i hate your words and you (Tommy Angst)

we don't notice anything

tw / cw for big men, big women, and buff everything in between.

self degrading thoughts
5u1c1d3 mentions
suggestive 0v3rd0s3 mentions
also mentions of other 5u1c1d3 methods
s3lF h4RM mentions

yes this is streamer tommy but does not actually represent him irl!!!
it is just a sort of character of him, i'm now projecting onto!
 ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////












Tommy flops onto his side, on top of the bed sheets below him.


He takes a deep breath. His computer next to him.

Usually you are told to NOT listen to sad music while in a depressive state, but that's not the case for Tommy. The tired boy has his spotify plugged right into his headphones and he doesn't listen to the obvious advice that comes before him. He dips himself into the murky and toxic water without a care in the world, 
and he doesn't care.

He knows he's stupid. So he shouldn't get any pity. Not any help at all. Any affection or love he's craved. It's his fault. He brings him on himself. The people who hate him are his doing.
It's his fault for teasing and egging them on, and he knows this. That's why it hurts so bad.

He feels ... he doesn't know. He can't identify it.

He doesn't feel the most horrible, although he's not content. He's just there. He wants to cry. He wants to bleed. He deserves it. Stupid. What an annoying attention seeker. He's so typical. 

He knows his friends go through much worse. They've gone through much worse. They've got over it well. So why can't he? Why can't he stop being a dramatic teen?

//
Maybe.. he could kill himself? He wasn't sure. He wanted to. He's thought about it for so long. Maybe years even he's thought about it. He scratches his arm. 


Everytime that the dull boy thought of killing himself, he thought of a plan or two. Yet he never carried it out. He's a coward. He's a loser and a selfish brat. Why couldn't he do it? Why couldn't he just kill himself right here and right now? He doesn't even have the supplies right now but he could easily grab some fuckin pills. He'll die right here, sad and lonely on his bed. 

His grave is one swallow away.

He turns over and goes to his computer. Would his friends even care if he died? If he was found dead a day later? If he was found and proclaimed as a suicide victim? Sometimes it didn't seem like it. But deep down, a sick voice wanted them to. Just to know that they fucking cared sometimes, and he knew they did take care of him. He's selfish. They wouldn't care. They'd move on in a day or two.

Sadly, he knows he can't watch his friends grow up and move on without him as a spectator.. it'd hurt but it was better than not feeling the warmth of their voice for the last time.

He has two best friends, who he thinks would give the world to him. He edges for the reality. It hits him. They wouldn't care, no matter how much they cared about him. They would move on without him.

They would get ugly little children, who'd they care for and then they'd die. He wouldn't be remembered after that.

Just a smudge in reality. Nothing but a memory that can only be held in a brain, and not warm loving arms. And not the laughs they embraced themselves in.

He goes over to his discord messages, he clicks on one of his bestest friends, Tubbo. Also known as Toby. He convinces himself. He's trying. They don't care about him. It's all fake. The hearts and funny messages melted into twisted realization. They were nothing , lies. They used him for content, they didn't care. They just wanted a quick laugh. No one cares. He's trying to convince himself, if it would make his death easier.

Perhaps no one would care if his chair was an empty seat, permanently.

He scrolled past his messages, convincing himself everyone was a liar. They weren't bad people, it was what he deserved. Pain, hatred, lies, and misinformation. Nothing they said was true. It's all in the past.

No one would even care if he ran a blade through his skin, he just needed to die immediately. No hassle. 

he knew he wasn't going to, it was a wish that stretched on. He wanted to prove himself wrong. but something was missing.

He clicked onto Wilburs messages, looking down at himself through the texts.

Pathetic. 

----------------
TommyInnit!? yesterday at 4:26 pm
 hey it's raccoon boy
do you wanna call? 
and uhm
play minecraft lol
----------------------

He was only an attention seeker. He cringed at his messages begging for attention. Constantly. Always asking Wilbur if he wanted to chat, pathetic worthless useless. A whole lot of words could describe it. 

It was no doubt. He was annoying.

No one cared. It was lies lies lies lies lies.
Neatly stacked up on the plate for him to consume, and he didn't pull back. No one cared.
And he knew for sure he didn't either. TommyInnit meant nothing. He should kill himself.

He wondered what would happened if he messaged his two little fucking content receiver best friends if he asked

''New message from tommyy, what would happened if I overdosed? ''
What would happened if I jumped? What would happened if I drowned myself in cold water?
He knew it was morally wrong. He's such a bad guy. He's the scum of the earth. He feels terrible.

He hovered his mouse over the call button.

click

Ring ring ring,,

He shortly exited the call. He doesn't deserve him.

----------------
WilburSoot today at 10:25pm
?
What's up, why'd you call?

----------------
He hesitated,
does he need...? 
He's gonna fucking cry.
---------------
TommyInnit today at 10:26pm
I need someone to
talk to crime king!

WilburSoot today at 10:26pm
sorry tommy
can't  !  busy crime boy alert  !
I'll call you tomorrow if you'd like

--------------

He's ashamed. He doesn't need help. Why would he think that in the first place? Fuck him. Fuck his hope. Fuck the little blonde boy who needs attention so much. He's naive and filthy. He doesn't deserve anything at all.

They would all move on.

He hates his words and himself. He's trying to grip onto something out of his reach. He'll kill himself he swears. He'll fucking slit his throat. Maybe his body will be basking in the light of his computer screen right now. He'll die. Please die. Please die. I want to die.

I know I want to die. I know I want to be free of this body. This goddamned filthy body. Kill me right now please.



And I know I won't do it myself, because I can't.

/////////////////////////////////////////