Purple You | jjk

Euphoria. I always wondered what that word meant. Google describes it as "A feeling of intense excitement or happiness." Which then makes me wonder what does happiness mean? Euphoria. Something you feel after sex? Something you feel after eating good food? Or something you feel when you hear someone is proud of you for the first time? The lines become pretty blurred for me when it comes to that word. I get stuck in a loop. Constantly wondering when will I ever get to experience 'Euphoria' or 'Happiness'. I'm not purposely trying to come off as sad. Nor do I wish to be given any sort of pity. As a human in a vast universe, it's my job to wonder. Not that I've never been happy before, but I wonder what it must be like to feel euphoric. I almost got to feel euphoric once.

The chilly winter air making my hair fall in waves brings me back down to earth. The noise of people bustling here and there finally brings me a feel of reality. Which is as cold as the chilly air outside. I can't wait to get home. The outside world is not meant for people like me. I've always been told to get out of my daydreams, but they don't understand. Daydreams are what keep me sane. Daydreams are what keep me alive. They don't understand. They never would. But he does. He always does. I wonder when would I get to go home now. This work is killing me.

The sound of an announcement bell chimes from the speakers but I pay no attention to it. I keep thinking of a certain bunny smile which is helping me get through this daunting task after task. Suddenly my colleague, Bianca appears. Bianca has never been much of a talker. She just comes to escort me to the bus, rides along with me, and goes her way. Maybe she doesn't like to travel alone. I never questioned. It's always nice to have a little company. She wraps her arm around my shoulder and one hand hold my other arm which has always seemed weird because she never seemed like the affectionate type. But I don't question it either. All the other people around me always gave me weird looks. As if I was the weird one. I just smiled and waved at them. There's no harm in being a daydreamer. Why do they have to make me feel alienated? But I don't mind it either.

We walked past corridors after corridors with grey walls and drawings on them. As if that would make the place seem livelier. It almost seemed embarrassing. Bianca helps me put on my coat, and we walk outside together. The chilly air turned freezing in a matter of minutes, but it felt refreshing to me. Everything felt refreshing to me after getting out of that shitty building where I work. I don't know why I still work there even though I hate it. Maybe it's good money. I can't seem to remember. The line to get on the bus is long, but Bianca always seems to push past people to help me get one of the window seats on the back. She cares a lot about me I guess. People always seem to give us a good window seat too. It's nice to see people being considerate. I pull the collars of my overcoat closer to my cheeks. It smells like him. That brings a smile on my face. I ask Bianca to let me hear some music as my own phone broke a while ago which I never got to fix. I wonder why. She lets me borrow her earphones as well. Sweet Bianca. Always looking out for me.

I put on the earphones and play my one and only favorite song. His honey like voice fills my ears making me almost taste the sweetness of his voice. Even the word 'Euphoria' sounds euphoric in his voice. Maybe I do know what Euphoria is. I close my eyes and smile, as I hear Jungkook's voice taking me far away. Maybe I should've gotten his favorite milk. I can't seem to remember which one he liked. I keep forgetting a lot of things these days. Oh well, doesn't matter. As long as I'm with him, nothing really seems to matter. I can't wait to see him soon.

I get off of the bus along with Bianca. I bid her goodbye and step through the doors of the building of my apartment complex. I see Bianca still following me. I walk through different corridors, with her still following behind. Oh right! Bianca lives in the same apartment complex as me. I always seem to keep forgetting. I finally get to my apartment.

"Goodbye, Casey. Get some rest. You did good today." She turns on her heels and walk away. Casey? She called me Casey. Which is weird because my name is not Casey. My name's Lee Ji-Eun. Can't she see that I am Korean? Not a white person. People and their ignorance these days is astounding. I thought Bianca was sweet. I guess she's not. Oh well, who cares. I want to sleep now. But I can't sleep like this. I need to see him. I call out his name. And like magic he appears. And just like that, I forget everything else too. I forget Bianca's weirdness. I forget how cold it was outside. I forget how tired I was.

Sometimes even the most mundane things take the life out of me. But it all seems better when I come home. I lay down beside you, and you clasp my hand and ask me how my day was in that honey voice of yours. I'd bury my face in your neck and bask in your sandalwood scent. But the moment would be ruined when the doorbell would ring and I'd suddenly regret ordering food. But then you'd be there at my bedside table, smiling with your bunny teeth. Your doe eyes, full of life as they always were. And everything would seem perfect. Like it never changed.

I bring the tray of my food distributed in small portions for me as I'm a light eater. I watch his doe eyes following my every move. I watch him eat along with me. Whoever said watching Jungkook eat makes you feel full was absolutely right. But I can't seem to remember who said that. A housemaid that I definitely don't remember hiring, comes in my room to take away the tray of food. She tells me to get some sleep and leaves the room. I pick up the army bomb, my most cherished relic as Jungkook was the one who bought me this. I switch it on and a purple light lights up my room. I giggle like a fangirl which is crazy cause Jungkook was my biggest fanboy. I was his forever ideal IU and he was my doe eyed bunny. Watching me giggle brought a smile on his face. He bid me goodnight and starts to walk away. But I don't want him to go. I call out his name. I scream until my lungs feel like bleeding. No no no! This cannot be happening again!

Desperation claws at my throat. I can't watch him walk away. I can't let him go. I can't! I just can't! I feel housemaids tugging at my clothes. But I don't stop screaming and trying to run after him. They can't take him away from me again! I won't let them. I feel a tinge on my neck. My vision starts to blacken. But I don't stop calling out for him. I will never stop calling out for him. Jungook! My Jungkook.

"Was it Casey having one of her episodes again last night?" A very tired looking nurse working on the nightshift asks an equally tired Bianca.

"Yeah. I can't help but feel bad for that poor girl. Out of all of the patients here, she's the one my heart breaks for the most." Bianca rubs her eyes, sipping on coffee to keep herself awake.

"She's the only one showing no signs of progress. It really does make me feel bad." They both sigh sadly.

The psychologist escorts Casey out of her office. Bianca upon seeing her, goes to take Casey off of her hands and escorts her back to her room. She comes out and approaches the psychologist.

"Has she made any progress yet?" Bianca asks. A grim expression settles on the psychologist's face.

"I'm afraid not. She doesn't even know who she is anymore. She keeps saying her name is IU and that she wants Jungkook to come back," The psychologist sighs.

"The death of Jeon Jungkook broke a lot of hearts, but to this extent, it's just unbelievable." Bianca says, looking around all of the patients suffering from different types of mental disorders but for the same reason. Jeon Jungkook.

"I know. My daughter was heartbroken too. But I never knew a fan of an artist could end up completely disassociating herself after this tragic news." The nurse said, shaking her head.

"It does make me wonder what was it about this one boy that drove so many people crazy." Bianca wonders out loud. The question makes the psychologist and the nurse wonder as well.

But they could never even begin to wonder what that one boy meant to millions of people. What he meant to six other boys. And that he'd forever reside in their hearts, known as the guy with doe eyes and a bunny smile.