Within An Impasse

Time to Say Goodbye

As I rose up, I saw Alana still at my side not saying anything and steadfastly crying in my lap. She shivered hugging my legs tightly.

"Don't leave me again."

"Alana"

"Please don't!"

She was still the Alana that I knew, older, a grown woman. 

"I... I don't want to go back."

"I don't either."

I could feel my own tears falling as I held her. My daughter. The one that I never got to see grow up as she looks almost exactly like me. How did I not realize it?

"I'm so sor-"

"NO!"

"Alana-"

"No. This is not your fault."

"I was supposed to be watching you."

"I got carried away. I wanted that puppy so badly.  Then it ran out into the street and I just ran to it."

Its strange to hear it in her older voice, I hear a faint trail of the 5 year old coming out in small spurts.

"What do we do now?"

"Just stay here with me. PLEASE!"

I just held her and rocked her slowly. 

"Baby none of this is real, you're not this old, and you're not really here. We can't keep pretending anymore. It's been 6 whole years."

"I don't wanna go back. I don't wanna have to leave. "

"I don't want you to leave either, but it's time baby. I've held on to this long enough."

"I love you."

"I love you too, and I always will."

With that she vanished from my arms. 

I look up to see Barbara standing at my door. 

"She's gone."

"Yes Sarah, she is gone."

"What do I do now?"

"Well I think now would be a good time to come with me."

"Okay."

We walked silently through the halls and I saw people that I didn't pay attention to before. Most sat in silence, some actively rocking back and forth, and some pacing while talking to themselves in soft mumbles. I had a feeling if I really imagined all of the sessions I had with Alana that I was probably one of the ones pacing and talking to themselves. 

Barbara and I went back to her office and she told me to sit down. She sat her seat behind the big oak desk that she had and pulled out what presumed to be my file again. She pulls out one slip of paper signs it, then slides it over to me.

"What's this?"

"Read it."

It read "Treatment Recovery and Release. This states that all requirements and fulfillment have been done by patients and by staff and therapists to take care of the patient with the upmost care and treatment. This documents hereby releases patient from all treatments and residency of Willowbrooke State Hospital" There was other filler words in between but that first paragraph jumped out at me.

"You're releasing me? But...I'm certified nuts."

"No, what you just had is what most therapist call a break through. Now this just signs and dates that we will be releasing you, but just to make sure you're on the up and up, you must be able to obtain a job and be able to find somewhere to stay. We have a special therapist that handles that side of recovery. Her name is Stephanie."

"Okay, but I...I don't feel healed or sane."

"What you just did was acceptance. You accepted that your illusions were not real, and you gave your daughter the proper goodbye. Healing is a long process, and grief last a life time. But it's with that acceptance that you can learn to move on."

"But I feel so horrible about Ryan...I ruined his life and mine."

"No you didn't, he's moved on and is married. That doesn't mean you should punish yourself for the rest of your life for it."

"I've been in here for 6 years... how could I possibly go back to regular life?"

"Do you know how many people we have helped that have been here for more than 10 years? And they were able to move on to happier lives, and so can you."

"So I'm being released from one program into a new one?"

"Yes, so with this program we work with you to get you a job within 3 months, we house you until are able to find a place to stay. Most go to group homes first until they can afford to live in apartments or move back with family. You will moving to a different room on the other side of the hospital to help prepare you to get back out into society."

"I don't know what to say...I can't believe this."

"All you have to do is sign at the bottom under my signature and well start the preparations to get you to your new room."

So I made sure I read over the page again just to make sure I was reading it correctly. Then I signed at the bottom of the page.