it's harder to see you're not mine [malvie]

PART 1: lonely;

Mal has never felt her home so empty. She would wake up in the morning with a dreadful feeling in her stomach. Then she would feed her cat, get dressed and leave for work. During the day she would lose herself in her work and forget about everything else. But then she would get home; she will open the door and would be met with total darkness.

It felt weird to her; it felt empty but also kind of peaceful. Mal would walk in feeling exhausted from the day. She would feed her cat and go to bed. Her appetite wasn't the best.

She would stay awake most of the time; almost all night. She would stare at the ceiling and just think. Sometimes her furry friend would come and cuddle her or seek her attention.

That's how her days went for the last few weeks.

It was Friday night and Mal was thrilled to get the so much-needed rest of the weekend. She changed from her work clothes and went straight for the refrigerator grabbing a beer. She walked out on the balcony and leaned on the railing lighting up a cigarette. She didn't usually smoke, but when she did that meant things are serious.

Mal was swimming so deep in her mind that she didn't notice the other individual's shadow that appeared on the shared balcony.

"Hey there neighbor," said a female voice that startled Mal and she almost dropped her beer bottle from the balcony.

"Jesus, you scared me!" exclaimed Mal, turning to the other woman.

A loud laugh followed and the woman walked closer.

"I'm sorry, didn't mean for that to happen,"

Mal's tensed body relaxed upon seeing her neighbor's face.

"It's okay. Hey, you are back! How was the work thingy in Europe?" Mal asked taking a sip of her beer.

Truth be told she forgot that someone even lived next door since Evie was hardly home the past few months. She guessed that being a fashion designer wasn't good for settling in.

"It went differently than I expected," answered Evie flashing her a smile. "Is Harry home? I would love for you guys to come for dinner and catch up?"

Mal's whole mood shifted again and she went silent for a minute. She leaned on the railing again with a sigh escaping her lips.

"Actually, we separated a few weeks ago," explained the blond girl.

"Oh, I am sorry to hear that,"

"It's okay, I think it was for the best,"

"I can't imagine what you must be going through. There was such a dynamic between you two."

"Thanks, it's just so funny how pathetic you can feel. One moment you think you will be with that person forever, that you would love them forever and the next - they are not there anymore. And you are convincing yourself that you will love them forever and maybe if you carve those words into your heart they will magically come back just because you thought you can love them forever." said Mal with bitterness in her voice, she laughed at the cruelty of it all.

She could feel getting frustrated with herself. Still, she thought convincing herself, will bring him back.

"I'm sorry, you probably don't wanna listen to all that. You just came home, you should catch up with your friends. Maybe go out and enjoy yourself," Mal added after a few seconds.

Evie moved closer and leaned on the railing next to Mal.

"No need to appolagize. I am actually pretty tired from the way back home that I prefer to stay home. And don't worry, you can talk to me, Mal. I know we are not that close, but sometimes sharing what's on your mind with a stranger is better than bottling this all up in yourself." Evie said softly.

"Thank you, but still I don't want to bother you with my drama."

"As I said, it's okay. I would feel better if you do as well."

"I just," Mal signed in frustration and continued. "I don't understand how people fall out of love. One minute you are their world and the next - they say they don't feel the same anymore."

"I think people use the word love to describe their addiction to another person. Love is actually an attraction. Craving for another human. Simply love doesn't exist. We just lie to ourselves anyways. We don't fall out of love, we just lost interest in that person and decide to move on to another one. That unending process of moving forward. You want someone, you do everything in your power to get them. If you get them.. well good, but you are going to move to another one soon enough.

I think some people lie to themselves. They think they have found their soulmate, their significant other, the love of their lives. These people are just scared that no one else will want them so they settle for the safe option.

In the end, we all don't want to end up alone; die alone. It's engraved in our consciousness. We are created like that." Evie said realizing she was sharing a whole lection of nonsense. That did not stop her to continue as well.

"I don't believe in love. I know it sounds weird, but... Believe me, it is better to look at this like you need to satisfy your own mind for a while than thinking it is love. It will make it worse if you tell yourself that you love someone. Your brain just makes up all that crap shit about how love is the strongest thing in the world, that it can only happen once or that you would know right away; or how hard it will be to forget it. What is actually happening is that you have spent some time of your life with someone who has been giving you everything you crave, keeping you company for a while in your long journey ahead.

So yeah, love doesn't exist, Mal." ended up Evie.

"It sure feels like hell, though."

"No one said it was easy losing a person who had been growing with you for so long."

"So I get that you have never been in love then?" Mal chuckled.

"No," Evie laughed.

"Well, no offense, but come tell me all that again when you have, okay?"

"Hey, you know I'm right!" the taller girl smiled brightly.

Mal returned the smile and lit another cigarette.

"Did not know you smoke?" the dark-haired questioned.

"Yeah, I don't. This is my way of coping with the stress." explained the shorter woman.

"More like getting your health wrecked,"

Mal stopped for a second and looked at the stick in her hand for a while. "Eh, whatever,"

"Oh my god, I almost forgot why I am here," Evie exclaimed and disappeared into her apartment for a minute before coming out again. In her hands, she was holding Mal's cat.

"Oh my god, Ben?! How did you get in there buddy?" Mal said stretching her hands towards him.

The cat meowed at her and snuggled in Evie's embrace. The taller woman laughed loudly.

"I think he loves me more than you," remarked Evie.

"Traitor," claimed Mal looking at her cat.

"Meow!"

"Is your apartment okay?" asked the blond woman, taking the cat in her arms.

"Yes, everything is intact. I found him on my couch. I think he walked in when I opened the door to the balcony for fresh air." explained the dark-haired woman and moved closer to pet the furry animal.

Mal thanked Evie before scolding her cat.

"Honestly, I am the worst cat owner, I didn't even notice when he slipped out,"

"I am sure you are not. If you need some time alone, I can always look after him for a while," offered Evie petting him under his head. Ben started purring loudly.

"Thank you, but it is lonely enough already,"

Silence filled the air. It was already dark outside. They stayed there for a while watching the city lights and talking about nothing in particular. Evie told her about Paris and Italy and the fashion there, which Mal didn't really catch on but she couldn't be more amazed by how passionate Evie was.

And for the first time in the past weeks, Mal didn't feel so lonely.