Unlived Stories

Chapter 28

Night came in and with it, a butterflies-in-my-stomach feeling that I had no control over. Even back then, Adam had never caused me this feeling, or wobbly legs and sweaty hands. Quite the opposite, actually. When I was with him, I felt pretty steady and completely myself. I preferred to think that it was just the moment of reunion. We would finally be alone and ready to talk about seventeen years ago.

Unsure of what to wear, I opted for the same outfit I had worn on that occasion so long ago; not the same clothes per se, but the same model: jeans and a white coat. My mother had kept my bedroom – not intact, but still my bedroom. I put on a cheesy song and it felt like I was going back in time. I arrived in the courtyard around eight, looking for Adam with my eyes. It has been a long time since I wore glasses – I had surgery at the age of twenty-one to correct myopia. But this time, he really wasn't there. Already tired of searching, I stopped by the counter and asked if anyone had seen Adam.

"He came here earlier, but I think he left," replied his younger brother, Vaugh, who was in his late twenties, unfazed by his brother's sudden return.

I thanked him and decided to wait a while in front of the patio. There wasn't even a trace of him. I looked up at the starry sky, as if that would give me an answer. Maybe it was a coincidence, but I remembered a place where we used to go. And then I followed the deserted street lit only by moonlight until I reached the riverbank.

He was there. Sitting on the edge, beside a tree, watching the course of the river. I walked over to him silently and as I sat down beside him I said nothing - I didn't even turn my head. He was staring at the river, just as I was. In a very strange way, Adam didn't look at me – but he knew it was me. He remained silent, waiting for me to disappear suddenly like a dream.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

His tone was sad.

"I came to see you."

"You want to talk?" he finally looked at me.

Our eyes met in the silent moonlight. The streets had that same serene cold smell, regardless of the season.

"I want to apologize."

"What?" he almost sketched a smile. "You have nothing to apologize for, actually, you're the one who has to forgive me."

He looked out over the river and back to me.
"I never doubted what you feel for me. Nor will I ever doubt."

I paused and stared at the running waters.

"I want you to promise that you'll be very happy, in the way you always deserved. Sam is the right guy for you. He takes care of you, like I never did."

I nodded, moving closer to him.

"He does what I should have always done, what I always wanted to do. I've always been such a coward, Lynne. I didn't know if it would be worth changing everything because I was afraid. Afraid of losing Fay, afraid of losing you. Afraid of my family's judgments."

"We were children."

"I know. But now, looking from here, I can see how stupid I was", he paused. "I left because I couldn't stand the mess I made. I thought far away would be easier, but after a while, it became impossible to be without you. I needed to see you. That you still ignored me, but even for a few seconds, I needed to look at you."

"Guess you waited too long."

"I didn't. I came back, two years later, you were in your first year in college. I found out that you and Sam were a couple and that you were planning to get married soon."

"What?! Why didn't you come to me?" I was surprised.

"Would it have made a difference?"

"Of course! I mean, I don't know. But it would definitely make more of a difference than today."

"I was devastated. I went back to Bates and found that Fay was gone. She found out I had come to see you."

"What a mess... I could never imagine that."

"I didn't visit anyone. I knew my mom was crazy after me, but I just couldn't think about anything but the big mistake I'd made. And I'm sorry, Lynne, for showing up after such a long time."

I hugged him.

"I'm sorry, I never wanted to see you crying."

"You never saw it", I muttered. "I always hide."

We laughed weakly and broke apart.

"I'm leaving. I'm going to start over somewhere else."

I felt a weight in my heart.

"But didn't you come to stay?"

"No, Lynne. It was a lie. I came to see you."

"Sorry."

"Thank you. For the memories. If there's something bigger than us, I'm going to ask now that we meet again."

"In another life."

We laughed.

"Then it's fine. It's a deal."

He hugged me and we stayed like that for a period of time.

"I love you so much... you'll never know how much."

"I do know", he said. "I love you the same way."

My eyes filled with tears.

"Goodbye, Adam", I stood up.

"Goodbye, Lynne."