Hey, hyungs. Well, I assume you have Jisung and Chenle reading this, or you plan to show them eventually. I was going to handwrite two different letters but I figured I could just make one and like be cool about it, you know?
(If I don’t end up dying (which would be totally embarrassing, by the way. Who tries to kill themself and ends up alive? That’d be so horrible.) then you probably shouldn’t read this. I’ll take it all back and become Haechan again if I end up living. Take none of this to heart if I survive in a hospital. I don’t mean anything unless I’m dead by dawn.)
Actually, truth be told, I don’t know how to be cool about this. It’s difficult for me to even focus on one thing. That could be the ADHD or the dehydration. So, I’ll start off with apologizing.
(Gosh, you’re all selfish bastards. I hope you know that. )
But I’m sorry. For skipping meals and making you think that your cooking is shit (Taeyong hyung specifically, I’m really sorry). I saw the way your face fell every single time I said that I wasn’t hungry --- you looked like you were going to cry and break down but I didn’t pay attention to it. You hadn’t noticed anything anyways. Not my bad habits or how pretty I was getting. I wish you’d noticed that I was getting pretty and tiny. I would’ve been happy. Happier than now, at least. You know, you not noticing how I went down two sizes in pants only made me more determined to slowly kill myself off. Not your fault, though. It’s mine. I should’ve probably stopped when I was getting dizzy all the time.
I’m sorry for not playing games with you. This goes for Johnny hyung and Jaehyun hyung and anyone who’s ever asked me to play games with them in the past three months and been turned down. I’m really sorry. Really. You’re not boring, I am. I was tired, you were energetic. I couldn’t bring myself to play games with you. My fault, again. The games didn’t interest me much at one point. PUBG? Boring, in my head. I lost interest in a lot of things as time went on. Sorry.
I’m sorry for not paying attention in practice. I wish you would have done something other than yell at me for it, though. I get that it happened way more than once, but I was trying. Really hard. I guess you couldn’t see. Yuta hyung, you yelled at me a lot. Yeah, I get it. You were really mad at me most of the time, I think. It was probably because I was a spiteful brat who didn’t do anything I was supposed to. Yeah. Sorry.
I’m sorry for stealing your spot in the kitchen, Taeyong hyung. My sudden interest in cooking probably fueled the thought that I hated your cooking more. Cooking was a distraction. If you can not eat while cooking, you have self-control. Amazing self-control. I had it and successfully made multiple meals without burning down the kitchen and hurting anyone’s feelings more than they had to. And, if you can lie your way into skipping a meal that you made because you supposedly ate while cooking, you have even more self-control.
I’m sorry for taking your water bottle, Mark hyung. That one with the cute sticker from the Hot Sauce album? I think it was the fire sticker. I can’t remember well. I’m sorry. I stopped drinking water because you just looked so damn mad when I asked if I could have some of your water. It’s not your fault, really. I take things too seriously sometimes.
I’m sorry for coddling you, Renjun. You were always annoyed by it, I assume. The pushing away and the whining wasn’t really only for the camera. I thought it was for a while and then you yelled at me for wanting to lean on your shoulder why we were watching a movie. Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or annoyed by it. I don’t like skinship much anymore.
I’m sorry for accidentally walking in on you two kissing. Chenji, we all knew it would happen at some point. I was excited to see it happen, but before I could turn around and leave, Jisung had caught sight of me and all hell broke loose (I’ve been waiting all my life to say this, let me, please). I didn’t mean to interrupt your first kiss moment. I was looking for Jaemin. I didn’t know that he was out and you were planning on having a date with Chenle because you had recently gotten together with him. Sorry. Really.
I’m sorry that I sorta disrespected you a lot, Jeno. At one point, I was so pissed because Jaemin wouldn’t even look at me. I think it was because Jisung told him I was being a nosy puss with his relationship with Chenle, and that I stole his laptop (I did, but it was so I could send an email. It wasn’t to find his secret gay porn stash), and that I yelled at him twice in one week. Jaemin hated me, but he loved you. Gosh, he always loved you. You could burn down half of the world and he’d look at you like you were the only thing in the universe. It made sense after he said he liked you. I didn’t want that kind of love from him. Any love would work. He’s Jaemin. He loves everyone. But he couldn’t look at me for a long time. You deserve a lot, Jeno. Sorry I called you names once and talked a little bit of shit to Mark when you were within earshot. I saw you crying a little after that but I was too stubborn to apologize. I’m sorry. I love you
I’m sorry for ignoring you, Yangyang. You always meant well, I knew that. You were fun, loud. You introduced me to smoking. I’m grateful for that. Well, grateful and ungrateful. Can’t believe you, my favorite WayV member, would introduce me to such a method of self-destruction. It was like a blessing and a curse. Sorry that I ignored you for a while. I was getting used to the numbing of the brain after smoking nicotine. Smoking stopped me from being hungry. You helped me. I ignored you because I didn’t want you to see how far I’d fallen into what I call “casual smoking”. You’re a casual smoker. You light a cigarette once every two months--maybe twice if you’re extra stressed. I smoked almost every day. I wouldn’t be surprised if my lungs were dying.
I’m sorry for never leaving any of you alone. I get it, I was annoying fucking Haechan. If I’m being honest, I never really understood why the brat jokes were funny. Like, “Haechan, our annoying brat” or “Annoyying Haechan” or “Haechan’s being a stupid brat again”. I tried to remember when I found that funny, but I couldn’t. Maybe it was a one-sided joke all along. I really didn’t want it to get so far. But, you know, depression can only be held in the chest for so long. It had to get out eventually, and then, it just took over my entire body. Before depression there was my lovely eating disorder (not lovely, I’m just fucked up. Sorry). I had energy to do nothing but sleep, starve, and brush my teeth. Sometimes I’d watch stupid movies and force myself to do stupid practice and force myself to do your fucking aegyo to watch you fucking idiots fucking smile because I still felt a sense of pride in my chest whenever you’d laugh at one of my stupid fucking jokes or crack a smile when I pinched my fucking cheek. It was amazing how you could find me so cute and so brilliant yet you hated me. Or, maybe you didn’t hate me completely. Maybe it was just one fucking day that you decided to treat me like shit because you ran out of patience with annoying fucking Haechan and that’s why I hate myself. I don’t know. I don’t even understand why I hate myself. The fat rolls are long gone, I can see my ribs, my cheeks are thin, my collarbones stick out. I love my body. But I don’t love myself anymore.
I guess my body really wasn’t everything. I destroyed the happiness I had to be thin. These people online were always talking about me, my fluffy fucking cheeks and the cute ‘one pack’ I had. Gosh, I don’t know how people that can usually discover a secret relationship between idols that barely glance at each other can’t put the pieces together. I don’t even know how any of YOU didn’t put the pieces together. It was ALL there. Didn’t you nurse Sicheng hyung back to health when he got an eating disorder from modelling, Taeyong hyung? Kun hyung? Didn’t you realize his eating disorder on your own? Is it so damn disbelieving that I hated myself because I was annoying shit all of the time? Sometimes I tried to tell you how I was feeling. It’s always “Another time, Haechan, I’m tired” or I’m busy or I’m not in the mood because annoying fucking Haechan’s problems aren’t important enough for you to prioritize.
I honestly want to know (Let me know if you fucking dickheads end up reading this even after I put a warning note and I stay alive) if you actually thought I was okay. Aren’t you idiots supposed to be the masters of fake smiles? Can’t you at least SEE through one? I’ve lost all faith in humanity because of this. If people that have known me since I was that annoying, fat fetus on SM Rookies can’t tell that I’m trying to kill myself slowly (but surely), how should my own mother? Or anyone?
But, hey, Haechan was fun while it lasted.I guess I’m just annoying Donghyuck now. I had told you that I preferred that name so you started calling me “annoying Hyuck” or “brat hyuckie” instead. Maybe all I’ll ever be is annoying. Or stupid. Or a brat. Or disrespectful. But I died (can’t help but think “hopefully”) looking the way I wanted to. My photos will be released, and I’ll look gorgeous. At least one thing will go my way. Well, it’s been a long long time that I’ve dealt with your asses.
Finally, goodbye. I love you (even though I’ve said a lot of shit about you) a lot. Have a good time.
say “goodbye, fullsun” :)
