ranting for the world to see

??

the older i get the more worthless and small i feel. i literally hate feeling like this all the time. i honestly don't know how to cope with feeling so small and useless in this world sometimes. ig that's why i choose bad coping mechanisms.

i do get told that i'm loved but yet i still feel so so so alone. and if i told them i don't wanna do this anymore it would break them and so would me literally self offing. so i haven't yet, but being this insignificant is testing my limits of why i haven't done it yet.

i wish there was someone to tell this to. anyone. but they wouldn't know how to respond or id probably waste ppls money on sending me to a mental hospital. because i haven't exactly made a plan to do anything. i think that's pathetic in itself. me constantly thinking about doing it but not actually, because, what if i fail and just give ppl more problems like high medical bills, or what if i succeed and give ppl the problem like grieving me. i know id make ppl sad but what am i suppose to do with all this energy inside of me telling me how i mean nothing and nothing i do will be significant enough to be known for.

all this wraps my brain yet i've never cried over this. i haven't cried in months. i want to. maybe that'll help me get this out. but i cant. i can't cry.

i beg inside of me for ppl to ask if i'm okay. i mean even if they do ask ill say i'm fine. but what if i actually say i'm not fine. what if i just randomly decide to tell the counselor i can't stop thinking about offing. i do have a therapist, but i need a new one. the one i have right now just doesn't listen.

if anyone is reading this ik it's a lot to put out to total strangers. and you don't have to respond or validate my feelings. i wouldn't either bc it's a lot to tell to someone, anyone.