harmony

Bluebird

I feel heat crawling up my cheeks, my entire face is on fire. My heart slams into my chest painfully fast, threatening to break out of my ribs. At this rate, it'll probably burst out of my torso, crash down and leave a gaping hole in the floor.

"He's-he's fine, I mean, I wouldn't really know." I stutter, deep breaths, I think. "I haven't really seen him recently-or at all, actually." I raise my gaze and meet Vanessa's intense green eyes. They're beautiful, forest green rimmed with brown and the occasional speck of yellow. No wonder you're so utterly infatuated with her. I can't breathe and I want to scream that you're dead, gone. You're not anything because you no longer exist. She can't have you, no one can have you because you just aren't.

But I grind my teeth and clench my fists, focus on the feeling of nails digging into the skin of my hand. She's smiling now, smile back. I force the corners of my lips up, nod as she thanks me.

Prick.

Leave her alone, what did she ever do to you?

Other than hurt you almost as much as he did?

It's not her fault.

But she's taking him.

He's not yours anymore.

Shut the fuck up.

I'd had the same argument with myself hundreds of times in the past two months since we'd broken up. One side of me would mentally attack Vanessa for being the girl you moved on to, then the other, logical side of me, would patronize myself for being so bitter.

Feeling tears prick my eyes and realizing that I'm still standing in the middle of the cafeteria, I lower my head and hurry to the bathroom. Sighing and gripping the edge of the cold white sink, I stare into muddy brown eyes. Pitiful. I wipe away a few tears, and snort at myself. It actually might've been believable if I had told her you died. I was crying now anyways, that's believable right? You're dead to me, at least I want you to be. So maybe there would've been some truth in that lie.

It's already been two months and I'm still stuck on you. You've obviously moved on, Vanessa's living proof of that, so why can't I?

I remember the day she asked me if it was okay to go out with you, I was pretty harsh. I told her that we weren't even friends, I didn't care about whatever the hell either of you did. She looked a bit hurt and I'll admit, I enjoyed it until I saw you two together later that week.

The walls begin closing in on me as my breathing becomes rapid. The dirty white tiles are suffocating and I grab my bag, rushing to the other side of school and the back gate. I throw my stuff over and then begin to climb. I don't relax until I've made it over the fence and am at least a block away from school. There's a convenience store down the street where everyone who's ditching hangs out, and I head in that direction.

Blinking rapidly will stop the tears. Stop the tears. Breathe.

I get to the parking lot and lean against an old silver volkswagon, pulling out my pack. Michael, the car's owner, is smirking at me. It's the third time this week I've skipped class to come smoke. I used to hate smoking when you and I were together, and he knows that. He walks over and lights the cigarette in my mouth, before leaning back next to me, hands in his pockets. We both got dumped sometime within the past couple months, so we have sort of a silent connection that neither of us acknowledges out loud. Although he smoked regularly before Zoe wrecked him, I started when you left.

Laughter fills my ears and I look across the street to see you and Vanessa, your arm draped around her shoulders. You look happy. Both of you. I turn around before you notice me, closing my eyes and taking another drag. My chest is tight and my head is reeling. I struggle to keep my balance until I feel Michael's arms wrap around me and collapse into his chest, caving in on myself for the thousandth time.