a letter for the moment when i will leave the world

a feeling of sadness

    It all started when my parents divorced. I felt sad for a long time even though I didn't show it. Even though I was little, I knew what that meant.
    After that, my grandmother died. It was horrible. I wasn't recovering, but the problem is that i wasnnt recovering after a long time. Only after one year i get rid of those thoughts.
    After that, the communication problems with almost everyone started. I couldn't actually talk to anyone without an argument.
    I started liking a boy. I had about 3 relationships before, but none longer than two weeks. So this boy was using me for attention. He just wanted my attention and that's about it. I had a hard time overcoming this. Then I started liking another boy who didn't even notice me. He left me for another girl and some time ago he told me he regretted it. I don't like him anymore and I still didn't want to be bad, but I told him directly that I also regret that I liked him but I couldn't control that and i am sorry.
    I didn't feel good emotionally about all this and other things that made me have panic attacks, sleep problems and thoughts about suicide.