Alive in Here | Bucky Barnes x Reader

Chapter 1

It took a long time, but with the team's help Bucky managed to ease back into society, and into a form of service that suited him. Something he could do to reach a sort of peace with himself, to come back to the society he'd left for so long and no longer even recognised... And, more privately, to have something to do to keep his mind occupied. The therapy wasn't helping much, not that he could admit to that in so many words.

"It's going to take time," said Steve with brotherly sympathy. His hand rested heavily on Bucky's shoulder as they huddled around a table at the diner near Avengers tower, but his friend found it hard to look up at him.

"Yeah, I know."

"The doc knows what she's doing."

"Sure."

"Just trust the process. Trust yourself."

"Thanks a lot, Stevie."

He didn't like being blue like that. Caught between wanting to accept Steve's help and wanting to be honest, there wasn't much left for Bucky to say. He didn't believe a word his friend told him, didn't think Steve had any idea what it was like, but he had to trust him. There was no open avenue other than going rogue — and that wasn't a viable option.

"Sometimes, I think..." he started, and stopped, and laughed a bit sombrely, "I think the missions help a whole lot more than the shrink."

"Well, that's good," grinned Steve. "New assignment's coming up."

They raided an old base up in the Alps, a WWII relic that was too far up for the authorities to reach and make into a museum, and, thinking themselves forgotten by the world, some paramilitary bent on settling old scores had taken over. They had their scientists working on explosives, which made it easy to blow the whole thing up in one night. It was almost like old times.

"You got all of them?" asked Tony through their earpiece.

"Looks like it," sighed Steve, squinting at the ruin burning bright.

"Alright then, come back home. Unless you wanna do some sightseeing first."

"Nope. Seen enough the first time 'round."

Bucky stood by his side, gripping the rifle slung around his shoulder, unmoving against the chilling winds and the inferno in front of him. Something bothered him about that mission, it bothered him all the way back home, at the tower, at his mandated therapist, and into his lonely home.

Sleeping on the cold hard floor made it easier somehow, but it didn't help to remember why he was brought so low in the first place. Why he couldn't be like normal people anymore. Why he felt like a mangy dog every time he laid down, tired and restless, and curled up beneath threadbare sheets.

Wrapping up after the mission proved more challenging than actually doing it. He and Steve were stuck writing up reports about it for days afterwards, going through the files they salvaged, the recordings they recovered, keeping an account of all men killed... His mind wasn't up for it, and Bucky ended up taking walks around the tower every now and then, thinking and not thinking, letting his mind rest. The city pulsed around him, busier and noisier and uglier than he remembered, gripped by some sports event that week and filled with drunken youngsters with silly hats and long balloons, bonking each other in the head as they walked past. Against the shapeless sounds, Bucky let himself become lost as he walked circles around the building while the autumn sunset grew chiller all around him.

When he finally decided to head back up, it must have been around 8 in the evening. Even the receptionist at Stark Tower had gone home, but there were a few people outside, smoking, and there was light in the lobby. He stepped through, head down and hands in his pockets as he usually did, wary of being spotted, as if instinctively ashamed. An odd scent of rubber and alcohol hit him almost as soon as he went through the revolving doors. Looking up, Bucky saw one of the workers waiting by the elevator, and next to her one of those kids with a huge rubber hat in some team colours, balloon in one hand and red cup in the other — 'kid' he thought; the guy must've been in his 30s. He was trying to talk to her, but the office girl was focused on the metal doors in front.