If The whole World Was Watching (hyunlix) ~Ing Version

With Love

I always thought about what would be, what is, Love. A sensation, a feeling, a truth? I didn't knew what I was looking for until I found it. He was what I found. The blond hair, the rosy mouth, the honey-colored eyes, the blushed cheeks, the freckles looking like constellations, the sweat running down his neck, his hair flying with the wind, the blood running through his veins. I always paid attention to the details. Lucky me. It would've been worse if I didn't.

The heavier side of love? I found out. Not long ago. His love was heavy, too much for him, too much for my boy to carry. Until he thought that the weight was too much for him and decided that it had to be too much for the both of them.

The sickest side? This came as a courtesy. He was sick enough to decide for him, cry for him, run for him, hit someone for him, hit him, run after him, make him cry, and don't decide by himself.

The most painful? The pain of not having him with me. The pain of not feeling the scent of chocolate and vanilla from his hair, not feeling his body next to mine, not seeing him dressing up behind me from the mirror, not feeling his arms around my waist, not feeling that little hands with mine. It hurts. It hurts so much. Much more that I thought it would. Not that I was ready, but of all the thousand possibilities I thought of when I fell in love with him this was not among them. Not least because it is impossible not to fall in love with Lix.

What made me happier? He did. He made me happy. More than I was in my whole life. His arms around my neck while we slow danced made me happy. His pure and contagious smile during the morning made me happy. His voice when he sang out loud without even noticing made me happy. Our endless rides on the roller coasters made me happy. Baking brownies on Saturday at 2am made me happy. Having Sunday afternoon tea on the veranda made me happy. Watching the sunset drinking hot chocolate on the rooftop made me happy.

Which would you make sacrifices for? He knew I had social anxiety, but even if the whole world was watching I would dance with him. I would drive down roads and lanes just to be there with him. Everything came back to him.

The more sensitive side? I found him. A pen in his right hand. Something written in his left arm. A knife in his heart. And the only thing that said was what we felt. I Love You. The sensitive side was seeing him there. Dead. Cold. And there was nothing I could do. He killed the love of my life, and he isn't coming back. He is not coming back.

That's what scars me. What cost me. I let him become my life. The reason I woke up every morning. The reason for every single one of my heartbeats. And the worst part: I don't regret it one bit. He deserved so much more that I could give him, but he chose me and chose to stay with me in every anxiety crisis, every horror movie, every cold night cuddling under the blankets. He stayed. By my side. And the least I can do is to be by his side.

You all know who did this.

I'm not going to apologise. He deserves a life for his. And who's better then the one he saved so uselessly?

Thank you Lee Felix, the love of my life for making me the happiest person in the world even if it wasn't for long. Thank you for making me smile when all I wanted was to cry and disappear. Thank you for baking all of that brownies, being in all of my dance competitions and saying I was the best even when I lost. But I think, in the end, I was a winner. Just having you in my arms made it all worth it. We will find each other, my love, I promise. With all my love, yours forever, Hyunjin.

Ps: I never thanked you MinHo for taking me to that party. Thank you so much for everything. I hope you and Jisung will be ok, and remember us as the couple who loved each other and you guys. MinHo it's okay, is not your fault, you were the best brother my Lixie could've asked for and the best friend i could have. Enjoy all the parties for us.

Chan continue taking care of them like you always did. You were the dad I never had and saved me from my head in the worst moments. Talk to Bin about your feelings already, life is too short, be happy for us.

Bin, let go of being such an ass hole and open your heart, let yourself be a little vulnerable. Life is not just music and parties.

Don't remember us of how we left but remember us like the lovey-dovey couple, the candy couple, the dance couple, the "soulmates" as my Lixie liked to say.

Remember us with love, because that's how we're leaving, with love.

Always with you guys, no matter where, Jinnie.