Despite the Pain

Chapter 11

I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep before I heard Albion in the kitchen, and I absolutely did not get a bit of sleep after he went back to his bedroom. I laid back and stared at the ceiling, absently running my fingers over my lips. I could still feel that kiss, soft and tentative and earnest. I replayed it over and over in my mind, trying to figure out what I could have--should have done differently to get him to stay. He froze up when I kissed him back, the breath he took when I pulled back was ragged and shallow. He didn't even open his eyes at first, didn't move. I could still feel where his hand was on my back. Where he'd rested the other on my leg when he first leaned in.

Ethan was up early. I listened to him move through the second floor, heard him open the boys' door and pretended to be asleep when he looked in on me. After he moved downstairs, I slipped out of bed and lifted the curtains to look out the window. The wind was still howling, but the snow seemed to have died down a bit. I debated going downstairs to help Ethan or looking in across the hall to see if Albion was still awake as well, but I didn't quite trust myself to be around anyone yet.

What had made him go for that kiss to begin with? Albion hadn't even been able to look me in the eye for days after Alina interrupted us. He didn't initiate physical contact, and the progression to him accepting it from me had been slow and awkward. I hitched up my sweatpants--I could just barely pull the drawstring tight enough to keep them on--and laid back down on the bed. I dozed fitfully, trying not to think about Albion on the other side of that hallway, or wonder if he was running all of this through his head as thoroughly as I was.

After a while I gave up completely and slipped out of bed, changed back into my clothes, and made up the bed before leaving the pajamas Albion had given me folded at the foot of it. Ethan had gone through the trouble of straightening out the room last night, and I was sure it hadn't been that neat since the last time Susan swept through and cleaned.

Albion's door was still closed, and I could hear Ryan still snoring away behind it. I hesitated, wondering again if I should poke my head in and see if Albion was awake, but thought better of it and moved downstairs.

"Morning," Ethan said, shooting me a brief smile as he carried a load of warm, fresh bread out to the storefront. The kitchen was warm, and the smell of the bread as it baked was inviting and oddly comforting. "Bagels on the counter are still warm. Help yourself. Jam and butter are in the storeroom refrigerator."

"Thanks." I crossed the kitchen and lifted one of the bagels from the tray sitting on the counter. When they were that fresh I preferred them plain, and it was still steaming and soft when I tore it open. I leaned against the counter as I ate, immediately feeling guilty for standing around while Ethan moved quickly in and out of the kitchen, pulling trays from the ovens and sliding in the ones waiting with a speed that would have seemed rushed had everything he did not been so fluid and easy. "What would you like me to do?"

"Enjoy your breakfast," he winked at me. "It's likely going to be a slow morning. If I needed the help I'd have dragged Ryan out of bed by now." I smiled briefly, the guilt lingering until Ethan had cleared the kitchen, all but the currently baking batch of danishes and pastries stocked, and sat down to eat. "Did you manage any sleep last night?"

"A little," I lied, pulling out the chair across from him and sitting down. "I'm not used to sleeping anywhere but home." That part was true, at least. I'd spent a night or two at the Dawsons the year when mom had started getting busier with the hospital. I didn't sleep there either, for completely different reasons than what kept me awake last night.

"I'm sure your mother's worried herself sick," he smirked. "Though I hope she realizes there's enough common sense between the four of us here to keep you from trying to trek all the way out there in that storm."