SAUDADE // I loved you

-𝕮𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗 4- ✔

- 𝐈 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮 ✔-

: Chapter 4 : Perspective ~ Her :

I was ready. I started doing everything I could. My hands were ready to start. I was ready for what would happen. Everything was needed and everything would happen. For sure. And this time, I would be happy. Ecstatic even. You would be dead, forgotten and gone. This was the best type of revenge. I had always loved you, and I always would. But this time, we were playing according to my game. Not yours. Your game was a mess. A full, convinced and catastrophic mess that nobody needed to know. So now, I'm gonna be in charge. I'm gonna fight my old war with my new weapons and get ready to take on the world, and you. Especially you. I'm gonna ruin everything and everyone because there's no care enough for the world.

So I started. Small and steady. There was always the scared feeling when the news turned on to announce another murdered person. Old fears ran through my head, of him leaving me, of a break-up, of a cheat fess and now it had happened. But now, those bad memories cut loose and their chains who had once hidden my confidence will now flee like the thoughts tumbling down the abyss into hell. So I curl up every night, put down my phone and stare at the night sky and wait for the earth to end, for me to destroy it all and be the last person on earth to ever exist.

And then, I met you one more time. But this time, it was face- to face. You were there, staring at me but this time it was different. The last time I saw you, you were surrounded by others and her. With a beaming smile and the sun shining on you, you looked happy. Without me. I wanted to talk to you as well, to run up to you and have a last hug. I just wanted to say I love you and hear the same thing back. But my spirit had been destroyed and I couldn't anymore. That day, that cold breezy day, I let your voice soak in, your words, the way your eyes met mine. But this time, with no emotion. I don't feel myself drowning in your eyes, or having a desire for you. You come up to me, and start speaking. I can see your mouth moving but my brain ignores it all. I can't hear nor respond to anything you are saying. All I see is your left hand, crumpled up in a tight ball and the wind driving your hair left to right.

I don't feel anything. I don't feel love anymore. All I feel is something churning inside me. A hot ball that makes my brain trigger whenever I see you. I'm done acting like a little worker bee, buzzing here and there. Should I ever see an exit or something there, just the tiniest glimpse of freedom beyond the barriers that are blocking me, I'll let my anger drag through the little cracks and drive the wall open, with force. The hot range of my soul smolders into suppressed anger which will result in a cold and bitter taste. I scream his name. Elios. Come back. Be with me. Again.