I had no recollection of the past few months, just a tumble of memories scattered together, creating a long stream of images. Most of it was black. Dead images with subtle lines, blurry along the edges giving them a dreamlike feel. Sometimes when I'd close my eyes long enough to drift off into sleep, I'd find you. Even when you no longer existed, you were still somehow here. A solid shadow in the subconscious of my mind.
I rose up from my spot in the corner, causing dust to fly in clusters, and calmly strolled into the balcony. I gripped the cold edge of the barrier, causing a wave of chill to pass though my hands. The sky above darkened into a wild grey, rising up like smoke. A storm was coming. Rain drops, like wisps of kisses, danced on my eyelids. As I stepped over the barrier into the open air on the other side.
I will not be afraid, I will not be afraid.
Fear was not acceptable in my current circumstances. The unfamiliar sting of panic was beginning to set into the marrow of my bones, travelling fast up my bloodstream; pump after pump. The sensible part of my conscious mind questioned my actions. Bare feet against the wood of the balcony, hands clutched the edge of the rail, with nothing but the rippling sea below. But my primitive instincts kicked in urging me on. Freedom. The sweet sound of the word rang in my ears. True freedom at last. I closed my eyes and felt a falling sensation just as I broke the surface of the water.
There was an immediate sensation. A shock, thousands of tiny needles prickling any skin it touched. It felt oddly satisfying, making me feel more alive than I ever felt above the surface. I lay there muscles relaxed, palms up, welcoming the inevitable to come.
Wave upon wave they came. The taunts, the memories, the mistakes, rolled up into one giant deafening roar engulfing me in its dark presence. The final months of darkness burst into clear detail. Cradling me in its grasp, like a mother would nurture her child. I was there for some time, an unborn foetus developing in the womb, absorbing all the negative energy it gave me, supplying me with an unhealthy amount. I lived off it, craved to consume more each day, marvel at the things it would whisper to me.
"Now is the time my child, to escape this, to be free. Escape life. Be with him"
So I am.
I am drifting, in and out of consciousness. I can make out the bright shine of the sun, refracting into millions of shards around me, encompassing me in its glow. In and out of your world and the next. Drifting with the tide, burrowing deeper and deeper into the black hole that is death. I can't even feel the pain anymore, the stings of a thousand needles. Gone. It feels serene, heavenly even, to die.
But there isn't much left of me to pass unto the next world, since a piece of me died every night with you. When the silver blade would kiss my skin, reminding me of the pain. Making me feel alive, while my heart ceased to beat. It left me a shell of the lover, friend, person I once was. It left me hollow, as delicate as porcelain, cracking at the tiniest flutter.
As I lay here, the remaining morsels of survival shifting away from my body, I think of you. The way your eyes shone with the thrill of a high. The way your fingers curled over the straw inhaling the white powder like a natural, the way your body lay lifeless after the one night you went too far. Still clutching the opiate. Every moment we shared.
Your addictions ruled your life the same way you orbited mine.
You are my addiction.
You disappeared from my life the same way I'll disappear today. Smoothly and on a really good high.
. . .
thought i'd share.
xoxo bb
-Ren
