𝐮𝐧𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐭𝐞𝐝

𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐞𝐱𝐜𝐮𝐬𝐞𝐬

for too long
i looked for you
in every piece
of my life.
i looked for you
between bookshelves
in empty seats
in hallways
we both roamed
in poetry,
both mine and that
which is not,
in other people's faces.
i searched for you.
but you were always
just sitting locked away
in your dorm room,
crying or gaming
i am not even sure.
i mislabeled you
as my main character
when you
were always a side character.
i let you run
my story,
my life,
my sheer existence
all because
you were charming.
all because
you noticed me.
i let myself
get sidetracked
and absorbed in you
all because
you filled the gaps he'd made.
you were temporary,
only meant to stay
for a few moments
and yet i wanted a lifetime.
i wanted your ups and downs.
i wanted your mondays and fridays.
i wanted your empty promises
and your fufilled ones too.
i wanted your love, your hate,
your annoying sarcasm
and your bad jokes.
i wanted you when you were perfect
and when you were far from it.
i even stupidly wanted
your kids, to be ours.
i wanted your everything.
i waited for your everything.
but all i got was your nothing.
i would have given you my life
i would have given you my purity
i would have given you my soul.
but you would have given me
nothing but heartbreak.
i thought i loved you
but i was just looking
for excuses
to not love myself anymore.
i was looking for a break
from always saving myself.
i was looking for someone else
when i should have been
looking for myself.