Plan A01

November.

Disclaimer: This story is only a rough draft in which I re-read none of, so it is not my best work by any means but more of a practice and a foundation of a story for myself to read and revise. Read with caution :D

Plan A01
November 1st, 2014
My name is Alice. Wow, okay that's a terrible way to start off this book. Book... novel... journal? I'm not really sure what I'll call this. "A web of thoughts"- I think that sounds fancy enough but to put it simply, I need an outlet for my energy. I've always found that writing things down is such a gratifying experience. Humans thrive to be heard, but I thrive to be understood. My mom used to call me snow because I was born with pure white hair. The nickname has stuck between us since.
Today I learned how bad humans want to be heard when a fifty something year old man at a football game wouldn't stop screaming in my ear. They are still ringing.
"INCOMPLETE, INCOMPLETE," he screamed over and over in case for some reason that no one else would be watching the game.
I guess that leads me to another point. Why are people so obnoxious? I just sound like I'm complaining to you- I'm not. I want you to open up. I want you to see how I can see. I often find myself analyzing people to such a degree that it maybe cross being normal. Well, I have never been exactly normal myself. I exceed in the art of going off into tangents. It can get hard to keep all your thoughts straight when they are coming at you like a semi truck.
Okay, back to people being obnoxious. I feel like thats the wrong word, its too harsh. People need to learn that being quiet doesn't correlate with being weak; being loud doesn't prove your strength. Heck, just look at Napoleon, he was five foot nothing but a dictator of a country, that is probably a bad example.
People are intolerable, or objectionable because they obviously lack a certain type of energy and have to replace it with this artificial strength they bring upon themselves. I was never exactly the "cool kid" in school. I enjoyed looking at people's colors and trying to put reason to their actions. I remember one time in second grade a boy was pushing around this little girl and making fun of her because she had orange hair. That was the first time I remember seeing the colors (as I used to call them). The boys colors swirled around angrily turning from shades of red to dark purple hurling towards the little girl. Her colors were a dull yellow flowing in the direction of the boy. She kept getting weaker and weaker, I could feel it. I learned as I got older that these "colors" were not just colors, they were auras and the energies coming off of these human. My mom hated when I would bring this up with her.
I think what we need a lesson on is not the question to why people are like this but more of how to deal with them. As much as I want to change the world and make everything perfect and pure- I just can't. I've learned to accept the reality of situations. People want reactions. They want fuel for their fire. Often times resisting the urge to lash back at people lets people realize their ego is the one doing the talking and not their true selves. Silence can hurt just as bad as words could, only it has more depth. The best thing to do in a situation when you feel like people are so utterly stupid and its getting hard to handle is to breathe. Take in a big breathe, and let it out slowly gaining a sense of balance and state of calmness back into you once again. You gain true strength when you have control over yourself, not others. The disrespect that the person may be showing has a deeper meaning that doesn't have to do with you personally. You just have to understand and believe that. Some people are not worth your time or energy. As you become more and more emotionally balanced, the more likelihood of the chance that people will stay away and won't mess with you. Lastly in these types of situations, think broadly. Think bigger, think towards the future not the present so much. This little thing probably won't matter in a day or so. Is it really that terrible that you will be affected by it in the future? Probably not. This is a good indicator not to fight back and fuel things even more. You have power. Do not give it away.
Disconnect. I've noticed sometimes as I walk through the halls I feel disconnected with the rest of the world. You know in the movies when theres a really dramatic scene, and time slows down and everything begins to focus- that's what I've been feeling. I don't know if it's necessarily bad. I'm kind of coming to the realization of more things because of it. Like how people are all on their own little paths and how people are so drastically different from each other.
What makes people the way they are? I feel like some people are just born with certain traits. I'm not talking about physical traits, I'm saying traits of personality, morals, what interests them, you know? People can seem so wrapped up with themselves and with things that don't actually matter. It kind of bothers me. It actually bothers me alot. I don't like looking at myself above other people or looking at myself as being more mature, but sometimes I look at the things people do and I can't comprehend it. To put it blatantly- how can people be so stupid and artificial sometimes? I can't stand it, even though I have to tolerate it. What's that thing in the bible that says not to be mad at man for they not know or something like that? I should just be more accepting of people and the way they live their lives, because honestly its none of my business. I just want people to start living to their full potential and I think its sad when people get so off track and caught up with things that they'll eventually realize don't matter. I think some people just need more time to lead up to this realization. People need time to experience more things to come to this realization. We all grow at our own pace, and we all learn at our own pace. You can only help people so much. Thats a really big lesson I've learned the past year.
I used to strive to make sure everyone else was okay, and ended up falling back on myself. Thats another big lesson I've learned. It's okay to think about yourself sometimes. We need to abolish the idea that being conceited and loving yourself are the same things. Take a step back from your life and try to have a more objective opinion on things. Make sure you don't let yourself be everyone else's life support, if no one will be there for you. Helping people in general is just human nature, but helping yourself is something we all find ourselves slipping up on. People can only get better if they want to help themselves. That goes for yourself and other people. You can only help them if they want to help themselves. You can only get help if you are willing to accept the help from yourself.
I guess you might want to learn a little bit about my life? I'll share a few things that I've noticed is a little bit different about me compared to others throughout my life. First things first, whenever I meet a stranger I feel some sort of bond with them and I can really understand how their feeling and what they are really thinking. When I was little I never understood it. I mean... it just happened and I thought it was a normal thing that every kid has. As soon as I looked into someones eyes I felt their vibration; how they were really feeling. It was as if all their emotions and thoughts flooded over mine for a quick few seconds. Those seconds dragged on forever. You know when you have empathy towards people, imagine that feeling but just multiply it by five hundred. I don't know if I would call this a gift. I don't know if I would call myself a gift. Having different and unusual qualities about oneself doesn't make them superior in any way. Things happen to me, and just because they're different doesn't make them good. But I'm pretty sure I can turn them into something good if I try hard enough. I was put on this planet to help, to move forward or at least try to. I have always known that from a very young age.
When I was younger I never really understood the concept of having parents. I don't remember my dad much. He wasn't a very prominent character in my life. My mom used to talk about him a lot, and how he was gone all the time traveling all around the world to save up money so we could all move down to the Galapagos Islands. How did he even come up with that one?A deep enthralling love of one hundred year old turtles, isolation and hot sand? Who knows. My moms sense of excitement dwindled down with every passing year though, and with every absense of my father. The spark in her eye when she would talk about him began to vanish as time went on. I felt a great deal of sadness for her at the time. I've realized that you can't have too much imagination. You have be in the moment and think about the future and be a realist. Imagination in moderation. That should be a slogan for some company, it has a good tune to it. Hope is good, but having a false sense of hope for long periods of time can distort the way you think and perceive things.
I want everyone to be able to look at everything in their past with no regrets or remorse. Look back, reflect and leave everything behind. The past should stay in the past. Accept it and never talk about it as a bad thing. Talk about it with a sense of learning from your mistakes. Take the bad things and morph them into something good. Then again, that's easier said than done. I thrive to help my mom recover from her past. She's been a very traumatized and closed off person.
November 2, 2014
Today has been a pretty lazy day. I've noticed when others are in an unsettling mood, it drains me of my energy. It's like I absorb energy by helping others, so I almost have a power inside of me to want to help others for the benefit of them and myself. Which isn't in a conceited way, I guess it is just something that pushes me to want to help even more. I feel like talking about my past some more. With yourself I've learned to reflect and move on. So with this journal I want to reflect and move on as well.
On facebook and things like it, when it asks for your hometown I don't have much of an answer. I never really had a solid home. I have moved over twenty one times in my life, and that is not even an over exaggeration. Everything feels temporary. Everything is temporary. Life itself is even temporary. Things are so insignificant in the long run, which isn't to say to not love and enjoy every second of your existence. I am such a happy.. person as a result of understanding this concept, and even revolving my life around it. Embrace your individuality, your uniqueness, your flaws and imperfections.
Making friendships was always kind of hard for me. I always felt alone in my interests with others. I connected with music better than I did trying to connect with a friend wanting to play with barbie's when I was younger. I moved so much I used to feel thrown all over the place. I thought forming friendships was almost a waste of time because in the end we would just end up moving somewhere else and I would have to abandon them. On top of never feeling like I belonged with
any group of people, my mom and I moved so much it was hard to sustain friendships. I never had the same interests as the other kids. I could feel how hesitant people were to come up and talk to me. Was I that intimidating? It was probably my appearance. I had snow white hair and kids would tease me because of it. I got called every book in the name. "Grandma" was probably the best seller, kids were just so original. It used to bother me, I got wrapped up in all the negativity these kids would put on me and I became a very closed off and sheltered child for a while.
I spent a lot of time outside and in nature. It gave me such a sense of peace I became in love with it. Silence is deafening. Nature is a place of peace. Its an excuse to get away from the noise of the rest of the world. I often find my mind and body trailing off into places without necessarily taking enough notice of it. I am completely content with myself when I am surrounded by the energy of plants, dirt, trees and wind. By being a little bit more aware of my surroundings I've noticed that nature doesn't hurry for anyone or anything. But in the end everything falls into place.
Step outside and look. Look at the beauty surrounding you. In order to have this be beneficial, you have to go in with the right mindset. As cheesy or cliche as you might feel, rid your thoughts of this. Go walk into nature and absorb all the positive fulfilling energy. The best place I go for this sense of nirvana is a fallen tree in my backyard over a flower filled gully. I stare at all the leaves and look down at the rocks below.
As I sit outside, I realize how fragile and vulnerable humans really are; we depend so much on things. Realizing these lessons gives me a sense of accomplishment, for noticing how simple things could be. I now know people need to calm down sometimes and let things go. Imagine yourself breathing in all the positive things in your life and slowly breathing out the negatives. I feel the cool breeze touch my cheek, hear the rustle of leaves above me, see the fragile ant crawl across the log, smell the fresh fall air. I have always loved the smell of fall. Is it the decay? I wouldn't imagine decay would be something enjoyable; yet it is. Leaves are so simple...which makes everything seem easy for a little bit.
The leaves grow, they become beautiful colors of golden yellow to deep red, and then they simply die. This process continues over and over and over again. I imagine the tree itself representing the physical body. The leaves representing all the layers of the mind, that grow and then decay; sadness growing and then decaying away from the physical body only for something beautiful to come in its place again.
Nature's silence can be overwhelming. Not very often do people take the time to truly listen to themselves. I am the most well rounded in the company of my silence. Ridding myself of the distractions of phones and music every so often, I feel most comfortable. In order to be content with yourself, you have to be completely comfortable with yourself. Seems easy enough right? The mind seems to be good at trailing off into tangents of morbid thoughts; this is what you have the opportunity to overcome. I believe nature is the best place to get to know your own thoughts. Its the rawest form of thought, with absolutely no distractions except the natural energies of the world. Sitting in the silence of nature offers the chance for more appreciation and truth to yourself.
The comfort of nature and silence is very meaningful to me. Its shaped the way I think, that I'm now a much more happy person. I'm happy because I know I have a place in this world. I am a much more honest person to myself as a result of this. I have learned that you will always have you. It is so important to be completely content with yourself because thats all you will have for your entire existence. Nature gives me my sense of belonging.
I really enjoy free writing because I think as you get more into it you dig down deeper and deeper into your subconscious mind, which I believe to be your all knowing mind. I never used to write about what I really felt for school papers in fear of teachers or students thinking I would stand out. I dressed very plainly. I never wanted to stand out because everything else about myself was so out there I just wanted to blend in as much as I possibly could. I hated being questioned. Especially from ones of "power," like adults. To this day I can't stand when adults look down upon teenagers. Like they have something more important or something above me just because they have been on this earth longer than I have. I respect elderly people because in reality, they have probably experienced more things than I have. But that does not give them the right to abuse their sense of power and use it against teenagers who are already so young and easily broken themselves.
I embrace my differences more now. I feel like my mind grows at a faster pace than others. I'm not saying I'm smarter or anything along those lines. I don't feel superior, I just feel different. I know I can see and feel different things than anybody else on this planet which makes it hard to try and really connect with people.
I guess I never really told you my age yet, I'm seventeen. A senior in high school. Stuck in a world of mindless kids plagued with the idea that other people could fix their brokenness. I'm pretty sure thats a quote. It is- F Scott Fitzgerald, "and in the end, we were all just humans.. drunk on the idea that love and only love could heal our brokenness." (Thank you google.) I really like that quote- I was close enough to it. Humans are all so shamefully similar to each other. Anyways, high school. It could be worse I guess, freshman year was really hard for me though. I guess we'll get into that later. I haven't moved since the middle of freshman year, so it's a weird change finally feeling physically at home somewhere.
Now heres the part where I start thinking and reflecting on things. I have learned that physical homes are temporary and its best not to get too attached to them. A lot of physical things are only temporary. The most important thing in life is your mind. Your home is where your heart is. As cheesy as you want to make that seem, its true. Relying too much on things and objects isn't healthy because one day things will change and you will be completely lost. Moving so much has really helped me deal with change. It has helped me manage my stress when things don't go as planned. I'm much better at just "going with the flow" (as my mom used to say) as a result of changing up my physical home so often. With every move I took it as an adventure to start something new. You could go into school being a completely different you until you really found out who the real you really were.
It is getting late and I am pretty tired. I'm going to try and wrap up this journal entry to the best that I can. Today I've learned how greatly nature has affected me and made me more at peace. I have embraced the fact that maybe I am not completely "normal" by societies definition but I have learned to love myself because of it. I used to want to blend in with everyone because I feared being confronted about my differences. Physical differences are one thing but mental differences and the way I perceive things in life is on a whole different playing field. I am more comfortable with myself and I no longer want to hide. I want to make a difference and help guide people towards change. I have also learned the home isn't something you can feel. Home is a place within yourself. You must learn to accept change, and move on with your life.
November 3, 2014
I have always been interested in Egypt. I never knew why, I was just always drawn to everything surrounded by it. I could never explain it but if I ever when in a museum I was attracted towards the mummies and artifacts of the ancient pyramids. There needs to be so much more research on the pyramids and how utterly amazing they really are. Without the use of heavy machinery way back when, how in the world did the egyptians lift thousand pound bricks to form these pyramids. It is unexplainable. I've done some thinking on this myself. I presume that some extraterrestrial being came down teaching these simple humans how to move forward in evolution and teach them things. Kind of like the way a parent guides a child through their early years so they can grow up and become something better in the future and this continues and continues until the human race has evolved into something more.
When I get certain intuitions that pop up into my head, my hair on my arms stands straight up. I had that feeling. I would like to talk about intuitions. "Sticking with your gut feeling" my mom would always tell me. "A sixth sense," whatever you want to call it, it is real, very real.
The unknown scares humans. I've noticed, children being scared of the dark. What are people really scared of in life? I believe, the unknown. We are scared of death. Death- people like to put labels and beliefs to this idea, for a sense of truth and comfort. Death is an unknown, this is the most unsettling and scary idea for humans to wrap their head around simply because they don't actually know. No one living actually knows what death is really like, and it scares them.
I am not numb to feeling things, so obviously I am a little uneased about the concept of death as well. It is not so much.. death itself that scares me, it is leaving things behind. I feel like death is peaceful. Maybe you won't remember it, like being born. You are aware but you don't exactly process everything that might be happening. I want to be at peace when I pass away, I want to feel completely fulfilled. Who knows, maybe death is another life waiting for us to come join. There are infinite possibilities for our destinies. Trying to control where these paths might take us is not okay.
There is no pain in death. I like to think of it as a hazy confusing deep dream state, but who am I to make this judgment. I have never died myself, I am just saying what I would imagine it to be. I have always been really interested in learning about religion, and peoples philosophies on death, and life, and even life after death. Some people say, in faith you will find truth. I believe in time and experiences you will find truth. Truth to yourself and your thoughts but also truth to others and humans in general. There is no rushing truth.
With death comes religion. With religion comes controversy. Rather you believe it is good or bad, I am not one to judge you at all. This is my journal, my thoughts and feeling and it is nice to write some of them down to make sense of things. Some people cling to religion like it is their only guide in life. Like they can not sustain themselves that they have to so orderly go by the principles made up by other people. I am not saying religion is bad, because it is not. It is the way that people can corrupt it that makes it bad. It is the people that can make it bad. Many people find comfort in feeling in control. They feel comfort in knowing all of the answers. When in reality, you just don't. Some things are meant not to have answers for a reason. I can understand why people might like the have some sort of path and guide in life, and I think that is totally normal and healthy. Myself, I just can not define my life in just one certain type of religion. I can not fathom doing so.
My mom is catholic. Most of her family is. I was born catholic, brought to church occasionally, but I never used to understand the meaning behind it. I just thought it was good and the right thing to do and just wanted to wait it out so I could finally go home. What meaning does that have? You do things in life because it has meaning to it. Everything has meaning. I remember feeling so pressured to get my communion by my family (and school at the time) that I just decided to do it just to get it out of the way. That feels so wrong to me, especially on my family's part now that I can look back on this. I wasn't doing these things for myself, I was doing it for other people. So they would be happy for something that did not have much meaning for me. What is the point then for myself?
Forcing religion on your child is wrong. I am just going to put it as simple as that. Molding your child's beliefs and morals that have been within them at birth to suit yours is wrong. I could understand only wanting the best for your child in the future or even after death, but people have to learn how to let go and understand better. You do not have control. You could be making your kid go to church every weekend and say prayers but if it does not resonate within them, or if they do not put meaning to their words, then it is not worth your time or theirs.
I am not trying to boss anyone around and tell you what is right and what is wrong, because who am I to be the judge of all of that. I am just voicing my opinion and possibly opening your mind up to new ways of thinking. If you are only ever taught one thing your entire life, it becomes hard to open your eyes to new ways of thinking. Because change, and the unknown is feared. If you ever have a gut feeling that something you're doing does not feel right within yourself, do not do it. Having regrets in the future because of you past is a terrible feeling and holds you back from moving forward with your life ahead.
Relating all of this back to myself, I am a very spiritual person. I like to think of myself as one with an imaginative, but realistic mind. I am open to everything and enjoy all ways of thinking. I am not one to argue about things. I like to understand. Look at myself in someone else shoes. I have always found it really easy to put myself in other peoples situations and feel almost exactly what they are feeling. Having this sort of empathy really help to better understand people and the human race in general and what we need to do to help let humans evolve even more to be able to sustain death, change and the unknown.
Becoming more open minded towards things opens up the window to be more aware of things. These two things go hand in hand. I often better understand things happening in my life if I take a little bit more time to stop and reflect on everything. This leads me to another point of realization, dreams.
"A series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a persons mind during sleep." I remember hearing my 9th grade health teacher say how dreams mean nothing, and they are just a way for your mind to exercise when its not 'in use.' I think this is a very ignorant. You can't simply ignore what you mind is telling you. Decoding your dreams lets you into your 'secret' subconscious; like having a conversation with yourself. I think your subconscious is more than what we think. Being more attuned with your subconscious and psyche can be really beneficial for anyone. Analyzing your dreams is a way to receive a direct message right from the heart of yourself, that you might not consciously be aware of.
The first step to doing this is being able to remember your dreams. Its a very meticulous process, but can be done. Dreams are more meaningful when you have a clear picture of what happened rather than a hazy idea of what might of happened. Right when you wake up don't open your eyes but just work your way backwards in the latest dream you remember then write every detail you can remember down in a dream journal, or even your phone. Don't create plots when there aren't plots though. You don't have to write your dream like a story, unless thats exactly how you remember it. Also stay away from dream interpretation websites. It could make you paranoid, over analyzing anything isn't necessarily good. They are your dreams, your thoughts, so you should determine the symbolism for yourself.
An example of a real dream I wrote down Wednesday 23, April 2014 5:36 am:
"It starts out with a girl, everythings black and white- she's laughing and kissing her boyfriend. Then you see her alone standing at the edge of a fence with a little dog house or something behind her. She keeps saying, "I know, I want to mend your heart, mend your heart, your heart, your heart, your heart, I know," then she looks directly in your direction, "You know about me," and twists her head to the side. She takes out a cigarette (not proudly) and starts to smoke it. This is where it gets fuzzy, but you see a rope being hung from your house and it's just swinging lifelessly. Then you see water (im assuming) splash all over the ground, dripping off the sidewalk, the consistency of really thick blood. Then you see a grandmother and her grandchild walk over and the grandmother is traumatized, and you can feel it. She covers her granddaughter's eyes and quickly starts to walk away, and they both fade away.
and that was it."
Dreams can offer a creative outlet for your conscious mind too. This dream was so vivid and portrayed like a film, I could make it into a short film. You can elaborate on the storylines of your dreams and turn them into something amazing.
An example of a dream that makes absolutely no sense, Tuesday 10, Jun 2014:
"I don't remember all of it but, I remember mom screaming and just being mad at everyone... then noel got mad and tried to stab me with scissors in the shoulder. So I got really scared and told mom, and she said, " do you think we should bring him to the mental hospital?!" and I replied with a yes. I tried to go get him and he tried to stab me with scissors in the leg this time, so I ran and told him we were going out (so he would just follow us to the car) and we drove and it was dark and snowy and I remember seeing a lot of old billboards. We got in the hospital, and it was kind of in the forest, and didn't seem like a hospital at all. There was this giant park thing where a bunch of little kids playing supervised by a lot of adults. So we drove around back, got out and brought Noel. By now Noel was crying and saying, "Why are you doing this," then Whoopi Goldberg (what) was the park/hospital director person so we kind of handed Noel off to her. Yah- thats all I remember"
Some dreams could mean nothing at all, I remember that morning I woke up really confused. I guess this dream could prove that I've been feeling hurt by the ones I love lately if I were to really analyze it. I realize those retellings of my dreams did not have the best grammar, but that it what my mind came up with. Dreaming can mean more if you start to interpret your dreams and compare them to real life situations you are faced with now. Fear less, do more and open up your mind.
November 4, 2014
Some recent events not necessarily related to myself have made me think about things in a larger perspective. I think often humans in general lose sight of who they are and the things going on around them. We can become so disconnected with everything that we are so easily distraught.Then in any given second something could happen. A loved one could pass away, get in a car crash, overdose on drugs. It is just how fragile human beings are that leaves me so dazed. Collectively we don't take this fact into consideration in our everyday lives and it's not only something I need to personally discern but it's something that people as a whole need to work on. Realizing that our endlessness that is trapped within ourselves is also trapped within every other person on the planet. We are all these innumerable beings that go inward and outward forever. I find myself taking things for granted, everyone does once in a while and it is a disgusting trait about ourselves that we need to abolish. We get so wrapped up in little meaningless problems that we begin to forget the things and people that truly matter to us. So go out hug your best friend, tell your grandparents you love them and appreciate every second of your life and begin to try and see the light that awaits in your future and make that the hope that drives you to keep going.
I was thinking about being more aware lately. Something that has aided me in finding the reason to stay on this earth is simply becoming more grateful for the little things. I think at soon you start becoming mindful of yourself and the things happening around you is the moment when you start becoming the greatest version of yourself.
I have never been a really organized person. I don't know why, it just was some kind of trait I was born with. Even though that sounds like some kind of excuse I would try and play on my mom. This is something I constantly try to work on and improve.
Today I took notice of the structure within life. Humans strive for organization and order. I think in order to move forward and evolve, people have to learn how to be independent at a younger age. Try to imagine a world where rules were not necessary. Humans could do whatever they wanted, there would be no laws, no rules, no consequences for your actions. You could get things for free, you wouldn't be required to go to school. You could marry who ever you wanted.
Now, imagine this same kind of world with a sense of reality. You wouldn't be able to go outside, fearing of what could happen. There would be murder, robberies, death. No one would be safe, because everything would be looked at as alright and legal. Would people's morals and intuitions provide a certain kind of laws and restrictions for themselves? Personally, I believe the human race is too weak to handle something like this. Things would literally fall apart. It's kind of sad to think how fragile humans really are, and how easily we are broken. Morals would start to disintegrate, empathy washed away, human dignity would be at an all time low. The word 'consequences' has been said to us a countless number of time. We all grow us with a certain set of rules, set by ourselves and our parents. We are taught to do the right things simply because actions have consequences. How exactly do you define something bad?
Something I believe people have to work on is the ability to see potential. The ability to see what might be. One way to do this is to develop your third eye. This certain kind of sixth sense people cause controversy over is hard to fully understand. The third eye is a kind of gateway into seeing things that humans aren't naturally born with, like a reflex. It is something that can be developed because I believe that only certain people can handle. The truths of reality and differences between you and others is a lot to handle and humans as whole could literally become insane.
Becoming attuned with your third eye, or brow chakra is the understanding that you don't see with your eyes, you see with your inner awareness of situations and how you interpret them. I believe that this is of utter importance in the human society. Personally, I was born with my third eye already completely open. I don't say this with pride, it was just something that has always been a part of my life and I have always seemed very connected to myself, and in tune with who I really am. For most other humans, you almost have to train your third eye to develop and open up.
I have never felt exactly at home. I have always had the feeling of something bigger and better being out there just waiting for me. I have the feeling that I was put here to get something done, I am here for a purpose. I think everybody on earth is put here for a reason but some people take longer to realize their full potential and abilities than others. I think this is why there are so many people that get off track in life, because they get disconnected with themselves, their emotions and their empathy is abolished.
Life is not just what's on the outside. It is the same concept that goes with people. People are not just what they appear to be on the outside. There are more things waiting for me and others. Becoming aware of these opportunities by opening up parts of your being, will allow things to unfold and come to you. Inviting healthy energies and filling yourself with the positive energies radiating off others will balance yourself out as a person. People have to realize these energies and know that they do exist in order to become attuned to the idea that energy can help guide you. It is what drives human motivation. I have noticed taking little coincidences into consideration of what they might actually be trying to tell you can help guide you to a certain path in your life.
November 5, 2014
Having a strong self esteem is something I see on a daily basis that people are lacking. Feeling constrained from certain things because of fears and anxieties can lead to bigger problems in the future. Having an obvious will to be here on earth and a sense of self is at utmost importance in todays society. I figure out these lessons for myself by just letting them come to me and not ignoring any signs, not saying it is an easy thing to do and incorperate into your daily life, because it isn't. This relates back to being fully aware of what is happening to you in the present and at this very moment in time.
Noticing the small things in life can really help you develop your awareness to how beautiful the world really can be if you just let it. Taking time to be at peace with yourself can let you often reflect on other people, and what they might be lacking in order for you to try and help them. Helping people in general is just human nature but how far are people really willing to go to put others before themselves.
It is good to focus on yourself, your energy sometimes, but you can also benefit from directing your attention towards others. Helping others can also help yourself. It can help you learn more about yourself, and even direct you to your future self and destiny. Helping others has so much benefit. You can get to gain important life experiences and develop connections with people. Having an overall good outlook towards people and just humanity in general can make you be a truly happy person. Being open towards everyone also allows you to meet interesting people that might open you up to new things. With no judgment towards people, no one is a threat, and you respect every human being just the same as another.
Things happen for a reason. I believe in coincidences, but I also believe that they happen for a reason. Everything in everyones life has meaning behind its action no matter what, even the smallest most insignificant thing. When you start taking notice of these things you can further understand why these certain things happen to you, and what these things might be trying to tell you. Bumping into people at a certain time is not just meaningless. It is your energies being drawn towards each other for some reason. That reason might not be visible to you yet, but there always is a reason behind things.
When something crosses your mind, do take notice of it and consider it. Little intuitions can mean bigger things in the future. Coincidences and things like it all are adding up to something bigger, trying to direct you towards whatever direction that may be. When you notice certain things happening again and again this is defined as a synchronicity; a meaningful coincidence. They happen commonly and might even be overlooked, which is not uncommon.
When you start to notice these synchronicities, their meanings will eventually be discovered. Next time you find yourself thinking, "oh that was such a coincidence" stop for a second and think about it. Become more aware of the situation around you and try to figure out your surroundings and what might of driven this to happen at this certain point in time, and why it did. Listen to what your mind is telling you. Focus on your feelings and everything that you are thinking. Always trust your first thought or response to the situation the most. There might be something you need to know that your conscious mind is not fully aware of yet. This is a great, and almost mysterious experience. You will notice as you start becoming more aware of everything in your life, things will just come to you easier and you will start to understand the real meaning behind yourself and the world around you more often.
It really is such an amazing feeling to feel connected with the things around you and yourself. Opening up this part of your mind is great to help heal and move on with things that might of held you back in the past. I have learned that nothing happens by accident. All you need to do is let go of restraining yourself from opening your mind to these new ideas. Your life will start to be full of clarity and knowingness.
When the ego vanishes, it is when the true self is revealed and you start to live in the now and notice how simple things really are, with no stress. There is not a true starting point or ending point to someones existence. When one door closes, another one opens allowing for a new start and outlook on life. When you let go of your materialistic ego driven self, your true self is shown in even brighter and more meaningful colors than before. Everything is connected, and realizing that this life is not the only life there will be is important. We are all eternal beings with no beginning or end, we just are.
Today I noticed that things went by really slow. I believe it was the people around me engulfing me with bad energies, which drained me relatively quickly. I don't necessarily mean for this to happen but it has always been hard for me to block these things out of my life. I cannot block out the pain, in myself and others, rather I have to face it upfront and try to figure out how to deal with it. Quietly observing people today I have noticed people have a bad quality of wanting to feel in power and be right all of the time. I do not think that anybody should have ultimate power over anybody else. Opening yourself up to happiness and truth will take over any negative things in your life that do not actually matter. When you enter this state of consciousness you start to open your eyes to the things that actually do and do not matter. Drama and fighting does not matter. You will notice how the little things importance start to seem bigger, and have more depth.
I like to think of discovering your true self as becoming enlightened with more than you were previously aware of in this lifetime. A few things in order to embody this state of mind is realizing that we all make mistakes. There is no such thing as perfect in the universe, everybody and everything does have flaws. You have to be accepting of this reality. Everybody is different and some learn from mistakes by repeating them over and over until they realize what they have been doing wrong. When it really comes down to it, you just have to get down to the source of the problem, accept it, and move on learning from your past mistake. I think making mistakes is good, as long as you understand what you did wrong and are able to recover from it.
Going to other people and resources to gain knowledge and wisdom is perfectly fine too. You are not alone on this journey we call life. Do not isolate yourself to only your thoughts because then there will never be enough space to grow. Also, find time in your day to be more conscious, as I like to call it. We all get stressed out and pressured to be right all the time and do everything perfectly, but we all need a peaceful time to cool down once in a while too. Remaining in the here and the now lets your mind go off into tangents of new ways of thinking and looking at things too.
Approaching every day circumstances while taking in everything in that very moment clears your mind and opens up your state of consciousness to what is really happening around you. Smell the air, look at the sky, take note of how you feel at this very moment in time. Practice meditation in your free time. In the morning when you wake up , before you go to bed, during class when you are done with your work, whenever you feel it is the right time. When you really put your mind to it, it can be so beneficial to you as an overall person. If you are lying in bed close your eyes and first focus on your breathing. Think of nothing but happiness and calmness. Start at your feet and take notice of how every part of you is feeling, while still keeping your breathing steady. When you start to practice this technique for a while your body will feel as if it is floating in air, while waves keep sliding down the back of you. This is when I have my clearest thoughts.
Always be mindful and thankful for the simplicity life has to offer. Take pleasure in everything you do, and never regret anything, Try to not give yourself a reason in the future to regret things you have done in the past. Do not confuse this with thriving to be perfect all the time though. Because everybody slips up sometimes which is completely healthy and normal. Developing concentration for things also provides wisdom which is truly a real 'step' to becoming a new you.
As you become more attuned with this state of mind, you will start taking for things how they really are rather than taking things by thought provoked activities. Embracing this awareness makes life seem simple and and easy to relax in. This is what the body and mind needs in order to move forward; its natural condition. This state of higher consciousness is available to anyone that is willing to seek it. Ultimately your common sense and intuitions are your best guides for this transformation. You have to learn how to be so comfortable with yourself that you trust yourself completely. Accepting yourself completely is something everyone must learn in life, never let anyone or anything thing hold you back, especially yourself.
November 6, 2014
Wendy's point of view:
I awaken to blankness, my eyes burning. I see the sweat on my skin forming into perfect looking spheres. I feel constrained, even though there are no constraints around me. My toes slowly move back and forth as it takes a lot of concentration to control them. The metal touching my bare back sends a chill up my spine. Where am I? I am not exactly scared, I sense no fear. Instead, in its place is a sense of homeness, and comfort in my strange surroundings. I feel disconnected. Something is missing. I look to my body, I am lying down, and have a hospital looking gown on. I attempt to sit up but some force drives me the lay back down. I hear the beep of my heart as it starts to become apparent on the screen behind me. Slower and slower it beats- am I imagining this. Everything feels too real. I feel like I am in a deep sleep, but my mind is wide awake and alert. My eyes dart around the empty room. Things slowly begin to focus. I feel a tremendous amount of pressure on my chest as I attempt to take a big breathe in.
I start to panic, air. I am missing air. There is nothing. My eyes flash white as a metallic taste consumes my mouth. Something is being strapped around my head. This world of whiteness starts to spin around me and I lose the muscle movement in my neck. My lifeless neck rolls back onto the metallic bed. My eyelids start to weigh down shut. I can not open them. The metallic whiff of air consumes my taste buds once again. My arm feels warm. I look to my left out of the blankness appears a purple glove with cracking gray skin slipping out into the arm. The warmness radiates off of it. I feel happiness flood through my body.
"You are safe," a voice appears in the back of my mind. The word safe repeats over and over slowly getting quieter with each passing second. It comforts me in a strange way.
I notice a pinch in my arm as I look towards my arm as a syringe of a milky looking substance is pushed through my skin. I sense relief. I taste metal. My body is heavy. I feel as if I am falling through a dark hole full of every human emotion possible. I feel confusion as things begin to spin faster and faster. I feel happiness warm me and radiate over my entire body. I feel aloneness as I descend into the trance faster and faster. I feel nothing. The comforting witness quickly shifts to darkness. A flash of red flows over my eyes and then fear strikes me.
Alice's point of view:
I have always enjoyed sleep, I enjoy the night I enjoy the comfort of the darkness with the silence of my thoughts. I especially love that transition between consciousness and unconsciousness. It is almost dream like, and my body feels like it is floating towards the ceiling but I am quickly pulled back down into my body with a strong force and then blackness; sleep. During sleep I have vivid dreams, but I do not believe that they are just dreams. I believe strongly in my past lives and reincarnation. No- I do not think everyone will turn into a butterfly as soon as they die, I think something more happens. Something bigger than any human on earth could even begin to comprehend. I like to think about what this could be, but I can not ever jump to a set in stone conclusion. What is the fun of things if you know the answers to everything? There would be no motivation ever again if you ended up knowing the outcomes for every situation.
I have always felt compelled to help people, and guide them. I look at life from many different viewpoints and consider every one of them, which guides to to the ultimate truth in myself and for others. I feel very much like I don't belong here. Earth is beautiful and life in general is beautiful but it is humans that are lacking the same connection I feel towards things. I have only met very few people in my life that I can truly connect with. All of these people I ended up leaving or things would not work out. I have noticed that people strive to have power in situations, relationships and even friendships. This is what can eventually set things off in the wrong path. In order for relationships or any type of connection to truly sustain, there has to be equality. Openness towards the other person on every idea or outlook they have on things, and accepting them.
I have also never felt exactly at home in my own skin. I am trying to make the most out of this lifetime but there is a power inside of me drawing me to something bigger and I can feel it. But I can not exactly grasp it yet. I take this as a sign that there are still more things in my life that I have to discover myself. The future recently has scared me. I do not develop a sense of fear for things normally. Fear is a made up concept in your head that you can control. I have had strong intuitions lately leading me to little coincidences that I have started to take more notice of recently. I can not figure out what these things are trying to tell me though. I am missing a big part of my past, or my future and I have such a strong will to find out what that thing is.
I have never felt lonelier than before. When I go back to my physical home it drains me even more and I feel some sort of emotional void consuming me lately and I can not rid myself of this. I have never felt normal. I do not look that different but walking with people and being around many people I have this sense inside of me that I do not truly belong. I belong somewhere else, or with different types of people. That disconnected feeling has risen inside of me even more the past few days. I can sense something is coming but I have no clue what to expect. I need to take notice of things happening around me more, because I am missing something and some kind of force is trying to tell me something but something I am doing, or something someone else is doing is blocking that message from being received. It is not an exactly enjoyable feeling to be consumed by every day. I want to change, I want things around me to change.
When I was younger I thought these feelings of always being out of place with the rest of the world would just fade away. But they have not. They have just grown stronger and stronger as I grow up. I love people, and love getting to know people. Humans interest me so much. I can feel so much of their pain though it takes a lot of will to actually get connected to somebody. I find out the truth in people faster than others I believe and it can really take me back sometimes. If I hear of death, even on the news I can feel this sense that something in myself has died as well. But something new will open up I always think to myself. In place of death, becomes life again. I do not think others understand this concept as well as I might.
Every time before I fall asleep I am filled with some sort of sense of hope that when I wake up things will change and I will finally feel at home, but it never does. I was diagnosed with Depression last year because of my feeling of utter despair and loneliness. I have never considered myself a negative or sad person though. Sometimes I just see so much of the truth in things it upsets me and I just wish I could change everything wrong about the world, and what people are missing from their lives. As soon as I was prescribed medicine, and ready to take it I had a strong thought cross my mind that just said no. I took note of this somewhat unconscious thought and never took the medicine. I enjoyed talking to physiologists but I always felt like I could never truly open up to them. They were nice people but I never felt like I could trust them, and I could not help this feeling. I have always felt like I am on the outside looking in.
I feel like I understand things that others do not, which makes me feel like I do not belong. I have always questioned things in life, or even life in general to such a higher extent than others. It is not so much that I have wanted to know all the answers, but it is more feeling a drive to try and understand the life that I am living right at this moment. I believe that there is so much more than what we live in, and I feel compelled to make humans believe this in order to move forward in our evolution. I look at the whole human race like a child growing up into something more, and then dying. I feel like there is an end of something coming soon but an even brighter beginning to something new. When humans 'die' is when we will all finally be in our real homes.
There will be no competition for humans to rise above one another. Instead, equality and appreciation for the beauty of everyone and everything will take its place. I believe that this is our ultimate 'ending.' Realizing these things in life, so much that the people that do not welcome these ways of thinking in life will become somewhat 'invisible' to these new beings eyes. People need to be willing to change. Nothing should stop the progression of our human evolution. With every century things have just gotten more and more complex, we are moving forwards. People that dismiss this idea of some kind of spiritual evolution are so set in their ways that they can not fathom anything but what they have known their whole lives.
Change is difficult for everybody, but in order to move forwards some one has to teach humans how to embrace this new kind of change. I do not know who is responsible for teaching this to people. I feel like this kind of thing is inside of everyone and people have to be willing to open themselves up to their true identities, and start to listen to themselves and what their mind is trying to tell them. There is a power inside of everybody that people can dismiss, or embrace. This is what I really think will help drive humans to their destination point in this life.
I have always enjoyed sleep, I enjoy the night I enjoy the comfort of the darkness with the silence of my thoughts. I especially love that transition between consciousness and unconsciousness. It is almost dream like, and my body feels like it is floating towards the ceiling but I am quickly pulled back down into my body with a strong force and then blackness; sleep. During sleep I have vivid dreams, but I do not believe that they are just dreams. I believe strongly in my past lives and reincarnation. No- I do not think everyone will turn into a butterfly as soon as they die, I think something more happens. Something bigger than any human on earth could even begin to comprehend. I like to think about what this could be, but I can not ever jump to a set in stone conclusion. What is the fun of things if you know the answers to everything? There would be no motivation ever again if you ended up knowing the outcomes for every situation.