Me and my little problems

Im not a smoker but

i think my mind is gone. ive never been this bad before.

yes of course i tried a cigarette before when i was 12 or something but i never thought i would actually smoke after that. i met up with one of my friends (which i dont rly have) and she smoked like 6 cigarettes when we were out which was like 4 hours maybe and thats kinda alot for a 15 year old.

She just got out of the mental hospital and got "treatment" ig. but thats not rly important for what i wanted to say. We went to her home and she showed me her vape collection which was very big (maybe like idk 15 vapes) with so many different flavours. before we went out again she asked me if i wanted to take one with me to vape with and because i never vaped before i was yk embarrassed to ask how to use it.

i know how to smoke but i mean i never touched a vape before so i didnt know u had to do the same thing so yeah. she told me how to and then i tried alot of them and chose the coca cola one (because it is obviously the best flavour).

after that i kinda wanted to harm myself more. not in a cutting myself way but in a inhaling smoke way. i lid up a cig in my bathroom before showering and tried smoking it and i loved it honestly. i kinda like the thrill of doing it illegally.

im not a smoker but i love to smoke because i like the burn and for vaping i like the taste (which i crave more tbh)

im craving for cigarettes rn as im writing this i feel shitty because all i wanna do is end myself and i cant bring myself to so i cope with fucking smoking at 1 am in a bathtub instead of slicing my wrists open which i always day dream about.

this chapter seems to out of place but hey i need a place to vent and for people to possibly see it (maybe i can find some actual friends then)