Coffee at Midnight (dreams of my love)

12/6/21

The frozen air burns my lungs as I inhale deeply. I'm so scared. 

I've been scared a lot, lately. 

I've imagined what will happen when I see him again for the first time. It's gone so many different ways. Will I lash out, in anger? Will I turn around and just go home? Will I beg to know why he wanted to leave?

The door to his garage opens, and my breath catches in my throat. He walks down the steps, coming to meet me. My feet are glued to the driveway; His gaze is fixed on the ground. 

He's avoiding meeting my eyes, and my heart speeds up. Look at me. I silently plead. It's just me. But I know better than to think that way.

I know better than to think we'll jump right back into the way things used to be. The thought angers me, briefly. But then he's right in front of me, and his striking blue eyes meet mine. I can't force myself to be stand-offish, like I originally planned to when I agreed to meet him. 

I stand up on my tip-toes and pull him into a tight hug. Tears pool in my eyes, dangerously close to falling. I don't want to cry. 

The smell of his shirt is all too familiar as he pulls me closer, already beginning to sob. "I'm sorry." He gasps out. "I'm sorry I tried it." 

My fingers get lost in his hair and my lips find a place on his shoulder. I don't forgive him, so I don't speak. 

He pulls away and wipes his eyes, then goes to wipe my own. I guess the tears fell after all. 

I desperately want things to be okay. I want things to go back to the way they were before he went to the hospital. Before my parents started hating him. Before he thought about giving up on everything. 

I know it's not that easy, though.

His hands travel down my back and then some, I'm sure out of habit. It takes everything in me to pull away from him. "You hurt me."

"I know." 

"You lied to me."

"I know." His lip trembles, and I get flashbacks to all the times he has cried to me in secret. 

I avert my gaze, trying hard to not give into him. To not let him sweep me off my feet like he's so good at. "I don't forgive you yet." Tears begin falling down his cheeks. I reach up to wipe them away. He can't expect me to forgive him. How could he? After everything he's put me through. 

I feel a lump in my throat and my own breath becomes shaky. "We have tonight." I say, and offer a smile. "We have tonight to pretend everything is fine." 

"I know what's coming." He frowns. 

"Pretend like it's not."