inside my brain

Dear Milo

TW: mild talks of alcohol abuse and mentions of suicide.

Stay safe and go away :)

***********

Dear Emalie,

You wanted me to open up?

Well here you go.

I hate hate hate how one person can fuck this many people up and still get to laugh and smile and be happy and not feel or understand the pain he's caused. But in fact get more support than the people he's destroyed.

I hate how he's ruined everything and that's never gonna be better and I have to watch my friends, who are incredible people who deserve the world, break down and cry because their so hurt and destroyed inside by the horrific things he's done as well as the guilt they feel for not realising it was happening to their friends too.

That they don't want to live anymore because of the pain they feel every day but yet he gets to wonder around living his life like nothing happened.

And I get it.

Because I feel the same.

I hate Myself for telling my mam. Now shes even more fucked up, all over again, when she was just starting to get better.
She won't stop drinking again and it hurts even more because i know she's in pain because of me. I know she's only doing it because she doenst know how else to cope, and usually I'd be mad, mad at her for not being a proper mam like I wish she was. But now, I can't be mad.

Because everytime I have to look after her, making sure she gets the right amount of painkillers for the hangover and she eats and drinks enough water and I help her downstairs so she can sit someone other than her dark room where she's trapped alone. She tells me she loves me.
And I can't deal with that. Because the only way I've been able to cope before is by hating her, and hating the people who hurt me.

But now I'm just a sad, scared child, because i realsie now there's so much bad in this world I can't protect the people I love from all of it like I thought I could. Im not invincible anymore because I have everything to lose suddenly.

Its not like It matters what lose. I'm a selfish cow anyway. But I can't put the people I love through anymore shit. But sometime, alot of the time recently, I find myself not caring.

I really really don't wanna be here anymore, but I can't leave because all that would do is make me feel better. And hurt everyone else even more. It's so selfish of me to say that and I'm sorry you have to be stuck with me like this but I wish people hated me and I wish I hated them.

So that it would be easier to cope. I can deal with hate because that's what I've always known. But I can't deal with love .

Loving someone is vunerable and being vunerable is for the weak. Its ok for other people to be vunerable and I admire them for it. But not me. Which I think you understand because we were both raised in an environment where emotions and vulnerability were for the weak and you were punished for it.

I'm just so so tired Emalie. And I really don't want to be here, and I know I'm shit for saying that because I'm so lucky. I have amazing friends, an amazing brother,and an incredible girlfriend and a mam who's trying so hard to be better.

That's the thing, I have all these amazing people around me who love me and who I love too but that's the problem. Because being numb sucks, it consumes you and leaves you paralysed, trapped in your own head. But feeling love, caring, feeling, is new to me and its way worse. I'm selfish I know, people would kill to be in my position.

Some people's goal in life is to be loved and to be in love, and for a long time I thought that was my goal too.
I don't know, maybe it's just a "the grass is greener on the other side thing" and I just miss being in control. Because love is definitely not a choice. But maybe what I'm striving for is control and if so that's even worse than wishing everyone hated me. A part of me does want to be loved. To be held and told its gonna be OK, and maybe I'm looking for that validation from you. But you don't owe me that. You don't owe me anything.

All I want is for the pain to stop.

I love you and I won't kill myself. This is just a midday rant. And I don't want you to reply to it. You don't even have to read it. Maybe I'll never even send it to you. I just need to vent to someone who's a real perosn because I now realise how weak I am. I'm not invincible anymore emalie and that scares me shitless.

Love, Katie xx