Can't shake this funk. I feel bad about it because I'm ignoring everyone except [REDACTED]. I don't know why I've been struggling so hard with everyone but with him it comes so easy. Jessenyism is a disease and I'm patient zero. I talked to my therapist a lot about jessenyism and [REDACTED] because it's genuinely been plaguing me. My therapist says it's interesting that I'm being so passive about it. I kept saying "I'll just see what happens" and she said this was the best thing I can do. Honestly the whole [REDACTED] has me more unsettled than I can even verbalize. It's like having a casino across the street from my job. I feel so guilty even talking about him honestly. You can't tell because it seems like all I do is talk about him. I don't know why I do that. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. I haven't talked to anybody about what I've really been thinking because I'm riddled with disgust for myself. I'm going to bottle it up until it becomes undeniable. Let's not get too into it.
I've been enjoying hanging out with him so much. I don't know what it is. It's absurdly high school, but I think that's what I desperately needed. I don't want to obsessively talk about him. Actually I definitely won't. We're changing topics.
As you can tell by my last Wattpad, college has been kicking my ass. I had a meeting with my guidance counselor today and it felt like I truly have no idea what I'm doing with myself. She seemed unhappy about this. She was my guidance counselor in middle school too, so she knows that I am capable of doing good. It's embarrassing honestly. To come into her office saying "I have no idea what I want to do and I'm going to major in something I know I won't like purely because my dad told me to and I don't know what else I want" She was also asking me where I wanted to go. I said "somewhere in the upper east coast" To be honest, I'm terrified of leaving my sisters. They're all riddled with abandonment issues, and I just don't have it in me to leave them. Kennedy often has dreams where she says everyone leaves her. I spoke to [REDACTED] about it and he's the youngest of 3 and he gave me some solid advice about it. He said "you can't stay there forever. They'll appreciate you more when you come visit. Don't let them hold you back, you have your entire lives to see each other" This being said on a swing set at 9 pm at a park we went to when we were little really hit a nerve with me. I'm always going to struggle with it. It's not like I'm dying. I'll see them often. I have to keep telling myself that.
It seems like I've been reminding myself of a lot recently. I'm constantly trying to reassure myself. "It's ok that you're being distant, it happens"
"You don't have to constantly get A's, at least you're trying"
"It's not your fault"
It's kind of sad. I don't know.
It's hard to imagine myself in any of the scenarios I've created for myself anymore. That's probably the most depressing thing. I can't properly imagine the NGS or the NAWT. I'm hoping it's the funk. It has to be. Even the inner worlds I keep for just myself to day dream about has been empty. It's like scrolling through Netflix but all the shows have no episodes, and you're just trying to get by on plot summaries. They'll come back to me. I think that's why I'm so romantic. Trying to make up for my brain being empty. I just wish it was easier.
I know the gifted kid burn out thing is a dumb meme, but it's definitely real.
It's embarrassing to think about [REDACTED] finding out how much I talk about him. However I know for a fact he talks about me too.
I'm medicated again which is nice. Actually it's not nice right now, but hopefully it will be soon.
I think my music taste has been reflecting my mood. When I was up I was listening to DCHC and lots of punk. Now I'm listening to Bon Iver and soft jazz. My 5x5s are going to look ridiculous.
I need to feel loved again. I really don't right now. I feel like I'm just floating along. It's partly my fault, but it doesn't hurt any less.
I have more to say but I think I'll save it for another one of these.
I love you so much. Never forget that.
