Random crap from my random life

rant

okay so this might get a lil' dark you might want to skip if the following things trigger you: (mild) homophobia/transphobia, self harm, suicide 

it's funny because through the discord, the culinary arts class, the swings, everything, astrid retained some of her innocence. she didn't see the porn, didn't really joke about the swing, and didn't snort flour for funsies like the rest of us. she was like the mom of the friend group. if it were more than just us 2 now she'd still be, even more so now that we're in high school. well she acts like a mom to me. and a therapist. and a person to trespass with because fuck society. and a person to call at 2 in the morning because we were the only ones awake a ungodly hours. and a best friend. 

and it's funny that during my darkest hours i didn't let astrid anywhere near me. i just wanted to be left the fuck alone even though it wasn't healthy and it was just making me worse. she gave me my space though because she didn't know how depressed i was. she knew i was depressed, but she didn't know i was to the point that i was suicidal. she didn't know that i self harmed. she's my best friend and she just sat on the sidelines as i nearly killed myself, oblivious because i kept her at arms distance. 

so since i got back from treatment back in june i started opening up more to try and make up for me being a hermit for months on end then her just not being able to see me at all because she just got told out of the blue in the middle of march that her best friend tried to kill themself and they probably won't be home until november or december because they're just that fucked up. 

i know i said i got back in june that might be confusing. i was pulled. just to clear that up for you. 

i really wish my letters had gone through to astrid. they didn't get sent because they "weren't light hearted enough" and "this stuff should be discussed in family therapy only". MC SCUSE ME MC BITCH I DON'T CARE WHO THE FUCK YOU THINK YOU ARE BUT YOU ARE NOT GOING TO KEEP ME FROM TALKING TO MY BEST FRIEND. I CAN'T TALK TO HER IN FAMILY THERAPY BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE THE SAME BLOOD AND SHE DOESN'T LIVE UNDER THE SAME ROOF AS ME, SO I AM GOING TO PUT WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT IN THESE DAMN LETTERS. 

another thing that irritated me to no end was that they were teaching us to love and accept ourselves, right? well i guess except the lgbt part. they had zero tolerance for it (most staff did though, and they would have used our names and pronouns if they wouldn't get fired for it) it was mostly treatment team, leads, managers and directors and such that were jerks (i guess they're all a part of treatment team though so idk). one time nour painted a gay pride rock to put in her garden plot and the lead the afternoon was just like "umm, you're not allowed to have things like that in your garden plot" pointing at her pride rock. and if we said anything or questioned it that was defiance and it could go in your notes or worse you might end up on no voice or paper silence. 

they also absolutely refuse to use your name and pronouns if they're different than what's on your birth certificate. after my parents walked out the front door i got the balls to basically reintroduce myself with my correct name, AND FUCKING TANNER WAS JUST LIKE "oh we don't do nicknames here, it makes other people feel bad" 

OKAY FIRST OF ALL FUCK OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS, OH BOO HOO I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING NICKNAME NOW I WANT TO HURT MYSELF LIKE NO WE'RE NOT FUCKING KINDERGARTNERS. NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT WE HAVE NICKNAMES. SECOND OF ALL, IT'S NOT A FUCKING NICKNAME. IT'S MY ACTUAL NAME BUT HERE YOU ARE JUST INVALIDATING THAT LIKE THANKS MAN I LOVE MYSELF SO MUCH MORE NOW.  

AND I WASN'T THE FIRST TRANS PERSON TO WALK THROUGH THOSE DOORS. ELI WAS A FRIEND OF MINE THERE (well we started off as friends but you see the thing is-) THEY HAD TO CONSTANTLY "DEFY STAFF" FOR MONTHS ONLY TO BE ALLOWED TO BE CALLED E. IT WASN'T HELPING THEM AT ALL, BEFORE I GOT THERE THEY HAD TRIED TO KILL THEMSELF IN THERE 2 OR 3 TIMES. NOT TO MENTION THE ATTEMPTS BEFORE THEY GOT SENT TO TREATMENT LIKE WTF MAN. HERE YOU ARE BEING HOMOPHOBIC/TRANSPHOBIC EGGS TRYING TO TEACH US TO LOVE OURSELVES. IT'S NOT GONNA FUCKING WORK. 

seriously, the majority of us were lgbtq+, like my first 3 roommates. yes, there were 4 of us in a room. WE WERE ALL SO GAE- like from the back of the room to the front, jas is ace, i'm god knows what anymore, nour is bi and eli is pan and gender fluid. not to mention everyone else in the house! 

also, letters didn't get sent out unless you signed them with the name on your birth certificate. 

anything else would hold you back in your program. 

i'm so glad i got pulled 

anyways i'm going to leave this here before i fucking explode from rage. 

bye rats 

-Jinx XD