" Sam asks. "Gonna need a verbal response on this one."

"Of course," Bucky replies, his throat hoarse, "Just trying to figure out how I've knocked out so many more of these things when you can fly."
Why is his throat hoarse? Was he screaming? Bucky does not remember screaming.

Sam snorts but says nothing more as he flies Bucky closer to the fray.

Bucky looks down, watching the concrete blur beneath him. Steve, he thinks. Steve Steve Steve.
Strange, isn't it, how the ground, cold and unforgiving and grey, everything Steve wasn't, is the portal to him?

Bucky Barnes does not want to die, exactly.

But if he has to die, Bucky thinks, it is best to do it the same way he does everything else: by falling for Steve Rogers.