Relevant thoughts

Violet's Obituary

When I graduated High school, I was hopefully and full of spite. One might even say I was eager to learn. Well, lets name this part of me, Violet.

Now we have gathered here to say our formal goodbye to Violet, she was gone too soon. She died an unfair death. She left an empty shell of a person behind. See, without Violet, I lost my way. The sense of purpose, the will to live, the drive to win - everything, I lost everything.

I woke up one day feeling very angry, little did I know that I was grieving her. Well at first, of course I didn't want to accept she was really gone. I hoped I'd eventually find her. Violet was a star, one could find her in any dark room for she radiated. She was bright and unmistakably beautiful. She had flaws and she had the will to correct them and better herself.

So when I realised that she was no longer, I was denial.

Then of course, I went by days in a blur trying to distract myself, but in the end the truth stared straight at me. That was the day, I woke up in fury. All Hell's flame was unleashed that day, but no one knew except for my bedroom walls and my journal.

You'd think that the anger stage would pass soon, well no. I still wake up with enough anguish to murder.  I did go through the bargaining phase, and to my disappointment, the dead never return; No matter what was offered. People say the only way is forward but I don't think it works for grief. I went back and forth with my emotions and it was very exhausting.

With the back and forth of the stages, I'd like to also share that I had successfully unlocked another stage - DEPRESSION. Now imagine a 19-year old, grieving her young self( Violet), that has anger issues and is depressed and gay.

A closeted angry, bipolar, depressed, grieving teen.

Acceptance never came, I still grieve you, Violet. You were too good. You were spectacular actually, losing you ripped apart my heart, and don't lecture me that heart is a muscle, impossible to feel inflicted pain. I'll drive a dagger into your heart to prove my point here.

So Violet, before we part ways, just know that this obituary was written and rewritten, edited tirelessly cause you were worth it. Maybe there is a speck of hope left in me.

I think you should know that Violet put up a fight before dying. She really did, she was gentle but brave, young yet wise, she was what made me human when she left, I blamed myself for not being strong enough to protect her. So I think there might be a slight chance she may return, and when she does, No one can hurt her, I would have built an arsenal to protect her. The ability to see into the future is possible because I think Violet was scared into a very deep hole in me. Right now, it is as if there is no return but there is also another voice in me that says that if I make it through today, i might meet her tomorrow. And i listen to this voice but I am still not strong enough to protect her and I fear one day I might wake up absolutely dead inside that I may not look both sides when crossing the road or even take the leap to end this barren life.

As for now I walk with a tombstone in me, Violet meant a lot and she should know that the little notes she left behind keep me going. And I am writing this just in case I never find her and completely lose her. The person I may become scares me, without Violet, all dead and twisted. Then that dead person could at least get a glimpse of Violet here.

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for your patience, I know the speech has taken a lot of your time. The time spent here is truly appreciated by us.