The (mostly) True Story of How I Saved Thanksgiving

Turkeynator 3000

Hello dear reader, and welcome to another year of turkey awesomeness. This is one of my favorite times of the year. This year I'm so pumped to have my delicious turkey and homemade can-shaped cranberry sauce. Covid isn't going to ruin this year's festivities! I'm shooting for this year's Thanksgiving dinner to be the best one yet! No Bigfoot, space pigs, zombie turkeys, demon turkeys, or ninja turkeys. None!

I shooed my wife and kids out the door early so that I could spend the day preparing for the fantastic dinner. They were all sad they would not witness a true connoisseur at work, but they were all excited for the smorgasbord of food we were to partake in. They were so excited that they were all up early and ready to leave. I didn't even have to ask them to get ready or to leave! It was amazing. Even my wife was eager to get out of the house and let me do my extraordinary work in the kitchen. Her parting words were, "Don't burn the house down." That kidder. As they were getting into the car, I heard my daughter say, "This is going to be a disaster." I felt terrible for them because they would feel that way, having to leave. They miss out on all the fun.

I bought everything early this year (due to shortages). I checked off my list, twenty-pound turkey - check, stuffing - check, cranberry sauce in a can - check, gravy - check, rolls - check, katana to kill Nina turkeys - check, warhammer for the turkey monster - check, a wooden stake for the demon - check, my sharpened kung fu skills for the zombie turkey - check, and after-dinner mints. I was ready to go!

Preheat the oven to five hundred degrees. This will both thaw and cook that fifty-pound delicious poultry to a golden brown. Yum! Next up, I got my warhammer; ok, it's a regular hammer, but used for WAR! I walked around the house looking for the monster; the coward didn't appear this year. I thought I had heard a moan, but it was Bandit, my dog. Poor thing hid under the couch when I jumped into the living room waving my mighty warhammer and yelled a terrifying war cry, "HiYa!"

Let's see what's next. Bread! Yes, rolls. I got them out of the package; I mean, I ground the grain with my thing that grinds grain. It was grounded more than my oldest son. I packed the dough like a mobster at a big score. The rolls were ready to go. I didn't really want to wait for them to cook while the turkey was baking, so I sat them on top of the stove. It was hot enough to cook the rolls, I'm sure. It was pretty hot in the kitchen. I grabbed my toothpick, I mean, wooden stake, and looked around to see if the demon turkey had appeared; nope, coward!

I poured the gravy into the saucepan; I mean, I made the gravy with my gravy-making skills. With, um, gravy ingredients, yes, really. Only the finest from the gravy-us delicious-us plant-us (I'm pretty sure that's Latin for the gravy plant). Hmmm, gravy!

Stuffing! Can't have a feast without stuffing. I'm out of ideas; it came from a box. Even I have limits on my vast culinary knowledge. I've got no idea what stuffing is, but I know I love it! I checked the ingredients on the box, it said stuffing. I'm good with that, 100% stuffing, only the best for my family.

Now the most important thing. The cranberry sauce. This is the most guarded secret in my family, our famous cranberry sauce shaped like a can. I opened the can and poured out the sauce; I mean, I squashed those cranberries like I squash the souls of my enemies. Wait, the zombie turkey could be lurking. I struck a perfect kung fu stance, ready to pounce. No, zombie turkey, I knew he would be hiding this year.

Everything was ready. It merely needed time to cook. I took a break to play my new favorite game, Turkeynator 3000! You kill robotic turkeys. I'm the highest score holder of all time. No one can beat my super high score. The kids are too turkey (get it) to play it! I even got the turkey killer achievement, one hundred turkeys killed. Bang! Bang! I was clearing the metal fouls left and right when there was a loud explosion. This game was so realistic! I could even see a robotic turkey in my kitchen. Wait...

"You have killed your last turkey, human." The robotic voice of the Turkey 3000 said as it raised its metal arm to shoot its laser beam at me. I easily dodged the beam. This guy was a featherweight (get it) compared to the other turkey minions I've conquered. This was going to be too easy.

"To me, my fierce beast!" I yelled for Bandit. The turkey (the dog, not the robot) wouldn't come out from under the couch. "Fine, I'll fend off this foul fiendish fowl from the future!" (I'm so sorry for that, dear reader, please forgive me). I charged at the mechanical monstrosity giving my best kung fu war cry.

The Turkeynator 3000 was shocked that I would charge directly at it. It gripped the floor with its titanium tipped toes, ready for my attack. At the last moment, I feigned to the left and dove for my battle trident. Tridents look like a fork, so a fork is a trident. I swung my trident of terror at the mechanical menace striking it hard on its left wing. This knocked the fiend off balance. I dove for the kill.

But it was ready for me. It hit me with its metallic right-wing knocking me back. We circled each other in the kitchen. This was going to be the greatest battle of the century (or since last Thanksgiving). I tossed the trident from hand to hand, giving the turkey my best warrior stare. Its ruby red glowing eyes glared fiercely back at me, chilling me to the wishbone.

"Hiya!" I yelled as I stepped forward, stabbing the Turkeynator 3000 in the turkey breast. I did it! I killed that thing, but no. It looked at me and laughed.

"Ha, ha, ha, ha. You can not kill Turkeynator 3000 that easily. All your rolls will belong to us." It chirped in its awful mechanical voice.

"Bread, you say!" I shouted, grabbing the rolls from the hot oven. They weren't as done as I wanted them, like not even close. Maybe, I should have put them inside the oven. I started to throw roll after roll at the monster.

"Bah, this does nothing." The creepy voice taunted me. "We are immune to bread attacks. Our armor is too great for such measly projectiles."

Measly! I was offended! The monster jumped forward and pecked me. Ouch, that hurt. I smacked the metalhead, but it only hurt my hand. The monster turned around and hit me with its razor tail feathers. Ouch and ouch. This was not going well for me. I was going to lose this year!

The fight had me winded, and I coughed with fatigue. The creature recoiled back from its final attack.

"Covid!" It shouted.

"I don't have the vid. It's just allergies." I shouted back.

The monster paused then started to stalk forward towards me. This was going to be the final blow and my last Thanksgiving. In a desperate attempt to win, I grabbed the closest thing to me, the gravy. I had intended to bonk the turkey on the head with the pan but ended up spilling all that wonderful gravy all over it. The thing twitched.

"No, you have found one of my weaknesses. Gravy!" The voice crackled.

Yes! Then it hit me. I needed to cook its goose (well, turkey in this case). I opened the hot oven wide. The creature backed up from the heat. I jumped high over the turkey doing an extraordinary six-quarter summersault showing off my finest kung fu skills landing behind the monster. I kicked it hard with my best Bruce Lee war cry. The mechanical monster flew forward into the oven with my seventy-five-pound turkey. I slammed the oven door closed. The mechanical screeching from the dying monster was deafening.

I staggered back into the living room and collapsed onto the couch. My controller just so happened to land in my lap. On the screen was my awesomeness badge and one reward. One full thanksgiving dinner. I pushed the button, and a loud bang came from the dining room. The table was completely set with all the fixings. Even can-shaped cranberry sauce.

My kids stared at me in pure awe of my manly awesomeness. Finally, after several minutes of basking in my glory, they all said at once, "Bullshit, dad, you can't cook!"

My wife came in and said, "Wow, the catering service did a great job this year!"

Happy Thanksgiving!