Broken Souls ✔️

Ch. 20 We Want To Help You

(Y/N)'s P.O.V.
It's not getting easier seeing Crosshairs and Drift daily. I don't know what I'm going to do. This is going to be hard for a very long time.  The feeling everything Crosshairs and my bring to feed me were Jamie's favorites doesn't help. Drift trying to comfort me as I cry from the guilt doesn't help. I should be telling him to leave, but I also want him to stay.  
"Hey, hey, it's ok," he says as he hugs me.
"No, I killed the one you love," I sob, "It should have been me."
"What good would that be?" Crosshairs asks.
Drift hugs me closer to him as I cry until I start coughing.  The two mechs have me drink water before laying down. Drift lays with me as I continue to cry.

Crosshairs' P.O.V.
I text Optimus what (Y/N) told us though we all suspected this is what she's been thinking. He walks into the room soon after (Y/N) is asleep.
"She'll feel guilt for a while. All we can do is keep her safe and comfort her," he sighs.
I'm glad Ratchet is holding off removing the feeding tube. I worry she's going to refuse to eat again though she doesn't eat much as it is.

With (Y/N) asleep, I have Drift go back to his room. We both fear Prime will feel the pain we feel, but I know it's worse for Drift.
"This is not good," he panics.
I can't say anything. I said we'd keep Jamie safe, and look what happened. I hug him as he cries.  I know it's the fear we won't be able to keep (Y/N) safe, and Optimus will feel the pain he feels. I also have to worry about how much this is affecting Drift.
Drift ends up falling asleep. I have Ironhide stay with him.

Ironhide's P.O.V.
I would love to take some of their pain away. It hurts knowing we couldn't help Jamie. To show her how much we all loved her, but I know it's not as bad as what Crosshairs and Drift are feeling.  I know Ratchet worries about them. It's hard to know what to do to help them. Even Cade isn't sure how we can help them. Is letting them be with (Y/N) right even if they want to help her?  There's not much the rest of us can do to help the three of them. 

Optimus Prime's P.O.V.
On the day that marks two weeks after Jamie's death, we finally have a memorial. Even with the time that's passed, everyone struggles to get through their speeches.
(Y/N) refuses to do one, and Drift couldn't finish his.

It's afterward that's concerning; the two went to their rooms and didn't want to be bothered.
Thankfully they didn't lock the door to their rooms, and we can check on them. Cade checked the weapons room we built when (Y/N) became severely depressed; the lock was not tampered with. 

I'm happy Drift let Crosshairs into his room by the time I returned to the house. Even if I was only across the property looking at the lock, this task took ten minutes. This is a good sign. 

"GO AWAY!" (Y/N) yells as I knock on the door.
She refuses to let me in, but I can pick the lock. I  see her laying on her bed, looking through my phone.  Before I can say anything, Crosshairs and Drift walk in.  (Y/N) is my girlfriend, but I think having the two who were Jamie's guardians talk to her is better right now.
"(Y/N), you can't keep blaming yourself for what happened," Drift starts.
I feel like I better leave.

(Y/N)'s P.O.V.
"Because....she was already struggling mentally....," Drift doesn't finish, but I know what he was going to say — even if Crosshairs didn't tell me already.
"It's not entirely your fault. You can't keep blaming yourself. It's not going to bring her back. It's hurting you.," Crosshairs adds.
Drift moves me onto his lap. Obviously, having practice moving someone who's lying down to his lap. He hugs me as I cry.   Crosshairs joins in the hug. It's so hard knowing everything they're doing; they've done with Jamie.   I don't know what to do. I can't take the pain. I know what Crosshairs and Drift are doing; they've done with Jamie, and I feel a little better, but I killed her. I should be dead, but then Optimus would feel the pain these two are feeling. I fear they'd feel they failed to help me. I don't think the pain will go away, as people claim.
"We will help you," Drift says.

Drift's P.O.V.
I don't know if I'll ever stop feeling this pain or (Y/N) will ever stop feeling guilt. I know I don't make sense when I say I want to help her, even though her actions caused Jamie to end her life. I don't know if it's because I dealt with Jamie's mental struggles or knowing the pain Prine will feel if (Y/N) ends her life, but I feel like I have to help her rather than be livid at her.