To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

1992

Luke eagerly walked through the door to Alex's bedroom, his guitar looped over his back like the extension of his being that it had become.

"Boys, I think I've just found our next anthem!"

"Luke, you said you'd be here like an hour ago," Reggie pointed out from where he was sprawled on the floor, his History textbook open in front of him. "Alex is making me study."

"You said you couldn't afford to flunk this test," Alex said, briefly looking up from the comic he was reading.

"I know," Reggie whined, "but it's just so boring, and this is a sleepover, there shouldn't be any studying at a sleepover!"

"Sorry buddy," Luke said to him, "I got caught up writing."

"Can we at least hear the song?" Reggie asked, rolling onto his back and staring up at Luke.

"Not yet, I wanna finish it first."

Reggie sighed and rolled back over, trying to focus back on his textbook.

Luke swung his guitar strap over his head and set the guitar down against Alex's dresser before slumping down onto the bed.

"X-Men?" he asked, nodding to the comic in Alex's hands.

"Yeah."

"Wanna tell me about it?"

Alex gave him a small, thankful smile. "I've actually already told you about this one, it's an old issue, I'm just re-reading it, but..." he hesitated, slowly closing the comic, "there is actually another one that I want to show you, if that's cool?"

"Sure, bro, go ahead!"

"Reg, do you wanna—"

"Yes, yes, absolutely," Reggie said, flinging his textbook shut, "anything to stop reading about presidents."

Alex shuffled into the middle of his bed so Luke and Reggie could squeeze on either side of him. He rifled through the stack of comics in front of him until he found the one he was looking for.

"So I've been reading this series of comics about a Canadian superhero team called Alpha Flight — they're pretty cool — this is one of the latest issues."

He opened the comic and started talking Luke and Reggie through the team and what was going on, each of them chipping in with comments every now and again. When he'd first started talking to Reggie about comics, he'd gotten so excited that it took Alex an hour just to get through one comic, but they'd fallen into a better rhythm now. Though Luke was just as talkative so when both of them were there, it still took a while. Usually he didn't mind, he loved that Luke and Reggie allowed him to talk about this stuff, but Alex didn't want it to take forever this time, he was nervous enough as it was.

He tried to regulate his breathing as they talked, but the closer they got to the page he'd been thinking about for the last week, the harder it became for him to keep his anxiety symptoms under control. His hands were shaking as he turned the page but he hoped Reggie and Luke wouldn't notice. He didn't want to have to explain to them why he was anxious before he'd gotten to this page, that wasn't the plan.

"So um, I thought...I thought this was a cool page," Alex explained as he smoothed his hand over the page. He'd never seen any character ever say something like this before and it had given him such a sense of joy and recognition when he first read it.

"Yeah, I like Northstar, he seems cool," Luke said.

"Yeah!" Reggie agreed.

"You think he's a good guy?" Alex asked hesitantly.

"Well duh, he's a superhero," Luke laughed.

"Yeah, but like, you still like him, even after...even after this page?"

"Yeah...?" Reggie said, confused.

Alex let out a shuddering breath. "Oh, okay, that's...that's good, because, um, I'm...I'm like him..."

"You can fly?" Reggie exclaimed, his eyes going wide.

Luke reached round behind Alex to swat Reggie round the head. "He means he's gay you dork."

"Oh," Reggie said, rubbing the back of his head, "oh."

"Yeah," Alex whispered. He started down at the comic, unable to bring himself to look at his friends. "I—I'm gay."

"Okay," Reggie said matter-of-factly.

"O—okay?"

"Yeah, dude," Luke said, "it's cool."

"It is?"

Luke placed his hand on Alex's arm and Alex finally looked up at him. "Alex, it's okay."

Alex felt his breath catch in his throat, threatening tears.

"Yeah," Reggie wrapped his arm around Alex and rested his head on his shoulder in a sideways hug, "you're our best friend and we love you no matter what."

Alex sniffed and quickly rubbed away the tears that were now rolling down his face and onto the comic in his lap.

Alex leaned his head against Reggie's, his anxiety calming as he sank into the comfort. "Thanks guys."

Luke joined the hug. "Thanks for telling us."

"We're proud of you," Reggie added.

Later that night, Alex lay on his bed, staring up at the ceiling and wondering what he'd done to deserve such amazing friends, when Luke's voice cut through the silence.

"Hey, Alex?"

"Yeah?"

"Have you told anyone else?"

"No, just you guys. I...I've known for a while but I wasn't ready to tell anyone, and then I read that comic and it gave me the courage to tell you. I'm not...I'm not ready to tell anyone else though."

"That's okay," Reggie's voice came from the other side of the room. "I'm glad you told us."

"Yeah, me too."

"Hey, Alex?" Luke repeated.

"Yeah?"

"You know we've always got your back, right?"

Alex smiled into the darkness. "I know."