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Reviewer: PeterPan2210 Reviewee: Ashpoint Story reviewed: Return Of The Past _ _ _ Overall comments The chapters which I read were well-written, the mystery was good. Not overtly stifling, nor overtly revealing. Just the right balance and that’s what I loved most. _ _ _
Cover: 7.5/10 The font and all is great but I don’t know why it just doesn’t fit the title. Return of the past. It has past right? So something related to time? Like a clock? A huge golden antique wall clock. Dark themes in colors of red, black, purple, silver, gold. A face claim with blurred images of people all around which would signify a really cool interpretation of the title. Just a suggestion. I didn’t like the cover quite as much.
Title: 9.5/10 It is accurate and interesting but it’s very revealing. I know that it’s going to be someone from her past that’s going to play a main role in the haunting. Maybe something not as direct. Regardless, what you have now is good too.
Description 10/10 I liked it a lot.
Basic plot: 7/10 I liked this part too although I can’t see the plot very clearly.
So what the aunt died? I mean that sounds like a dead end (pun intended). Had you kept this stalker game up, you could’ve taken a better course of action. Something where the brother is now vengeful and is like stalking his sister, that would’ve made for a compelling plot. Because ultimately it could’ve been sibling versus sibling and that’s always refreshing to read.
I really can’t see how you’ll carry the plot forward especially in a mystery genre. The only way you can hope to carry the plot forward is in drama tbh. Maybe it’s my lack of foresight but I really think that you’re at an awkward dead end right now. You’ve closed all the ends that could lead to mystery, so to speak.
Or if you’re going to show Aunt Rena who’s supposed to be dead but then turns out she isn’t really dead and Yada Yada planning scheming stuff, that again is a way to carry your plot forward.
But if you’re going to bring in a new Villain, that would really be awkward again because in that case, the past events in the story would become meaningless.
Content: 7/10 Everything you’ve written until now is great. The ambiguity necessary to build up mystery is present, the lingo you’ve used is pretty great.
But there are a few problems. For some reason, it was almost boring for me.
When you’re writing a book in xyz genre that’s not Mystery or horror, you may use straightforward descriptions. But when writing Mystery and Horror, it’s a necessity that you use intense descriptions. You need to put emphasis on certain words, certain sentences. You need to make sure that your passage highlights how fast a person is breathing or how sweaty their hands are or other sensory, visual perceptions, olfactory perceptions.
While doing that, it’s not necessary to use heavy vocab, in fact I suggest making your scenes descriptive without heavy vocab. But you need to make your scenes graphic so they leave an impact. That’s the only thing I’ve taken 3 points off for.
Pace + Sequence: 9.5/10 Lovely pace but as for Sequence, as I said your story seems to be stuck at a dead end rn.
Grammar + Punctuation + Tense: 9.8/10 Nearly none. Good Job.
Structuring/Tone + Voice 9/10 The structuring is fine but the tone is boring.
Originality: 10/10 Sounds original enough.
Reader enjoyment 7/10
Overall score: 86.3/100
Good Job.
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I apologize for being late. It's because I have some major examinations going on.
