In Dangerous Waters

8.It Won't Go Down

Malik

The weekend goes by in a flash. Monday is here and I get to school nervous but excited. I barely slept a wink thinking about everything mom and I spoke about. It was nice having time to talk to her about these kinds of things. I know not many are blessed to have supportive parents when it comes to coming out gay or any part of the LGBTQ+ community. She helped me understand a lot about myself.

I regret not having had spoken to her sooner. She really helped me clear up a lot things I had going on in my mind. Not just my sexuality but everything. My school life, my future plans, and the dark thoughts I have sometimes. She gave me a hand to hold that I didn't know I needed. I was so used to having to fend for myself that I failed to realize that Lisa isn't like my previous families.

All night I stayed up thinking about what I was going to say to Jax or how I was going to bring up what he said at the pier. I want to assure him that his secret is safe and that I like him back. I want to share my story so he doesn't feel so sad about his own. I want to hold him like he held me and let him cry.

I rush over to the locker and grab my books. The hall floods with students and I scan each one hoping Jax pops out.

"Hey Malik" Desmond appears next to me and nudges me with his elbow when I fail to look his way.

"Hey Des" I continue looking around. My eyes darting from person to person. Why don't I see him?

"Who are you looking for?"

"Jax" I answer almost too quickly. I curse myself for sounding desperate.

"What, why?" Desmond snaps his fingers by my ear to get my attention.

"UGH, I need to talk to him that's all." I eye him for a sec and then go back to scanning.

"You need to stop talking with him period. He is a bad influence and a bully. You don't need that negativity in your life." Desmond nudges me again so I can look at him.

"I know what I'm doing Des, it's fine." I can't tell him that I like Jax. He will lose it.

"Like hell you do, stop talking to that jerk. Got it!" The first bell rings and Desmond stomps away disappearing into the crowd. I know he means well and I'm grateful for him.

I give up trying to find Jax and head to history class. I was certain I would bump into him or that he will come looking for me like he usually does. Maybe during lunch. The class ends and I go to exchange my books for second period. I look around and spot Desmond again. I roll my eyes as he charges towards me. This little runt is going to annoy me today.

"Why are you still looking for him?" Desmond snaps.

"Who are you, my mother?" I snap back and walk towards my next class. I know Desmond is trying to protect me but he also doesn't know the details of anything that's gone on.

I stand outside the door of my next class looking around the moving heads. They walk by laughing or rough housing without a care in the world. I stand like a giant and yet I am invisible. The crowd thins out and I deflate in defeat. My feet drag me inside and I take my usual seat in the back.

"Hey your Jax's friend, right?" I look around to see who he is talking to.

"I'm talking to you dweeb." He chuckles looking straight at me.

"...yes" I answer, still unsure if that's the case. I have no idea where Jax and I stand. We both have treated each other poorly and judged one another only to have had secret feelings.